Monday, November 16, 2009

And My Weekend Went A Lil Sumthin' Like This..., Oprah vs. Sarah, 'Take Me Down', and Gaga vs. B...

I swear you all are so fucking stupid! You all will never amount to ANYTHING! You are all big huge sacks of shit, and will never ever be anything in life! You will (shakes head)... Oh my God, I'm so sorry guys. I guess going to see 'Precious' has affected me in some way? Ever since Thursday night/Friday morning (12:o1 am show), I have been channeling Monique's character. It's fun, you guys should try it! Maybe while the cashier is checking out your groceries at the grocery store get really close into the cashier's face and say, "You worthless piece of shit, you will never be anything but a low class grocery cashier!", and see what happens. Either you'll get your ass kicked or the cashier will get life and invite you out later for a drink. I know I wouldn't be mad.

Anyways, the movie was amazing. If you're any type of an emotional person, you're gonna want to bring some tissues and maybe a Xanax to the theatre. It's a lot to deal with. I have a heart of steal, and I even felt for the main character Precious who was played by new actress Gabourey Sidibe. If anything, I would pay another $10 to see Monique's fat ass run that flight of stairs.
On Friday I was exhausted at work, and I didn't get off until 9. After work I went to meet my friends (aka 'The Real Housecunts of DC') for drinks and a bite to eat at Oceanaire.

It started out really cute and calm at the bar...

...and then a little more rowdy at the table, but still PG-13

...and then it got all sorts of crazy! Somehow myself and Jonathan ended up in the bathroom to participate in our infamous editorial bathroom photoshoot? This is a picture of us throwing up gang signs. The rest of the pictures are not to be published online, because I may want to run for public office one day (blank stare). Long story short, our little photoshoot was put to an end by a really grumpy old man that looked like Santa Claus' cousin. He pushes open the door to the bathroom and says in a stern voice, "Hey, this is not a club! You guys have to pay your bill! Anymore guys in here?" He only saw Jonathan, because Nikki and I were skinny enough to hide behind the door. I couldn't see going back there. We go there all the time! He owes us all separate apologies, gift cards for free meals, a weekend's stay in New York at the Waldorf Astoria, a pair each of those feather Louboutins that Kim from RHOA wore to her birthday party (Hi Kim), something special from Van Cleef, and perhaps something from one of my favorite Milanese goldsmiths Buccellati. I'm not kidding! If all of those demands aren't met, I couldn't see going there again!
After dinner, I wanted to go home. I had to work the next morning at 9, and it was already past midnite. Once again, somehow someway I was conjured into going here...

Yes, again, fuckin' around with that goddamn queen Jonathan. It's all his fault J! We had never taken the girls there so why not? There were a couple of new "dancers", and the girls got their life. At one point, we didn't know which way to go. It's like we were playing dick tennis. Our heads kept swaying from side to side in hopes that we didn't miss anything. After seeing more swinging nuts than I'd ever seen in my life we headed home.
My ass was dead tired at work the next day, but it seemed to go by quickly. I rushed home and snuggled into bed. After a disco nap, I decided that I need some alcohol. Normie and I met Joey at EFN lounge which is right round the corner from my house--how convenient! The club was crowded, but not overly packed. Upon arrival I ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a while. I honestly didn't recognize him, because his ass has gained some major weight SON! That motherfucker needs to call 'The Biggest Loser' and see if he can get on. He has never really had a wonderful figure like mine (gag), but he was never borderline obese? I immediately told Norman that if I ever got that big to lethally inject me. I just wanna be dead, I'm not kidding. I've had this waist line ever since my pre-teen years, and by dammit if I ever lose it! I work hard by eating ALL of the wrong foods and never exercising to maintain my 26 inch waist!
After I saw that atrocity, I needed to head to the restroom to freshen up (even though I had just walked in)...

I had a photo shoot of my own in the bathroom. I guess I was in there for a while, because people were pounding on the door. I couldn't see answering it, I was practicing smiling with my eyes, and I was getting into my hair--it looked good on Saturday.
After my bathroom time, I drank a lil bit, danced a lil bit, laughed at late queens a lotta bit, and enjoyed the company of my friends. I looked at the time on my phone and realized that the lights would come up in minutes. I literally ran for the door, I'm not kidding. I couldn't see being in a club when the lights come up, it makes you look so thirsty (thirsty=pressed=lame).
After my quick exit, I hit it home. I got to say good night to my sweet BF, and all was right with the world.
Yesterday work wasn't so dreadful. I mean don't get me wrong I still hate it, and one of you guys out there needs to offer me an amazing position or else I'm gonna start robbing people. I come from a privileged family, have had a Christian upbringing, and I've attended great schools, but I swear I'm about to get hood on all of yall's asses. I'm ready to make some A-Rab money bitches! Now who's in with me? (in Diddy voice) Let's go...


Oprah vs. Sarah

So, I hope you guys set the DVR to record Oprah today. The interview with Sarah "I have no fucking clue what I'm ever talking about" Palin is on today. I just want Oprah to slay her and call her all types of "dumb bitches". Maybe they will even resort to hair pulling and throw Louboutins at each other (Well, Oprah throw Louboutins at her, and Sarah throwing BCBG girls at her). I have no idea how I will put up with listening to a whole hour of Palin's voice, but I'll try. I'm sure this will probably be a better than the Pacquiao vs. Cotto fight. We all know that Oprah will keep it classy, but I just want her to roll her eyes at least one time and say, "Bitch Please!" I'd die!


Mr. Chris "I beat the shit out of Rihanna, and now I'm back with a new CD coming out called 'Graffiti'" Brown was on Wendy Williams last week. I'm so sorry, but he looked really good. No bull, I can see why Rihanna kept going back and boxing with Chris Brown. Just merely based on how he looked on Wendy Williams on Friday, I would go a couple of Ultimate Fighting Championship rounds with him.
I'm glad to see he's easing his way back into the media by doing the "chitterling circuit" talk shows like Wendy Williams and Monique before he tackles the big ones like Oprah (even though she won't have him on). He's gauging his audience to see where he fits. Just as long as he realizes what he did, and is remorseful, he's alright with me. We all make mistakes, his were just publicly blasted all over the media. Support my boy Chris, he is still an amazing entertainer...and Fiiiiinnnneee!


Here are a couple of still shots from those two fags Beyonce and Lady Gaga's new video 'Video Phone' remix. It looks like it'll be pretty hot. I'm sure they will turn it! I'm on pins and needles, but until then I have Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' video to tide me over. Did anyone see here walking for blood in those 10 inch McQueen booties? OMG, call the nurse in because I DIE!!!!!!!

Happy Monday Fuckers!


sapphire blu said...

jonathan is such a hot piece!!!! don't you cuss everyone out like monique's character??? LOL.

della! said...

Honey. Why do you call them the chitterling circuit! Now we already dont have enough black media as it is. Let's try to uplift those that even have a little something cause god knows most of the other shows rarely have any of US on them. I love Wendy's Show...I dont like moniques cause shes always yelling at me, but I wish them both a lot of success.

Elle est Funky Fresh said...

You ain't lying, Monique running up those stairs was a trip! The movie was definitely much better than I expected.
Thanks for posting that lovely pic of Chris Brown-Oben. So glad to see him finally venturing back into the public again. Me and Nik got tickets to see him at the Warner on Dec 4. Cannot wait!!

Q said...

Della, don't ever take what my crazy ass says to heart. I love Wendy too with her big tranny ass!

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