And My Week Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., Cheaters, Bigger Is Better, Speed Demon, and "Remember Now"...

OMG Remix Usher Feat. Will.I.Am by MrRapperGuy

(Diddy voice) Let's go people! Let's go! (singing) Baby, lemme love you doooowwwnnn. There's so many ways to love ya...

Talk about OMG, I can't get that fuckin' song outta my head. At this point my only options are a lobotomy, or either shock therapy to rid my life of this song. I have literally played that song well over a hundred times. I'm sure my ipod is pissed at me, but who cares?

Happy Monday fuckers, hope you guys had a great weekend, cause I did. It was quiet, but cool. You know I like to have my fun during the week before all of the "bridge and tunnel" fuckers come into the city on the weekends.

So let's get right to it, I'm not fuckin' with yall all morning. I have online shopping and man-scaping to do.

On Wednesday night my sweet friend Meridith and I attended an art event at the Corcoran. The affair was held by DC Scores, and sponsored by DC mag. Meridith's husband Drew is an amazing artist, who donated a painting to the event. It was sold during a silent auction at the event for big bucks! Check out some of Drew's work here... He's about to blow up!

There's Mer and I taking a gay bathroom mirror shot before we left for the event. She had never taken a gay mirror shot before. I explained to her that if she was going to be one of my fag hags that she must start to fill her iPhone photo album with them IMMEDIATELY if not sooner. We'll check in with her to see how that's going.

After the event, we jetted over to Buddha Bar for some bits and libations. We met up with Joey, Dwayne, and Justin. After a while Meridith turned into a pumpkin, and had to return to "Mommyland". Us gays were just lacing up our party shoes, so it was off to Steve's Bar Room for us!

There's Steve pouring us shots. He always knows how to start a party!

See Meridith, this is how you take gay mirror pics...

After Steve's it was off to Suite for a birthday party. After Suite it was The Spot where my man Sebastian of Shy Magazine hosts the party. After The Spot it was time to devour a burger. After the "burger devouring", it was waaaaaay past my bedtime. I totally forget that I have to work like normal people when I'm out during the week throwing back shots of Patron like apple juice.

Needless to say, on Friday I was off to a slow start. I couldn't get my ass in gear (no homo). After showering, shitting, and shaving I felt much better. It was time to tackle my day.

On Friday I was off. I had a photo shoot with my peeps to promo some upcoming events. We shot outside all day. Needless to say, it was as hot as a fat girl's crotch outside! I was totally and completely drained when I got home. It's amazing what a shower can do though, because after that, I got my second wind.

My boo and I met up with Norman, Dwayne, and Justin for some sushi at Kushi.

If you haven't been yet, you must go. The sushi is to die for. They didn't have the salmon for my ace Dwayne, but he managed to live.

"So what you're telling me is, you DON'T have the salmon?"

There's Norman throwing up "chopstick deuces".

After dinner we headed home. While on our way, we watched a tranny prostitute pull up her (his) dress to show a group of men her (his) crotch. She (he) yelled, "Do you see a motherfuckin' dick you bitch?". Such a fuckin' lady!

Speakin of being a fuckin' lady...

"You catch my girl's legs open, betta smash that! Don't be surprised if she ask where da cash at!"

Here's Nikki on Saturday night at SEI. We went for sushi and our signature Asian Pear Sangrias. She was getting her B-girl swag on.

Here we are outside. We were two "Housecunts" down, but we'll reunite this week for the 'Sex and the City' premiere. I can't wait! I'm so anxious I could just pee on myself (no R. Kelly).

I'll see you at the movies with my bottle of Vueve in hand bitches!

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CHEATERS

You guys already knew you were gonna get a 'Cheaters' clip today. You already know the equation here country ass cheating husband+fat ass big tittied angry wife+busted ass mistress with a bad weave (or wig)=pure entertainment.

In this clip the guy cheats on his girl with her own cousin. Now that's some foul shit. His girl is a self-proclaimed "christian" who at one point during the clip shouts, "Ya'll motherfuckers need to be baptized!" Now call me crazy, but I don't recall ever reading that in the Bible. Maybe it's in the Naomi Campbell edition? Yeah, that's that new shit. Enjoy...

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BIGGER IS BETTER...

So last week D.C. approved a budget to fund a program for high schoolers and college students to get "bigger" condoms. According to surveys and questionnaires, DC school aged males say that don't use them because they're "too small". Obviously they're toting more than a heavy backpack to school.

Now I've seen my share of dicks in my lifetime ( I said "SEEN"), and from my personal observation, D.C. does rank high among those who hang low! I think it's all of the pollutants in the Anacostia river that makes dicks grow to freakish proportions. They should rename D.C. the "Dick-trict of Columbia". I think it has a ring to it. It wouldn't bother me?

