Good Morning Fuckers. It was so damn hot here in D.C. this weekend. If this is what hell will feel like, I'm gonna start being nice from today on. It was that kind of hot where you started to sweat the second you left the house. I smelled a couple of funky motherfuckers too. Make sure y'all wash your asses good during these humid Summer months, because if I smell you, I'm calling your ass out. No bullshit son!
Anyways, listen to that new Kelly Rowland while I tell you about my week...
So last Monday I did Happy Hour at one of my favorite places, Grillfish. The food is always good, and the drinks normally are too. Did you catch that I said "normally"? On Monday there was this bitch bartender there who couldn't mix a drink if her life depended on it. Everything I ordered was fucked up. This bitch couldn't even pour a glass of wine right. Remind me to not go back when she's there.
After the botched up cocktails, Norman, Ky'Leigh, and I headed over to meet friends at the Berry Farms basketball courts. If you're from DC, you know what "The Farms" are. If you're in any other major city, just replace "The Farms" with whatever the dangerous urban area is in your town.
We went there to buy drugs and prostitutes. Just kidding, we went to watch some friends participate in a basketball tournament they were having over there. There were lots of kids running around unattended, as well as public weed smoking, and don't get me started on the cheap shoes. Add all of those ingredients together, and get a big ol bowl of "nigger soup". I loved it!
I'm from "The Burbs", so growing up I never saw men selling body oil from an ammunition belt. These things are intriguing to me.
They thought I was some kind of gay celebrity or something. People were asking for pictures and pointing. I mean, I was wearing my signature short shorts and bow tie, so maybe that caused the stir?
We didn't stay the whole game. We left before anyone got shot or stabbed. Which is unfortunate, because I've never seen that happen live before. I'll go back next time there's a tournament, and we'll see what happens.
The rest of my week was full of work and meetings. On Thursday I met up with friends Aureta and Dwayne for lunch at Central. It was a working meeting for an upcoming project we're working on. We all wore that exact same colors without even knowing. It was an earth tone/khaki fest! I guess great gays, and hags think alike?
On Saturday I headed over to The Park on 14th to help my friend Candace celebrate her birthday. It was packed! All floors were reminiscent of a slave ship, just full to capacity! We had a great time. Well, until people started to rape me. Not rape in the literal sense, I mean pulling and tugging on me as I try to make it through a room. Whenever I'm out, I'm always a magnet for drunk people telling me how much "I ROCK", or that they like something I'm wearing. Can we not forget that even at my most wasted, I'm NEVER drunk? So I'm really never up for much loud club drunk conversation. Here's an example:
Drunk girl at club: (yelling so I can hear her over music) Oh, my God! Dude you fucking rock! I love everything you're wearing!
Me: Thank you so much. (tries to walk away)
Drunk girl at club: (pulls on my arm) No, I love you! Like you're so amazing! Hey (insert random white girl name here), come here! Look at this guy. Like, isn't me great?
Me: Thanks again, but I really have to go.
Drunk girl at club: Oh my god, are you coming back? We should totally hang out!
Me: Yeah, I'll be right back. I just have to check on my friend in the restroom really quick. I'll be right back. (leaves the club with no intention of coming back)
Thank God my friend Ky'Leigh was there to witness it all. No one would ever believe me. So just imagine that happening about 5-10 times a night. Keep in mind that I don't go out before midnite, and the club closes at 3! I'm so tired of being raped in the club. Uggghhh!
Anyways, Happy Birthday Candace!
Now if I wasn't traumatized enough about being "gangbanged" by the blonde bandits, when we were leaving the club we saw this downstairs. He was "that guy" dancing hard in the club. At one point he even dropped it low. He was gyrating like a retired stripper. It was so embarrassing. I couldn't ever see dancing that hard in a club unless I was in a "Dance-a-thon", and the prize was like $100,000,000.
My mom was right when she told me to never trust a man in bad shoes, and look at his. She was so right. Thanks mom.
Last night I came home after work and relaxed. I ate Popeye's chicken until I damn near puked, and watched 'Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami'. I love them, they're so funny. After talking to my boo on the phone, I fell asleep. Now I'm here with you fuckers, but I have to go get ready for lunch. Today it's Wolfgang Puck's The Source! (wink)
Here in DC this weekend hundreds of thousands of sword swallowers and Birkenstock wearing pearl divers celebrated Gay Pride. I can only image what that did to the sale of poppers, lube, nipple clamps, dental dams, and black dildos? The sales must have shot through the roof! Happy Pride guys!
So while Washingtonians were being proud on this coast, Kelis was helping the West Coast fags celebrate. She performed at a concert there.
Old French whores, I mean EnVogue also did a concert in LA for Pride.
Russell Simmons also showed his support for the sausage jockeys! Thanks Russy!
I had no clue what the World Cup is? I still don't know, but one thing I do know is that there are some cute boys on these soccer teams. It's definitely helped me pass some time at work the past couple of days.
They should do live web cams from the locker room. They'd make millions! I'd subscribe!
Wow, hi number 5.
There we go. Now slowly take off his shirt....
Go World Cup!
Where The Fuck Is This Bitch Now...?
This is my first installment of "Where The Fuck Is This Bitch Now?" What better candidate than Lumidee? I haven't seen this bitch since she 2003. She sang that horrible, but extremely catchy song "Uh Oh". I found myself randomly humming it the other day and thought to myself, "Where the fuck is that bitch now?"
She so couldn't sing. I mean, waaay past how Rihanna can't sing. It was worse. She's probably in Spanish Harlem somewhere rolling up a blunt for her baby's father. Anyways, she at least had ONE hit? Right?
Ladies, I'm giving you time to stock up on panty liners, cause this one is sure to make you wet. Trey "I invented sex" Songz has a new Docuseries that will premiere on BET on June 29th at 10 pm. I'm penciling in a "masterbation session" on my calendar for that time, and you should as well. I'm interested in seeing what the show will be about, but more interested in catching shots of him shirtless (Sorry Nikki).
I bet the neighbors know his name...
You guys know I love this chick Alexyss K. Tylor. I honestly believe we were separated at birth. No one else (besides my vulgar friends and I) belts out "pussy" and "dick" like her. It's refreshing to me how open she is about sexuality and relationships. Check out this video when Ms. Tylor urges women to stop being a "Common Bitch". She means stop being stupid, and take heed to the signs your man gives you. Even though she's a little brash, this bitch speaks some truth. Get your life around the end of the video when she urges women to "know what their men's ass and dick smell like". I'l let her explain. I love this bitch!