And My Weekend Went A Little Something Like This, You Put Your Right Hand In--You Put Your Right Hand Out, Touch!, and "You Can Be My Black Kate Moss"

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House Hunter, Don't Jump!, Raz-Behave, Ride My Face?

B2k ft p diddy - bumpbumpbump by perfectgirlrj

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been blogging like I'm "supposed" to but I've been frantically looking for a place to live. I'm believing I'm over the whole apartment thing, and want a house. I need space to spread my shoes out! I'm also looking for a cool neighborhood. Something kind of edgy with street thugs on the corner, but I want my neighbors to have Range Rovers and wear Tori Burch flats.

Yesterday I had an appointment for what appeared to be an amaaaazingly renovated row house on N st. in NW. I arrived early and surveyed the neighborhood. Even though it looked a tad urban, I saw yuppies jogging down the street, so I knew it was in the process of being gentrified. I checked out the place, and it was gorgeous. There were beautiful hardwood floors, and so many bathrooms that I could shit in a different one everyday of the week and not repeat. They only thing wrong was the back yard. The whole back area of the homes on that block shared a long patch of unkept mangy weed ridden trash filled grass. It totally looked like rape woods. You know in the movies when the innocent white girl (me) is jogging down the street listening to Justin Beiber on her iPod, and a ferocious salivating latino man with fangs jumps out of the woods to rape her?

Oh hell naw, it wasn't gonna be me! I quickly shook the brokers hand and left out faster than Eddie Long at a Pride Festival.

My second nightmare yesterday was a building in a prime location! Right in the "heart of Logan Circle" the ad boasted. As I walked down the street I saw a building at the end of the block. It was sunny yesterday, but oddly enough this particular building had a cloud over it. I rolled my eyes when I realized the address matched. The broker was sweaty and fat. He looked like he stopped to buy a blow job on the way. He extended his hand for me to shake it, but I smiled really big at him in lieu of a hand shake. He took me into the building, and the first thing I saw down the stairs was a rape laundry room.

You know the kind of laundry room when the again innocent white girl (me) is washing her clothes in booty shorts and a tank top with her nipples erect, and from out of nowhere a cyclops Black man jumps out of the dryer and and pulls her in and rapes her! Oh hell naw. It wasn't about to be me. I don't do public laundromats anyway. Besides the fear of being raped, I don't wanna get bed bugs or crabs from washing my clothes in a communal washer. So gross! Wish me luck house hunting!

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So I'm guessing T.I. talked a man down from a roof who was threatening to jump in ATL this week? T.I. supposedly recorded a heartfelt video for the man which police officers played to cajole the man down.

Not to jump straight there, but the guy clearly was gay. I mean, hellooooo it's ATL, and secondly if I'm a grown ass man I couldn't see being talked down by another dude. That's some sweet talking homo shit son! If I'm straight, give me a woman. Lord knows what T.I. promised this mystery man. You know Clifford is trying to portray himself in a more positive light after his possession arrest so he's pulling out all the stops. You know what I'd request from T.I. in exchange for not jumping...? (clears throat)

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Raz B was back this week accusing people of butt raping him while he was a member of Coco Dorm, I mean B2K. He obviously has issues, because he just WON'T let it go. In the video below, he goes on Marques Houston for allegedly butt raping him, and also for Omarion saying that he "has bipolar".

I'm totally not making a joke of his situation, but with lips like that can you blame Marques Houston for wanting to test that shit out? Whitney said it best when she said, "It's not right, but it's ok!" Some things you just have to let slide...

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Just when you thought urban Blacks were locked up and the key had been thrown away, they appear with the most outlandish shit EVER! Some idiot actually sat down with a pen and pad and wrote a song called, 'Ride My Face'. In this video we see a young gentleman actually demonstrating the dance on a couple of respectful females. These girls appear to be sunday school teachers, librarians, or crossing guards (side eye). I'm sorry I just can't do it! What's wrong with Blacks?

Ummm, if anyone know the shirtless one though tell him to call me. Did you see that tongue action? (so homo)

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., Caught By Q, T+T+E=, and What You Talkin' Bout Willis?

Wow, it's my first "Weekend Wrap-Up" in months. I may be a little rusty, so don't judge me. As always, I'm hoping everyone had a great weekend. The weather here in DC was gorgeous thanks to Hurricane Bob or Ryan or Alejandro, whatever it's name was. It brought a "cold front" here, which made the weather normal. Last week I could have sworn I had died and gone to hell. Maybe I was just hallucinating, but I'm quite certain I saw the devil walking through Chinatown?

On Friday I had a me day. After a quick meeting, I went to my microderm appointment in Chevy Chase. While skimming magazines in the waiting room, the doctor came out and said, "Quincy Jones?" I nodded yes and started to gather my things to have my procedure done. The doctor said, "Oh, I won't be performing your procedure today, I recognize you from Facebook. You're friends with one of my friends." I smiled and put my shades back on. As I sat there, I thought to myself, "Even doctors Facebook stalk!"

After my appointment, I headed into Georgetown to meet my friend. We got manicures and then headed over to The Four Seasons for apertifs and a bite to eat. Not too much though, Fashion Week is coming! After Four Seasons, it was off to Cafe Milano for dessert and a bit of people watching. Not so much us watching people, but the other way around!

(Sidebar) Congrats to my friend for making Washingtonian Magazine's Style Setters list for 2010. Pick up a copy, and check out her blog here www.aureta.net.