Let's just see what the rate of pregnancy and HIV does after they hand out the "big condoms". It'd be interesting to see.

Oh, and sorry about all of the "big dick" talk this early on a Monday morning. Please forgive me, I have absolutely no amour-propre!

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SPEED DEMON

This looks like a nice old lady right? Doesn't she look like she bakes the best bundt cakes ever? Well chile, this old 72 year old fossil wasn't baking last week, she was being arrested for reckless driving. She was driving 102 mph, which is well over the 45 mph limit. When the cops stopped her, she said that she was late for her hair appointment.

Now if I were the cop, I would have let her go. Actually, I would have called for back-up, and had her escorted to the hair salon. That is so fucking over! This old bitty is the ruler of the earth! She couldn't see missing her hair appointment. Don't you girls know how long you sit in the salon? She had to get her weave rotated, and make it back home to cook dinner.

Anyways, they let the petrified piece of rock go after keeping her in jail for 12 hours. Her doctors are saying that her actions were possibly a result of a kidney infection that the woman had. Chile please, granny was just trying to get that coif done. Nice try though...

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'Remember Now' and Chanel Cruise 2011

Chanel Cruise '11

Chanel Cruise '11

Chanel Cruise '11

I fucking love Cruise collections! It just screams luxe. The collection serves no other purpose than outfitting cunts who sail the high seas in yachts bigger than most of our homes. Lots of gingham, seersucker, oversized totes, chiffon, and easy separates will ready you for that spontaneous trip to St. Bart's!

This year that old queen Karl Lagerfeld showed Cruse 2011 in St. Tropez. The showing was kicked off with a 17 minute movie (below) which was written and directed by Karl himself. The movie features his fuck boy Baptiste Giabiconi, and is a visually impeccable.

The short film makes me wanna ride mopeds in St, Tropez, dance until dawn in a shady discothèque, smoke 7 packs of cigarettes a day, make out with dirty french boys, and snort cocaine like an anteater. Get into the end of the film when Karl Lagerfeld slays us in all white! Enjoy...

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., Trade?, and "Bus" It Wide Open!

Ok, so add Comcast Cable company to the list of people that are trying to kill me! If it's not enough that I pay cable fees every month that could feed a village of children in a third world country for a year, now my internet isn't working. Don't they know I have to blog? I didn't have the patience to deal with them today. Actually, I didn't have the time. If you call them, just plan on canceling out your WHOLE entire day, and I wasn't about to give them that power. In order to preserve my sexy, and maintain my blood pressure, I sashayed my narrow ass down to Starbucks. I forget that it was a "government holiday", so this fucker is packed! All I ever wanna do is blog in peace, is that too much to ask? (Kanye shrug)

On Friday after work, I came home and caught a quick nappy nap. I had a million places to go and people to meet up with, but wasn't sure what to do. My nap gave me clarity, unfortunately my ass napped for way too long, and missed mostly all of my events.

When I rose from the dead (very Easter, if I may add), I answered the many text messages and phone calls that I had missed. I quickly hopped into the shower, and when I got out got dressed even quicker. I'm not even sure it what I had on matched. I really didn't care if it didn't.

I went to meet Dwayne at that really disgusting bar that I hate. You know the one that I told you guys has jizz on everything. It doesn't really, but it looks like it does. It's so gross, but they can make the fuck out of a drink--and boy is it cheap (just like many of the patrons).

Hi Dwayne!

While at the really bad bar, we received a call from our girlfriend Aureta. She came to meet us there. everyone was staring at her Chanel, so we had to go.

We went to meet my sweet lamb friend Ky'Leigh, and my boy Mike at Kushi. Click the link to check out the menu, and if you're in D.C., you must go. The pork belly is AMAZING!

After Kushi we wanted one more drink (It's always just one more), so we headed over to The Passenger.

Those are the boys chopping it up. The girls were at the other end of the table damn near in the rapid eye movement stage of sleep. It WAS damn near 3:30 in the morning for Christ sake. After The Passenger, it was a wrap for me.

Tenth floor please...

The next day at work, I felt like I was gang banged the night before. I was so tired. Luckily for me, the time went by fairly quickly. Well, time goes by quick I guess when you're almost 3 hours late to work? Whatever.

After work I had a total pregnant moment, I was craving Chick-fil-A...

I scarfed down a sandwich, waffle fries, and lemonade like I was a hostage and it was my first bite of food in weeks. I also bought two other sandwiches for later. Don't judge me! Besides, you can eat ALL the Chick-fil-A you want, because the owners are Christian--those sandwiches are blessed and endorsed by God! Thank you Jesus!

After Chick-fil-A, it was off to the Degrees Bar at the Ritz Carlton Georgetown for drink and more food. Yes, I had just eaten Chick-fil-A, what's it to you?

The Degrees Bar has a French 75 that'll make you pimp out your mother on a ho stroll. It's so good. After about 36 of them, we left, and then it was on to the next one...

What do you guys think we did?

Yep, we went to eat and have more drinks at Masa 14. By the time we arrived, their late night menu was in effect. There's only about 6 items on it, but out of the six they had chicken wings. We're Black, so that's what we ordered. At one point, there was 4 orders of wings on the table. I was tempted to ask the waiter for their finest watermelon, but decided against it. He wouldn't have caught the joke.

After partie de dîner trois, Norman, Dwayne, and I stopped through EFN for their monthly "Remix" party. We literally stayed for all of 30 minutes. It's not that the party was bad, what bothers me is that EVERYONE tries to look the same in D.C in the gay community. No one has their own identity. You would think that this would be where you would find people who aren't afraid to be creative and break the mold, but WRONG! Every queens walks around pretending to be a fake ass thug! As soon as they get home, they go play in their sister's closets and watch RuPaul's Drag Race. It's so gross how much of a facade especially African American gays put on. All you fake ass Gucci Mane's with the fitted hats, fake diamond chains, and your jeans hanging off your ass are so wack.com!

After the party, I headed home to rest. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow good. I woke up yesterday feeling rested. I decided to not go home to visit my parents, I needed a day to myself. In celebration of Jesus dying for our sins, I stayed home and "man-scaped". It takes hours to wax, shave, tweeze, exfoliate, and moisturize. The things us "boys" have to do. After my hair removal ceremony, I met "The Housecunts of DC" at home base--Lauriol Plaza.

The girls were running a tad late, so I had time for a photo shoot in the bathroom.

Hi Tamara! I can't wait for your commentary on "Housecunt Thursday" this week.

Ummm, and there goes Nikki! She's a mess. Team Nikki on deck son!

...and my friend Christon made a guest appearance. It was his birthday. This is him right before blowing out the candle in that nasty ass flan they bring out when it's somebody's birthday. Ewwww....

After our marathon dinner at Lauriol, we went over to the party at Eye Bar. It was pretty cool. The music was cute, and most of the people were ugly. Especially this Egor looking motherfucker who tried to come for me at the bar. Get a load of this: So I go to close my tab at the bar, and this nice man let's me move in so that I can sign my receipt. This fat sloppy tired weak ass queen taps me on my shoulder and says, "How are you gonna just move in like that, I've been standing here for 15 minutes?" First of all, who stands at a bar waiting to be served for 15 minutes. After a minute, I get antsy and leave. I told him that the nice man let me move in to pay my tab, and that it wasn't that big of a deal and that I'd buy his "sex on the beach", or "cock in the ass", whatever those gays are drinking these days. He told me that I was being "passive aggressive", and told me to go ahead and do what I came to the bar to do. I quickly took off my boarding school outfit, and got real hood with his ass. Don't get me twisted because I'm wearing Purple Label, I'll still whoop that ass! After more words were exchanged, I paid my tab and walked away. As I turned, he called me a "ho". I quickly retorted with a loud "BITCH", and a stare down. I had to leave, or else I would have sunk his ship!

After saying goodbyes, it was time to go. Norman took me home. We got in the car and traveled about 6 blocks before...

No it's not the tunnel into the afterlife, it's police lights. Some bull dyke lady cop stopped our ass. Norman didn't have his lights on, it was a rental. She asked if he'd been drinking, and he replied dryly, "I don't drink. I know I'm like the only one." Norman being sober paid off last night, and Officer Ellen DeGeneres let us off with a verbal warning. Before we drove off I wanted to yell, "Why are you so mad, you can get married in D.C. now!", but I feared being arrested.

Happy Monday.

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Okay, I have no clue who this McNabb person is or what him being traded to D.C. means, but everyone is talking about it, so I didn't wanna be left out. So there you go. Go google it for yourselves or something, I don't know...

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Shawn Todd, a D.C. Metro bus driver was arrested the other day for soliciting sex from an undercover officer that he thought was a prostitute. It hasn't been reported yet if there were riders on the bus. This is the second arrest of a D.C. bus driver this week. The first arrest being Dwayne Adamson. He allegedly flashed a knife at another driver in the middle of rush hour traffic. (record scratches)

I take public transportation, and I know how crazy these fuckers can be. If they're not talking to their "Baby Mama's" on their cell phone while driving, they're rolling up a joint, or in some cases smoking it! If I'm not mistaken, Metro Bus recruits from the D.C. prisons, so they really can't complain when something weird happens...lol. Wow!