Built "Tom Ford" Tough, The Queen of Soul, This Is The Worst Christmas Ever!, and Dora The Explorer?

Built "Tom Ford" Tough

Recently Tom Ford went on record to say that he thought that fat women looked better nude. He says, "Fat women almost always look better without the constraint and lumpy pinching of clothes, all the straps and elastic squeezing and sucking. We are the only animal that wears clothes, and that can't just be because dogs can't do up buttons."

I don't know if I agree with my birthday friend Tom Ford on this one. I'm quite sure I don't wanna see a herd of naked fat women roaming the streets, but I will say that waistline challenged people definitely SHOULD NOT be wearing his clothes. All of the lumps and fat pockets distract from the beautiful lines of the clothing. We should be clothes hangers for these beautiful pieces of art! You could probably place that statement under the "Weightism" (Prejudice or discrimination against people based on weight) umbrella, but sorry. God invented moo moos for a reason.

Tom does no wrong in my eyes. He was chosen to curate this month's edition of French Vogue. If you haven't seen the spread, it's amazing. he always inspires. Did I mention that he's super fucking hot?

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The Queen Of Soul

I know you guys were probably expecting a cruel segue from the fat story to Aretha, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The Queen has the "Big C" for heaven's sake. Pancreatic Cancer was the killer that took the lives of Patrick Swayze and Michael Landon, but hopefully the queen survives.

It has been reported that she underwent a very successful surgery. Her spirits are high, and has made a statement saying that "God is still in control".

I know I'll be praying for Ms. Franklin's speedy recovery. Get well soon!

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This Is The Worst Christmas Ever!

It's the Holiday season, so I'm sure you're quite frustrated with crowded shopping malls and rude sales associates (big ups to Neiman Marcus). That frustration could cloud your head and distract you from buying the perfect gift for your loved one. Just make sure you don't end up gifting any of these. They'll have your friends and family shouting, "This is the worst Christmas ever!"

The chamber umbrella. It actually is a great idea. I sure have been in monsoon like rain storms, and standard umbrellas just didn't cut it. This would eliminate wet clothes, but I'm not sure you'd have a friend after you gave this as a Holiday gift. Test your luck if you want?

The Flatulence Blanket. It is supposed to counteract bed farting, and eliminate most of the odor associated with bed farting. Hmmm? Again, another gift I would never want to get from a friend. That's grounds for erasing your number from my mobile.

Handerpants. Underpants for your hands. They really serve no purpose, just underwear looking fingerless gloves. Ummm, don't tell anyone but I bought them.

Shoot me alright? I just wanted to see how they looked.

Kitty paw mops. I don't even have a cat, so I guess I'd have to either borrow one, or buy one of my own to use these? I'm sure the cat would probably make more mess than clean, but it sure as hell looks funny. Still, do no buy these for me though.

Stink Port. It's a chamber that you plug into your usb that emits a stinky scent every time you type a curse word. Don't even bother, because the shit would be empty fucking with me. See it would have gone off just then. Don't ask me how it works, but my house would be a gassy mess. If you're shopping for me this season, nothing says "I love you" more than cash. Oh, or Hermes.

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DORA THE EXPLORER

Don't have me babysit, because this is the version of 'Dora The Explorer' that I'd have your kiddies watching. I'm so not joking. Enjoy.

Tribute: Daphne Guinness, Back That Ass Up?, Caught By Q, and Unnatural Woman!

You all better know who Daphne Guinness is, but if you don't, you'll know after this post. Daphne is an heiress of the Guinness family. Yep, you got it--the beer. Besides hops, the Guinness' also dabble in banking and politics. Yadda yadda yadda, basically Daphne Guinness has money to blow! Apparently, she DOES have money to "Blow", because she put an end to the auction that was to be held in September containing Isabella Blow's (the woman who is noted for discovering Alexander McQueen) prized couture wardrobe. She put an end to the auction by buying out the whole collection of Blow's clothing. Guinness told the New York Times, "It's Issy--it's her DNA--it should not be scattered to the four winds. I want it to remain as a monument."

This is no surprise to the fashion world, because Daphne is no stranger to buying complete collections. When I say complete, I mean complete! She leaves no couture stone unturned! Oh, and you'll never catch her sitting on a second row at a fashion show. Besides, she doesn't really care about the show anyways, because she's so influential in the fashion world that designers call her for advice. She's already seen the collection months before you! Now who wants to fuck with her? I sure as hell don't.

Disclaimer: Before you look at the many photographs I've posted of Daphne, you must command complete silence in whatever room you're in. I'm so serious. No one is allowed to speak when looking at such amazing couture. Proceed.

(Exhales) Someday...

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Back That Ass Up?

Ok, so I'm sure you can already tell by the opening shot of the video that this will be way gross (Take that as your disclaimer). At a recent "hood" event this woman decided that it would be a good idea for her to leave the house with this on. Besides from the fact that her ass covers more square miles than the BP oil spill, her pants are virtually non-existent. I don't even have a vagina, but I have a sudden urge to go buy a huge box of Gyne-Lotrimin. The girl in the video should definitely seek a career in being the lead in vaginal itch commercials, cause there's no way those pants aren't scratching up her "peach".

I don't know who needs all of that ass? Anything that she wears looks pornographic. What does she wear to church? A P.T.A meeting? Court? The grocery store? A bat mitzvah? These are all questions I need answered. Oh, and she can also kiss running for a public office buh bye!

I bet if we pried her butt cheeks apart we'd find loose quarters, lint balls, Tupac's killer, a half pack of Now and Later candy, an empty water bottle, an old sombrero, a piñata, some old metro cards, loose pretzels, bar nuts, 5 earring backs, a doggie chew toy, old ATM receipts, a recipe book, old vhs tapes, a spare toothbrush, a deck of cards, an old set of rabbit ear antennas, the Da Vinci code, (fades down) a Proactiv 3-step Acne kit, an anal thermometer...

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Caught By Q

I was on the bus the other night headed home, and sat down next to this woman. That was definitely a wrong move. This bitch was crazy as hell. She was talking to motherfuckers that weren't even there. She was mumbling something about war and swatting at invisible shit in the air. I guess the voices in her head got too loud, so she started to hold the sides of her dome really tight and rocking back and forth. At first glance, it looked like a new Soulja Boy dance, but I knew otherwise.

I had a plan if she decided to go off on me though. I was gonna mace her ass, and then bust her over the head with the big bag of change I keep in my bag. Luckily for her, she kept it cute and escaped suffering multiple contusions. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Damn.

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Unnatural Woman

Now I know I shouldn't be talking about Auntie Urethra like this, but she was dead ass wrong. How the fuck are you gonna wear the same damn dress two nights in a row to two very high profile events? In the picture above she was at the Tony's on Sunday, and below she was photographed Monday at the Apollo Theatre Awards.

I know it takes a whoooooolllllleeee lotta fabric to cover those torpedo titties of hers, but goddamn! The same dress back to back though? She could have had some queen whip her up a dress I'm sure. All she did was change her damn wig. I bet she didn't even Febreeze that damn dress down. I'm sure the gown had hot sauce and gravy stains on it from the night before.

Aretha's people should be fired. Actually, they should be fired and sent to Mexico to work as a sex slaves. This is not good, lemme tell you!