Thursday, April 22, 2010

Gettin' "Wiggy" Wit It, "Ride", Honoring Whitley Gilbert, and It's "Housecunt" Thursday

(in Lil Kim voice) I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump-off! Did you miss me? Wait, don't answer that. It was rhetorical.

Something else that really doesn't require a response is this...

Try to contain yourselves, Vivica Foxx has a new line of wigs! If she wasn't already enough of a bamma, she has to go and do this? I thought she filled her days with planning how she would get back on 50cents dick?

Does this cougar cunt even have a publicist? Why would anyone think this was a good look?

When I first glanced at the pictures, I thought they were promotional shots for the next season of 'RuPaul's Drag Race'. I was slightly excited, but then took a closer look, (deflates like a balloon) then it was only Vivica.

The wigs are slated to go on sale this Spring. Oh yeah, you have to pay for them. She's actually selling these things in exchange for currency. I'm so upset, I have no clue what to do.

Oh, I'm sure this one is called "short and sassy". Why don't we just leave Raquel Welch and Beverly Johnson to do God's business of spreading love through selling wigs. I'm not quite sure we need any other "celebrities" selling hair pieces that look like they're made from %100 authentic elephant butt hair.

(hyperventilating) Can someone please make Vivica go away?



A lot has transpired since I've been with you guys last. One thing being Lil Miss Ciara and the release of her new video 'Ride'. The single is from her soon to be released album "Basic Instinct" (crosses legs like Sharon Stone).

One thing I know for sure is that Ciara turns out this video. This bitch can dance like no other, and her body is built like a Ferrari. If she had Beyonce's voice, Lady Gaga's following, and Rihanna's wardrobe, she could quite possibly rule the world. Anyone that can move their hips like that, should never worry about where their next meal comes from.

Just between you guys and me, she stole a couple of my moves. I won't tell you which ones, just watch the fuckin' video.

I wanna ride an electric bull all oiled up! Oh wait, I did that yesterday...


Honoring Whitley Gilbert

"Relax. Relate. Release."

Don't act like you guys never watched 'A Different World'. It was the 80's sitcom spin off of 'The Cosby Show'. Talk about "Must See TV", Thursdays were the shit during that time. No one was allowed to interrupt me during my sitcom all-star line up.
One of the reasons I loved 'A Different World' so much was a character played by Jasmine Guy called Whitley Gilbert. The show was set on a college campus called Hillman, where Whitley attended. Whitley was the snobby rich girl on campus that everyone loved to hate. All of the girls on campus were jealous of her oversized and overly embellised ponytail clips. Don't even mention Whitley's collection of Chanel bags, and her endless supply of 2 piece business suits with exaggerated shoulder pads.

Later on in the sitcom Whitley developed a crush on Dwayne Wayne played by Kadeem Hardison. Dwayne wasn't normally Whitley's type, but somehow after on and off again relations, they ultimately married.

Today, us (us meaning me) here at salute Whitley Gilbert. She was the ultimate young southern belle. As a young homo, I always said that my "hags" would be just like Whitley. She was one of the flyest chicks of the late 80's-early 90's. Who wanted to fuck with Whitley? She had her parent's credit card on lock!

Along with being dressed to the nine, Whitley always had a retort. She could read a bitch like n other. Check out the clip below when her and Dwayne were "off again", and he was dating a new girl. Whitley wasn't using, and threw shade like a palm tree!

Whitley: "Please, she looks like she should be sniffing luggage at the airport!"

Today is officially Whitley Gilbert Day. Channel your inner Whitley.
(in Whitley voice) Dwaaaaaayyynnneee!


"Housecunt" Thursday






and your's truly...

People are always asking what actually makes a "Housecunt" a "Housecunt". The name is a play off of 'The Real Housewives of (insert your favorite city here)". The "Housecunts of D.C." are younger, more hip, and don't take shit from any bitches! Today 'The Housecunts' share a couple of our tried and true rules to live by. Who knows, you just may become a 'Housecunt' yourself?

1. Girls are always required to wear nothing less than a 120 mm heel height (about 4 inches)! In some cases even while running heaving errands, or doing yard work. Not complying with the 'Housecunt' heel height regulations could result in embarrassment as well as legal action.

2. Specified members of 'The Real Housecunts of DC' are required to hang out with Christian Louboutin himself at least once a year! Why view the new collection online, you should just go right to the horse's mouth. Duh?

3. Always be camera ready! You never know when the fucking paparazzi may snap a shot.

4. Always wear fur! In some cases, even in the summer time. It's very "Anna Wintour".

5. Your lifelong objective is to acquire as MANY sunglasses as possible!

All different shapes and sizes, but the bigger and more tinted the better! Whether you call them "sunnies", "hater blockers", or "shit shades" (blocks you from shit talkers), you need them! If your house burns down, go back in for your sunglass collection. A little smoke inhalation has never killed anyone, well maybe it has? Trust me, you'll thank me later though.

6. Always wear something with "Bling"! I'm not talking about a Diddy "shiny suit", but an embellished t-shirt normally always does the trick. The more bling, the closer to God!

7. If possible, change clothes at least 3 times a day! I'm sorry but I get bored easily. Who wants to stay in the same outfit for any longer than 5 hours?

8. When meeting someone for the first time, ALWAYS stand them up! So many people are filled with bull shit, so if you stand them up and they persist you know they mean business!

9. NEVER remember anyone's name! Say you're at a party, and you in fact do remember the person's name, always say "...and your name is?" I don't care if it's your own fucking cousin! Don't let them know that they're that important that you remembered their name! How dreadful!

10. Always properly accessorize!

11. When out to dinner, whether it be with friends or business partners, ALWAYS sneak away to take bathroom self photos!

Preferably keep them waiting by themselves for A MINIMUM of 20 minutes while snapping multiple shots of yourself. When back at the table, show them your private photo session, and leave without paying the bill!

12. ALWAYS wear short shorts in summer. Oh, and don't forget to spray tan those legs!

13. Eat as much as possible, and NEVER admit to working out!

It's TrimSpa baby!

14. Only pop bottles of champagne on special occassions! If you go out every night and do it, what makes it so special when a birthday comes around. A top shelf cocktail should do. Poppin' bottles every night, we're so off that!

15. Shop as much as your bank account will allow! When all proper bills and obligations are paid, swipe your card until it's damn near in the red. You only have one life to live, so fuck it, I'm gonna die fly!

16. Always use profanity! Profanity also includes words such as "cunt". This particular word should be used as much as possible. At times it should be used multiple times in on sentence. Also, uneasy topics such as "fisting", "dildos, and "doggy-style sex" should be brought into conversation frequently. It just spices things up.

17. Go to as many events as your body will allow! You're only as good as your last appearance. You must keep your name on people's lips. When they stop calling your name, it's CURTAINS! YOU'RE DONE!

There are many more rules to being an official "Housecunt of DC", but they are way too numerous to share all at once. Check me out in a couple of weeks when I continue the rules! I hope you were taking notes.

Next week join us on "Housecunt" Thursdays when Nikki takes over!

Besos Bitches!

No comments: