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Sunday, March 06, 2011

And My Weekend Went A Little Something Like This, Breezy Taught Me, Let's Go Skiing, and Reminiscing With Ms. Ross

Good Morning fuck nuts! I'm up and at 'em early, and I hope you guys are as well. It was a gross rainy weekend here in DC, but I tried to make the best of it. On Friday I went to TOP Chef LOVE. Three area chefs were at competing to become head chef at an area nightclub. There were food tastings, and wine pairings. I arrived kind of late so you know all of the Black people had already eaten most of the food. It's a "tasting" people. The intention is not for you to get "full". Ugh! I swear those Blacks will NEVER learn.
After the competition I headed over to MOCA, an art gallery in Georgetown. There was an erotic art exhibit. They had body painting, erotic tattooing and piercing as well. It was interesting. I've been to events like this before in New York, just never in DC. The bodies of the nude models in New York were a little tighter than this...

It was on some HBO 'Real Sex' ish. I'm sure if we stayed another hour, people would have been fucking. I would have stayed to watch and perhaps be a participant if the crowd were hotter. (shrugs)

Since they weren't it was time to hit up my Bourbon Steak for all my favorites. The burger, KFC (chicken wings done their way), duck fat fries, and a pear brandy sidecar.

I was in heaven after that, but still wasn't fulfilled. So off to Ruth's Chris it was for dessert. I saw my girls there, so we had a blast talking. My boy was spinning so we headed over to MUSE to support. There was drama at the door with some punk ass security guard, so I couldn't see going in. He had the nerve to tell me to "step the fuck back". Huh? I'm so confused why anyone who makes $10 an hour to stand outside in the cold to pat people down would ever think they could speak to me like that? After I gave him a big chunk of my mind, I was out like Ricky Martin. Who wants to go to MUSE anyway? Thanks for the favor rude ape looking doorman with bear belly.

After all that dram, it was time for bed. On Saturday I woke up for a morning meeting, and spent the rest of the day vegging. Yesterday I woke up for church. I had a great time there, and the message was right on time. After getting my praise on, I did grocery shopping and came home and cooked like the nice househusband I will be one day. Besides, I needed to eat and get my strength for all of the reality television i'd be watching. Last night topping my reality list was 'Celebrity Apprentice', 'Basketball Wives', and 'Real Housewives of OC'. I overdosed on reality television and Girl Scout cookies last night. At one point I think I even tried to eat the cardboard box. Screw those Girl Scouts whores for tempting me every year around this time! It's tragic. That's why my ass is headed to the gym in 5...4...3...2...




Ummm yeah, so you know my heart skipped a beat when I finally saw the "leaked" Chris Brown nude pictures. You have no idea what this man does to me, or more importantly what I'd like him to do to me. Now I know that he is well equipped to please. I'm not a size queen, but it's pretty big already and no where near erect. I knew Rihanna stuck around for a reason...

...and this is it.

The pics were of course conveniently "leaked" right around the time of his new project, but who cares. I'm all for shameless promotion, especially if it looks like that. Damn Chris, "Gimme Dat".



So like you guys were surprised when the pictures of Bobbi Kristina snorting coke surfaced? It's in her blood--no literally it's really in her blood! From all of the coke Bobby and Whitney did before, during, and after their pregnancy? I think Whitney was high in the 'I'm Every Woman' video, and she was 8 or 9 months preggers with Bobbi Kris then.

So, Bobbi Kris who just turned 18 pulled the Marion Barry. She said that some bitch set her up. It doesn't look like anyone was setting her up here they way she's snorting that booger sugar. Instead of chanting "chug, chug, chug, chug, chug", were they chanting "snort, snort, snort, snort, snort"? She looks so comfortable doing it. I guess you can't fuck with you genetic code?

How sweet. Like mother, like daughter. I wonder if Whitney bought her an engraved coke spoon for her 18th birthday. So sentimental...(grabs tissue to weep)

I swear she's high. Look at how she says "Chaka Khan" at the 4 minute 35 sec mark. I'm just saying, her eyes look a little "crackish".

Hopefully Bobbi Kris gets help, and soon so she can go on the last season of Oprah and talk about it. Help her Lord!



Speaking of God, I mean Oprah, I had forgotten how over Diana was until she was on her show last week. She was the gayest cunt ever! I guess you can't help to not feel yourself when you're in all of that drag (hair/makeup/costumes).

Check out this clip from a 1981 television program. Get into her luxe fur, and how she just throws it to the ground!

