Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Beard, Wax On-Wax Off, and It's Dynasty Wednesday!

You guys know Ted Haggard, the preacher who was secretly a sausage jockey behind closed doors? Yeah, great! Well, his wife Gay Hag, I mean Gayle Haggard has written a book explaining why she didn't give up on her husband.
The book is entitled, 'Why I Stayed', and is on bookshelves as I type. The hag was on Oprah yesterday. She explained to Oprah that their relationship has grown stronger ever since her husband confessed to giving an escort the "homo Heimlich maneuver".

I'm thinking that she should have just told Oprah the truth. If she wanted a gay around the house to help her put together outfits and things, and do her hair, just say it. Oprah would understand, she has a team of queens that make her remotely look like a human being daily. Hmmm, to each is own I guess? Good luck with your sword swallowing husband Gayle!


Wednesday, January 27 2010

Dear Monique,

I'm so happy for you and your recent success with 'Precious', but I just have one thing to say. (deep breath) BITCH IF YOU DON'T WAX YOUR FUCKING LEGS YOU NASTY CHIA PET ASS HEFFA! I'm sorry, there is nothing sexy about all that hair on your legs. Your shit is more hairy than mine. If you'd like to go to the next level in your career, you must visit the nearest spa and get that carpet removed from you legs! How would you ever "go mainstream" looking like a cro magnon?
Now I don't know what annoys me more about you more now--your loud screaming, or those legs that look like ants on a log? If your legs look like that, I'm just wondering how bad your crotch is? It must be like The Everglades! OMG, I need a catcher cause I'm about to throw (running for toilet holding mouth)...

P.S. I loved you on 'The Parkers' though. "Dang Mama"




Today's 'Dynasty' clip gave me more life in the first 10 seconds than I've gotten all week. First, check out Sable's head piece. It's the fucking ruler! Second, get into Alexis when she reads Sable by saying that her "hangover has arrived". The clip is a little shaky at the beginning, but you can at least hear the audio.

I love that they were cousins, but fought like rival gang members! I die!


Wifey said...

I cant stop laughing you are so funny... Thank you for my bi-weekly pleasure :)

Selsks said...

I used to make movie posters and we would always start by going through the images of the actors to chop them up and make hollywood magic. Well we were working on some Monique movie and ohhh my god you could hear the shrieks of agony all over the office as all the designers viewed the hairiest stretchmarkiest bitch on the planet. Especially when zoomed in on photoshop! :(

Troy Notorious said...

Monique's keepin real and I cannot cannot see her any other way. Those hairy legs are paid, baby, PAID.

Will said...

Great post. Monique look fabulous in that dress.