Thursday, March 25, 2010

The "L" Word, BGC Wrap-Up, Caught By Q, Hands Off!, "Housecunt Thursdays", and It's 'Martin' Wednesday--The Thursday Edition

(opens door) Oh, I've been expecting you. Come in and have a seat. Would you like something to drink? No? You're fine? Great, well I guess we can get started...

Our first order of business is Ms. Kim Zolciak from the 'Real Housewives of ATL'. It seems that Kim has admitted to being "bisexual". Rumors started after the photo below was taken with DJ Tracy Young at a party.

Kim fesses up to being a beaver banger in the new issue of 'Life & Style magazine'. She says, "I don't believe love has a gender. I have a ton of girlfriends who have been with girls, and I could never comprehend that before. Now I can. But I don't want to define gay, bisexual or straight. I just think it's too much for me — a woman doesn't define me, nor does a man,".
The now "couple" met after DJ Tracy Young met with Kim to remix her song 'Tardy for the Party' (how long will we drag this song out?).

I support Kim in her decision to be a part-time vag-aterian. She definitely not a lesbian, but I don't knock her for trying it. All I have to say to DJ Tracy Young is you better come out outta your pockets! We all know that Kim likes the trinkets. So this means that Big Poppa has a space open for a mistress? (rubs chin)
Anyways, congratulations to the new couple, and happy pearl diving! (WHISPERING: It will be over VERY quickly once Kim comes to her senses).

In other box-biter news, an 18 year old in Mississippi is fighting for her right to bring her girlfriend to her Senior prom. When the school got wind that she may bring a girl to the prom, they cancelled the dance entirely. As expected, she's been going through a rough time at school. Students haven't been supportive at all, being that she's the reason their dance was cancelled. She says that her nerves were "shot".

The Queen of "Lesbian Land" Ellen DeGeneres had the teen on her show recently. She surprised the young girl with a $30,000 college scholarship. Damn, that's a whole lotta' money for eatin' some pussy. I may have to try it. (throws up in my mouth)
The dance, which was to take place on April 2nd is still cancelled. There is no talk of the prom happening, but it has been said that by cancelling the prom it did in fact violate the girl's constitutional rights. Fucking bigots!


Moving right along...

(raises hand) So, how many of you guys saw the Bad Girl's Reunion special the other night? It was a big 'ol pot of slut soup.

My girl "I run L.A." Natalie was there. That rectum ranger Perez Hilton was the host. Every chance he got, he tried to play her. At one point he told her that he was "staring at her acne". Mr. "Light in the Loafers" Perez also took a water gun ang soaked Natalie down after Natalie attacked one of her cast members.
I couldn't see that horrible butt pirate disrespecting me like that. So he loses a little weight, and hangs out with Paris Hilton and becomes a complete bitch? I'm so not a fan of his. He looks dirty, and needs to be dunked in a vat of boiling bleach.

Flo came out with guns blazing. I swear she has a penis. Can someone check on that? I swear I don't want ANY woman to be that aggressive. She has more testosterone than I'll EVER have. She's more man than most men I know.
I have no clue why she didn't just admit to being a "hater". She left the show because no one was giving her any play in L.A. She's a switch hitter, and was getting laid by guys or girls.
If I played for both teams, trust and believe I'm gettin' SOMETHING? Step your game up Flo. Don't be mad that the other girls were getting dicked down on the daily and you weren't. Damn shame.
Anyways, the reunion was entertaining, and definitely did not disappoint. The Anal Assassin, I mean Perez Hilton, announced that the next season of the show would be in Miami. I can't wait. I'm sure it'll be a trainwreck. (Don't tell anyone I watch this o.k.?)


I'm not fond of these mobile food carts anyway, but what witnessed this morning on the way to the train was horrific. The attendant in the booth was "digging for a pot of gold". I mean his finger was so far up his nose that he had to have felt his brain. After he was done his business, and wiped his boogers on a cloth in the cart, do you think he washed his hands? Hell no! He served the nice man in the corner of the picture a hotdog, and sent him on his way. After I got my picture, I walked away. He called out to me, "Can I help you?". I screamed "hell no", and pumped it to the train. So gross!

Also gross. What is going on south of her ankles? When someone wears a hell height this awkward, I wonder why they hell they just don't wear a flat. It's not a kitten heel, it's not a flat, it's just ugly. I'm not saying that you must wear a heel ALL the time (I'm lying), a cute ballet will do. I was seconds away from pulling them off her feet, dousing them with lighter fluid and setting them ablaze. My act of arson would totally be justified!


Speaking of Gross, Lance Gross and longtime girlfriend Eva Pigford have parted ways. Ladies, here's your chance (not that his relationship with Eva stopped you in the first place). If anyone gets at this dark chocolate specimen of man, let me know. I want full and complete details. It wouldn't hurt if things were taped either (silence).