I wish I were around in the late 70's/early 80's. I would snorted mounds of coke and danced ALL night at the discos in high waisted crystal encrusted jeans. It looked like soooo much fun. Who has a time machine I can borrow?

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I Am Not My Hair, Drunkguilera?, Hitler for Christian Dior, and I'm So Confused...

Morning lovelies, It seems that we know know the day that God will descend down from heaven onto earth--May 25, 2011...

It's Oprah's last show. I can't wait to see what she's gonna give away, how many lambs she'll sacrifice live on air, and what Andre will do to her hair for the final wahoo! I've grown up with Oprah. She's been on air for 25, so by me being 21 (coughs), I've only missed 4 years of programming. I'll just Youtube it. Congrats to God, I mean Oprah on her future endeavors.

Justin Beiber cut his mop.

But in BIGGER news my husband Chris Brown dyed his hair blonde. I love it. It's conjuring a little Sisqo tea, but I still love it. He can do no wrong in my eyes. He even looked good in his community service uniform, only a fine man can do that. He's supposedly dating some whore, but if that bitch knows what's good for her, she'll stay away from my man. If you know that bitch, tell her I'm looking for


Ms. Christina "Come on over baby genie in a bottle" Aguilera was arrested the other day for being drunk in public. It was said that she was completely disoriented, and had no clue where she was or what was going on. So I get it now. This totally explain the Superbowl blunder. We learned that shit in kindergarten son. Who messes up The Star Spangled Banner? That's kind of like fucking up your ABC's, because you did learn all that shit around the same time.

Anyway, I not knocking her for her drunken nights out in LA, because I've had many myself. Next time Drunkguilera don't drink before you perform in front of millions of people. Probably not a swell idea eh?

Christina: (singing and rocking back and forth) Ooooooh say can you seeeeee by the Dawn dish detergent and the genie in the bottle of my Ja-ack Daniels. And the rockets red soles gave overproof liquor through the night...(falls over)



Hitler for Christian Dior

It seems that someone (looks above) is a little bit racist. They say your true self comes out when you drink, but damn. Fashion designer John Galliano has been fired as Chief Designer of Christain Dior because of alleged grunken racist comments. He was in a Paris cafe where he said hateful things like, "I love Hitler", and "If Hitler were alive you'd be burned". Ummm, of course he loves Hitler, look at that moustache!

With all of the power jews buying Dior, they pulled his ass immediately. Sometimes people get a little too big for their designer britches. I'm sure he's not the only racist designer in the fashion industry. Let's get Karl Lagerfeld drunk, and see what he says. I wouldn't even care though, he's to amazing to be offended.

Karl Lagerfeld: In zee Sprwing niggerz aw out! White iz zee new Black! Zee Black peepul aw no longer relevhant. Ship all of zee Blacks back to Avfrika. They may be bhack in for zee Fall, but I can not promize anyzing! (fans himself with fan, and walks out of room)

I'd go get my skin bleached for blood! No bull.


I'm So Confused...

I know I stay coming for Jennifer Hudson on my blog, but I though her dress that she wore to the Oscar's on Sunday was amazing. One small thing though. I understand that she lost weight and all, but could she do something with those saggy breast? They looked like two half emptied water balloons. I know there's a lot of access skin left from her recent shedding of the pounds, but damn. Maybe some cutlet inserts, or a quick express boob job? I blame her stylist. Stevie Wonder could have seen that it was wrong. All my attention went to her saggy baggies, and I forgot how pretty the dress was. She should have just worn a Jessica McClintock, because her breast fucked it up. Sorry Jen.

I'm so confused why Flo from 'The Bad Girls Club' has a show about her getting married. Do we care? I know I don't.

Who's the douche lord that married her anyway? Good luck because it looks like Flo's crotch smells like gasoline and corn chips. Ugh.

I'm so confused why Johnny Gill and Whitney Houston were singing like they were on 'BET Celebration of Gospel' at Bobby Brown's mothers funeral? Secondly, I'm mad at the person who tapped it and uploaded it to You Tube. Johnny hasn't had a hit since "My, My, My", but he tries to revive his career at a funeral? And we all know that Auntie Whitney's mind is deteriorated from all the weed laced with coke.

Any opportunity for me to play this clip...

Damn Whit!

Wow, I've done some nasty freaky filthy ass shit in the bedroom, but I ain't nevvvva started no fires. The news clip below explains how a New York woman paid a voodoo priest $300 to have sex with her to bring her good luck. I guess candles and shit were around the bed, and a fire started. Sadly enough, the fire took a woman's life and displaced many form their homes.

