Could I just start this post off by saying that on my way to work I bent over to retrieve something from my bag, and split my pants in the crotch. It's not totally "ass showage", it's more centralized right around the...well, you get my drift. It's kinda liberating. It's my little secret. No one else knows that I have a big 'ol hole in the seat of my pants today but me (and thousands of you guys who read my blog everyday). I'm totally talking to people today with a straight face today, but dying with laughter in my head. They have no clue my whole crotch is exposed under this coat. Anyways, let's hop to it!
So last week after a dinner with 'The Housecunts of DC', I went to the ATM to get cash for the bill. I guess the wine got me a little tipsy? I left my fucking card in the machine. I never realized it until days later. On Monday, I went to get a temporary card from my local branch. I got this guy, and he wasn't too helpful.
Dear Mr. Angry Black Man At Bank of America,
Could I just start off by saying that your Men's Wearhouse suit is extremeley repulsive? Secondly, I apologize that this is the 2nd time this year that I've lost an ATM card, but what concern is that to you? I'm believing that it's my money I'm banking with and not yours. If we are in fact sharing an account, you're on one broke bitch, because I haven't seen your half.
Please take note that it's a recession, and more so than any other time, Americans have choices. I can move my money over to BB&T, and I think I get a $25 gas card and toaster when I do. Better yet, how about I go Depression on your ass and hide my shit under the mattress? You work in the service industry for God's sake, would it hurt you to smile. I was busy on Monday, did you think I wanted to come to the bank to smell your Designer Imposter's cologne? Nooooo!!!!
In conclusion, it may benefit you to be a tad nicer to your customers. Oh, and lose the bad sqaure toed lace ups. Those quickly turn any angel into Satan!
P.S. It's not my fault you have a small dick.
Meet Precious' little sister Beloved. With a panty line like that, I sure as hell didn't wanna catch the front. I'm thinking there was a very aggressive camel toe thing going on (throws up a bit in my mouth). Oh, and grease those ashy ankles girl!
I swear I'm gonna light the next logo speedy I see on fire. I'm so over these "starter" Louis Vuitton bags. No one ever said you had to carry a "designer" bag. There are great leather bags that are half the price as this plastic trash bag with handles! Are you buying it just to say you have a "Louis" bag? So gross! At least get it in Damier, logo is soooo Asian tourist.
What in the Tresemme Paris styling products is going on here? I know it's hard to see, but homegirl had a whole "sweeping" thing going on in the back. It was tease, feathered, and sprayed to hell. That hairdo could have withstood the devastating earthquakes in Haiti. A softer look would suit you better sweetheart. I was (holding pointer finger and thumb close to each other) this close to telling you, but I didn't wanna have to cut you. I feared that you would have something smart to say, and then you'd be in the ICU. So it really wouldn't matter what your hair looked like then, now would it?
Holy Hog shit Batman! Check out Trey "the neighbors know my name" Songz out on the cover of the new Vibe. He looks pretty damn good (no Ricky Martin)!
Speaking of Ricky Martin, did you guys hear that he came out of the closet? (crowd continues to talk) Hello, I said did anyone hear about Ricky Martin being openly gay now? (crowd gets louder) Oh? I'm guessing this isn't breaking news is it? It's kinda like reporting that Joan Rivers like plastic surgery. No duh?
I just feel sorry for whoever has to go back through ALL of Ricky's old cd's and change the "she's" to "he's". We all knew you rode the bologna pony Ricky, thanks for making it official though.
(singing) "He bangs, he bangs!"
We've all gotten a little freaky from time to time (not me I'm a good Christian boy), but I can't ever say I got my head stuck in a headboard. Whatever Martin and Gina were doing, I may need to try, because it sounds like some freaky ass shit. After Gina gets her head stuck in the headboard, she still tries to get ready and go to work. It's physical comedy at it's best. Damn, I miss this show! Enjoy bitches!