Welcome to the first installment of 'Housecunt of DC' Thursdays on All of the 'Housecunts' will do a guest spot each week. The 'Housecunts' are Nikki (That's her sitting by me in the picture. She collects shoes and headbands.), Jonathan (He's the one behind the Tina Knowles look-a-like in the purple top. He likes Dior Homme, baths, and spray tans), Tamara (She is pictured in the far left of the photograph. She has "swimmer's hair", and just started an amazing new job.), Erika (She's the young Tina Knowles. She loves reality t.v., and Taylor Lautner), and you guys should know me by now. Also, pictured next to Tamara is Dwayne. He along with a handful of others, do guest appearances.

Fresh from an L.A. trip, Erika has some shit to say and you bitches better listen...

Hello everyone this is Erika aka Tina Knowles aka hot lips. I'm one of the cast members of 'The Housecunts of DC', and my weekend went a lil something like this... I went out for lunch with my girls that I’ve known since high school. I won’t name any names, because I’m sure she wants to stay anonymous. We'll just call her Bianca (besides one of my 'Housecunt' cast members don’t really get along with her). We started off eating lunch at the fine establishment called the Cheesecake Factory (blank stare), and by that evening I was throwing shit in a Louis duffle and heading to a private plane. I wasn't stopping until I was in the city of Angels LA! Thanks to our sponsor by the way (lets call him Buck).
The plane ride was the longest shit of my life, I felt like I was on the highway to heaven! So yada yada yada... Me, Bianca and "Buck" went out to eat at Geisha House. We were joined by "Buck’s" up an coming artist who’s name is PayPa ( I know corny right). We heard about Paypa all evening, and even listened to his music ( against our will). By the end of the trip I knew every fuckin' word to Paypa’s songs ( don’t judge me). Also, there was another artist. It was some chick. I can’t remember her name, but she was a Cash Money Reject (and apparently bisexual but we found that out later ).

After dinner, we left for the club Guys and Dolls. At first, the club was a real snore. It was full of fakers and posers. You know guys who think they're living a rap video? Right before I almost nodded off, I heard my jam 'Oh Le do It' by Wacka Flocka Flame (don't judge me). It was just the salvation that the club needed. Suddenly, in an instant, the club went crazy! That’s when the party really got started! Usher and Tyrese came through looking ever so handsome. That VH1
reject "Cali" from 'Real Chance At Love' was also there. Question: Why do reality show people think they're celebrities? I'll give you some time to answer that. Jot down your responses, and I'll pick them u later. Also in attendance were some Wayans brothers, or at least their children.
I'm not sure, it's too damn many of them, they're like roaches. Just when you think they're all gone, here pops up another one! Also saw Chingy (yes Mr. Right Thuur). Can you guys believe
girls are still throwing themselves at him? When was his last hit, like '05 right? I'm not gonna lie, he was looking kinda cute, I would have given him some too (shhhh, don't tell)!

I really wasn’t checking for anyone in the club. If you know me, it wasn't my type of crowd. I was looking for more my favorite Tiger Beat pinups! You know, Taylor Lautnor, Jake Glyenhall, or Ryan Phillipe? All I got was Chingy, and The Damn Wayans--far cry huh? If you've ever partied in LA, you know that the party ends abruptly at 2am. Immediately everyone jets outside to be seen, in hopes that TMZ is posted outside. Fucking posers!

The next day Bianca and I went out walking on Hollywood Blvd an we ran into so many celebrities an they were all nice enough to take pics with me. I even saw some dead celebrities (only In Hollywood)!

Ooooh Michael, is that rigor mortis, or are you just happy to see me?

No one told me we were showing cleavage?

Call me!

How dare you do that to Elin! You pig!

My trip wrapped up on Monday evening. I was at the airport for our 11:00 pm flight at LAX and I saw this guy sitting next to me fucking some food up from a Tupper ware bowl (where they do that at)? I finally made it home at 7am the next morn. I love going out of town, but there’s no place like DC!!!!

by Erika 'Housecunt of DC'


How would I ever have a day dedicated to 'Martin', and not pay homage to Sheneneh? Sheneneh was a character played by Martin himself. She was an "around the way girl" hairdresser that lived across the hall from him. Her and Pam (Gina's co-worker and best friend) always got into it. I love to watch their back and forth arguing. Almost 16 years after the end of the show, I still find myself conjuring my inner Sheneneh.
Today's clip is my favorite 'Martin' episode of all time. Gina and Pam were trying to join an elite Ladies League, but Sheneneh and her bestie Laquita weren't having it. Enjoy...


Jahayra said...

Love love this entry! I enjoyed the Hosecunts of DC! Cracking up!

ICY said...

great post!!! Eva aint know what to do with all that chocolate.. just give me 10 minutes.. LMAO (hoe moment)