That's some good dick. If a shot of dick can give you good luck? AND she paid HIM? Wow. smh.

Oh, and vote for my blog on City Paper here...under "people and places" Do it!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

God vs. Iyanla: Part Deux, Queen of Soul, Prince of Pop, Jenny From The Block, and He Gotta Dunk!

I hoped you guys liked Auntie Whitney singing 'I Love The Lord' today. I needed some religion in my life. Every single time I try to do good, evil finds it's way in. I will not let the devil prevail, I'm a conqueror (shouts).

Speaking of religion, God, I mean Oprah is having part 2 of her conversation with Iyanla "ghetto hot ass mess I thought I had a deal with Barbara Walters, but se ruined my life and now I'm broke as shit" Vanzant. Part 1 was pretty steamy. Oprah read Iyanla, and told her many times that she wouldn't "accept" what Iyanla was saying, which in the streets means, "bitch please". I swear If I could be a fly on the wall when her and Gayle are having intimate pillow talk.

Oprah: Girl, why did I interview Iyanla today? First of all she had the nerve to come on my show with some crazy ass looking green run over boots. Then she tried to lie to me talking about, "I didn't think you wanted me, I thought you wanted the work!"

Gayle: Girl, no she didn't! And what was her hair lookin' like?

Oprah: Chile, her head looked crazy ass usual. If she would have stayed with me, she could have bought all the lace fronts that her heart desired.

Gayle: Girl, who you tellin? Don't act like I don't know. I told that bitch to stay.

Oprah: Dumb bitch. Makes for good tv on my last season though. Closure shit, I just want the final ratings.

Gayle: Hmmm, I know that's right. (silence) So ummm, what do you wanna do know?

Oprah: We 'bout to fuck. Now bring that ass over here! Tell Stedman to make me a peanut butter sandwich while he waits.

OMG. lol...I'm kidding, I'm kidding...

If Oprah's last Season couldn't get any gayer, Friday's show is Diana Ross! Miss "I'm coming out myself". Every time I here a song by Diana Ross, I just wanna have aggressive butt sex. She single handedly was responsible for leather men and butt-less chaps you know?

I'm guessing her and Oprah will dish dirt on her drinking problem, Berry Gordy, and how growing old is a mother fucker...


If she's coming out, I'm going back in. I'm kidding (a little). Diana is still beautiful at 66! She could use a little work though.


On Monday Wendy announced that she landed the first interview with Aretha Franklin since she'd been sick. What was Aretha thinking not giving her story to Oprah? Her last season? I love Wendy and all, but Oprah would have slayed her with beater accommodations and parting gifts. All she'll get from Wendy is a train ticket, and a night at the Motel 4, not even 6.

Did she NOT want that ponytail to match at all? Anyway, Aretha will be on Wendy next week to spill the tea. I'm hoping that she's feeling better. All hail the Drag Queen of Soul!



Chris "I'm fine as hell, but I'll whoop that ass" Brown was in court with his lawyer, and received an amendment to his restraining order against Rihanna. It seems that they can be in contact with each other now. Rihanna's camp had to ok the decision from the court. Ummmmm hmmmm, I'm sure we'll see them canoodling together soon. You can't run from good dick, it ALWAYS seems to find you. Ughhhhh!



Jennifer Aniston got a haircut! (cickets) Hey, maybe you didn't hear me? I said that Jennifer Aniston got a haircut! (crickets get louder)

Who gives a fuck about Jennifer's new cut? It's all over the news like she's Gadhafi or some shit? All it is is a remix of her old Rachel hairstyle from the 90's...

Tell me it's not! A little bleach and a flat iron, and there you have it! Can she go away already?


I don't know much about Blake Griffin. All I know is that he plays (french accent) How do you say? Zee Bahztkitbull? and this past weekend at the dunk contest he gave me a stiffy by dunking over a car. If you missed it, here it is...

I missed my calling as a locker room towel boy...

So dreamy. Fin!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm Sorry 2011, Tiffany Pollard aka New York: A Moment In Black History,

I'M SORRY 2011...

Ummm yeah, I'm sorry I've been busy. Between watching the OWN Network, shopping online, yoga class, sucking dick, and singing negro spirituals in honor of Black History Month, I've had no time to blog. I was also away for the weekend. Thanks to my boo for the getaway. (wink) Oh yeah, and weekend before last I was in New York celebrating my stepsister and fellow Housecunt Erika's birthday! Happy bday boo!

On top of EVERYTHING, been trying to get in shape for Summer. That's my new goal. Yesterday I took a noon strength training class at my gym. The instructor is an Army queen pre repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. The class was amazing. Just one small thing slipped my mind before class...I forgot to eat. After the hour long class I felt like I had a long night out with Lindsay Lohan. I was so light headed. The gym is only 4 blocks from my house, so I obviously walked there. I had to take a cab back home. Even in my near unconscious state I couldn't help but to think how amazing I was gonna look if I kept this whole not eating/strength training thing up. I don't even remember paying the cab driver. I stumbled upstairs, and layed on the bed. Next thing I know Oprah was almost on.

I felt much better after my nap. I went to the kitchen and made some mashed potatoes. My stomach couldn't take anything heavy after all of that trauma. So, the point of me telling you all this is that you guys HAVE TO STOP EATING FULL MEALS. I mean fainting is just a small price to pay for a flawless Summer body. Do you wanna be fat and conscious, or skinny and somewhere in a state between consciousness and not so much? I'm gonna go with the later. Summer is mere months away people. Don't say I didn't tell you...(wink)

Anywho, this past Monday was Valentine's Day. I hope all the ladies got fucked like DMX fucked Keisha in BELLY.

If you didn't, here is Chris Brown's performance of 'No Bullshit' from last Saturday's 'Saturday Night Live'. I'm warning you! Ladies (and power bottoms), grab an extra absorbent beach towel to ensure that you don't ruin your seat, cause it's sure to make you wet! It certainly gave me a stiffy.

Why didn't God make me that floor?

Wow, what was wrong with that Rihanna? I mean he didn't beat her that bad. Right? Nothing that a little makeup wouldn't cover! Ugh...


TIFFANY POLLARD: A Moment in Black History...

Tiffany "New York" Pollard was born in Utica, New York in 1982. She was catapulted into "fame" through her role on reality show 'Flavor of Love'.

"New York" is a shrewd loud African American woman who never ceases to promote negative stereotypes. She has opened doors for other loud stereotypical Black women on reality television like Nene Leakes, Tammy from 'Basketball Wives', and the girl who is trying to find Chilli a date on 'What Chilli Wants'.

What better time than now to honor Tiffany "New York" Pollard for all of the great works that she's done in our community.

Even though her "15 minutes" are up, she is still trying to hold on to a thread of the so called fame she had. If that's not determination, I don't know what is.

"New York" has also done her part to improve race relations in this country...

Her synthetic weaves and hair pieces have also blazed trails. Now even White women like Kim Zolciak can wear wigs without feeling less than a woman or insecure.

On this the 16th day of Black History Month, let us all reflect on the good works of Tiffany "New York" Pollard. This has been a moment in Black History brought to you by



Fuck a New York Fashion Week, I know what you ALL have been waiting for...Vivica Fox's Spring Summer wig line! Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy (jumps up and down clapping)! It's finally here. This old cougar has had more meat in her cooch than a deep freezer, but that has not stopped her from designing her summer line of wigs! Oh goody.

Tell me this doesn't look like the scene from 'Dreamgirls' when Beyonce told the other girls to turn their wigs around? What the fuck?

All she needs is some big sunglasses and a trench coat, and then she'll be ready for the bank robbery.

I think all of that young dick she's getting has finally gone to her head. Someone has to stop her.
This is giving Micheal Jackson Pepsi commercial.
This is giving me Peggy Bundy all day long. I swear if I catch any of you cunts in these wigs, I will pull it off. I'm not kidding. There are amazing wigs out there, and these are not them. What is wrong with Vivica?

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Upset, Confused, and Happy...


Hey guys, I've just been so upset for the last few days. As we all know Sunday was the final episode of Atlanta Housewives Season 3. It was the highest rated season in 'Housewives' history.

I'm sure the high ratings had a little something to do with NeNe and her fights with Dwight, Greg, Kim, Peter, and hell everyone! I think there was even a scene where she fought with Phaedra's baby? The show is definitely a train wreck, but what do I have to live for now?

Then if the season ending of ATL Housewives wasn't enough to send me into convulsions, this is coming out...

A Justin Beiber movie? Who the fuck wants to see a Justin Beiber movie? Oh my God, I can't take it, I swear I'm gonna scream. And then I'm believing it's in 3-D? I seriously am breaking out in hives right now just talking about it. Normally I'm all for teenage girl masturbation material movies, but this one is just vile.

Someone stop me if I'm going too far, but I give Justin Beiber about 5 years before he comes out and goes all "Raz-B" on That's his pimp! If ANY of you reading this goes to see this movie, there will be hell to pay from me. Hell I say!



I was flipping through the channels the other day and stopped on 'Celebrity Rehab' on Vh-1. Upon watching for a mere 2 minutes, I was so confused. First of all, Is she a celebrity?

Second of all, some people just shouldn't be saved. Frankie was born to be one of those raging alcoholic druggie lunatics. It was her path from birth. Why should we interfere? Sending Frankie to rehab just fucks with the universe. Let her be. She belongs in an alley somewhere free basing, eating fried chicken out of a big cardboard tub, and dancing to old school rap. Anyone who believes otherwise is wrong! Some human beings sole purpose on earth is to be a court jester. She's funny. Probably not as funny sober, so let her be dammit!


I was so confused when I heard that Rick Ross and friends apparently spent 1 million dollars at a strip club for his birthday? I'm so glad I stole his cd off Limewire. I couldn't see giving him my 10$. So he could blow it in the club? If he can piss away a mil in the trap, then he is better off than I am.

As a matter of fact, there was one song that I couldn't find on Limewire, and I had to actually pay for from iTunes, where can I write to get that back? I'm so not kidding. Not for anything people, it's Black History Month, could we not act so nigger-like this month at least? OMG...(holds head).

I'm so confused. Don't you have to be divorced before you can get married again? Kelsey Grammer couldn't see waiting! He's apparently getting married on Feb. 25 at the Plaza in NY. His soon to be ex wife "Crazy Camille" is asking for a 50 million dollar settlement, and I believe she deserves every bit of it. As weird as she may be, she stood by his side for 13 years, raised their family, tickled his old wrinkled saggy milky white nut sack when I'm sure she didn't want to, and he up and leaves her without notice? Take him to the cleaners Camille!



Rihanna premiered her video for S&M the other day, and I absolutely love it. I'm so happy for her and all of her success. See, there was life after that ass whoopin' Chris Brown put on that ass!

...and I'm out like Mubarak.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ugg-ly, Censored Sir Elton?, Grrrrrr.....

Ummm yeah, so you guys know I love you right? You know how much I love you guys? I had computer problems, so I'm at the Mac store. I'm actually blogging here on one of the computers while I wait. People are looking at me weird, but I could care less. It's kind of comfortable here. I've set up my own make shift office and everything. If you need me call me at the Georgetown Apple Store. Tell them to connect you to the guy in Moncler. Anywho...

On my way to this bitch I took the bus and saw these. It damn near sent me over the edge. Uggs with side pockets? Just when I thought the things couldn't get any uglier.

Ugg Exec #1 in meeting: So guys, we have to think of a way to make these things even more hideous than they are now. Suggestions? (someone raises hand in back) Yes, you in the back...

Ugg Exec #2: How about we make them bulkier, and add crazy looking pockets to the sides of them?

Ugg Exec 1: (rubs chin) Pockets? That could work.

Ugggghhhh! Someone help me!


Sir Elton

If you guys didn't know by now, Ms. Elton John and her wife (husband) had a baby on Christmas day. The baby was of course born through a surrogate, and is adorable. However, if you live in Arkansas and shop at a redneck store called Harps you'd probably never know.

The couples US magazine cover was censored with a block that reads, "Family Shield to protect young Harps shoppers"? I'm so confused. What's wrong with this?

They're not holding the baby dressed in gay bondage leather gear? The baby isn't using a mini butt plug as a pacifier? There's no anal beads in the shot? Which if I had a baby ALL of those things would be incorporated. It looks pretty wholesome to me besides the fact that they're both pickle eaters? What's wrong with that? What are they protecting kids from? So strange.
Obviously they didn't watch yesterdays Oprah! So rude!

Congrats To Ms. Elton and her new addition. Go on Girl! lol...



If you really wanna get my temperature boiling, nothing makes me more upset than Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watcher commercial. When she hits that high note a million tiny hairs on my back stand at attention, I become tense, and one time I could have sworn I blacked out. Remember years ago that woman who went into seizures every time she heard Mary Hart's voice? Yeah, I have have a similar experience when I hear this commercial.

Some people should just stay fat, and she is one of them. Well, history has shown us what Weight Watchers does to those in Hollywood anyways. I giver her 6 months for her and Kirstie Ally to be eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts together back at her initial weight.

Freedom is mine, and I know how I feel shit!