After dinner number 2, I went to Chinatown to meet J for a movie. 9:40 at Chinatown was probably not too good of an idea. I felt like I was on Soul Plane. People (When I say "people", I mean Black people) were talking to the screen, and answering cell phones in the middle of the movie. I could have sworn I heard someone ordering a pizza or something. I was mortified, but the movie was entertaining. Chris "Eat the cake Annie Mae" Brown looked so damn good, and T.I. was just dreamy!

After the movies, I met up with a friend and we headed over to Donovan House. The night was lovely, and the view was amazing. After seeing a drunk girl drop her clutch in the pool, and an even more drunk guy JUMP in the pool it was time to go.

On Saturday I slept late. When I did actually rise from the dead, I went to get a haircut. After I got my tresses snipped, I met up with my friends Migdalia and Crystal (friends from my Alma Matter M.U.), they were in town for the weekend.

There's Jaden, Migdalia's son putting the moves on Kendall, Crystal's daughter. He's starting early. Fucking men!

It's always great to hang with my peeps from college. We always reminisce on our youth! I was quite the wild child. I have some stories for your ass! lol...

Speaking of ass...

Later on in the night, my friends and I ended up here. Secrets! It's the greatest place on earth. If it was good enough to take Christian Louboutin, it's good enough for ANYONE goddamit!

After many gay mirror self pics, and lots of dick and balls being swung in our faces, I had worked up quite the appetite. We headed over to my girlfriend's restaurant Oohs ans Ahhs on U St.

There's some bitch that was sitting at the bar, and her bad wig...

...and there's Norman and Dwayne waiting for their food. I had catfish, greens, and mac and cheese. I still have a 26 inch waist--ain't nothin' changed!

If that late night meal wasn't enough, the next morning I headed over to Creme to meet J for brunch.

That's me in the elevator chunkin' up the deuce. I live on the 10th floor, so I have plenty of time to take pics of myself on the way down...

Fried Chicken and waffles on deck!

After brunch, I met up with my college friends again one last time before they headed out. We walked around Georgetown, and enjoyed the beautiful weather.

Later in the day I met up with Ky'Leigh and Dwayne at Busboy's on K. It was so nice that we wanted to sit outside. After waiting for about 5 minutes, the hostess retrieved us from the bar to escort us to our seats. When we arrived at where we were supposed to be seated, some old queen (gay fossil) was sitting at our table. The hostess asked him who seated him there, and he shooed her off. I asked him if he stole our table, and he nodded "yes" without even blinking! I couldn't even be mad, it was kinda funny.

After dinner Dwayne and I headed out to the Fireplace for a drink. You guys know the bar that smells like vomit and jizz? Yeah, that one. I couldn't take it on Sunday night. There was at least 4 older guys there eye raping me, and I just felt gross. I apologized to Dwayne, and left. I headed over to Beacon Hotel rooftop--it was worse. I wish my grandmas were alive, because I would have taken them there on Sunday. It looked like a Golden Girls party in that bitch. I'm guessing guest from the hotel came up to crash the party, and they could have it! I almost jumped off the side of the building, but I was wearing Ralph Lauren Purple Label, and didn't wanna mess it up. I ran home as fast as I could, and got into bed.

Yesterday, lunch at Lauriol Plaza with Ky'Leigh and Norman. And then...

...pool party at The Capitol Skyline. Those are my sisters Darleata and Yaneek, they have perfect butts. All of the girls at the pool were jealous of their dunks!

Ask me why they had dancers dancing on blocks? This chick was wearing faux fur snow boots with a bikini. Is everything alright?

There's Darleata messing with this queen at the pool. You can't really see his body, but it looked like someone dipped him in honey, and then dipped him in red fur. That fire crotched fag needed a wax. Don't come to the pool if you're not pool ready. No one wants to see that shit!

Of course I needed some time to myself at the pool to take gay mirror self pics. It's all the rage, you should try it. Catch the guy in the back taking a leak. He came to the sink to wash his hands, but I couldn't see stopping my photoshoot!

Quincy and his angels...

After the pool, I went to meet up with friends for the movies. Hi D, A, and T! We went to see 'Animal Kingdom' at E Street Cinema. It was a great movie, just kinda of depressing. Call me a "chick flick bitch", but I like romantic comedies! There was nothing romantic or comedic about this movie, or the guy sitting next to me snoring like he was at home in bed. He payed ten bucks to come to the theatre to snore? He was knocked right after the previews!

...and the last gay mirror self pic of the day!

After the movies it was curtains for me. I was tired. The weekend kicked my ass (no homo). Peace!

Caught By Q

The other day I was minding my business and WWT (walking while texting). As I finished my text, I looked up and saw this! Is he kidding? If his back looks like this, what does his fucking crotch look like. If God has so allowed him to have a girl (or boy) give him a blow job, I'm sure it's some Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill pube on the coke can shit. So gross!

T+T+E=

Well, the hood Beyonce and Jay Z, T.I. and Tiny were arrested together last week for possession of E pills. They couple were recently married after T.I. release from jail. Looks like T.I. is back to the big house. Don't drop the soap. I'd perform a crime just to watch that shit!

Nice mugshot T.I.!

Here's me practicing my mugshot.

Knock on wood that I've never been in handcuffs (well, by a police officer. well...), but If I ever do, I'd look forward to the mugshot. A slight tilt of the head, and a smile of the eye!

Good luck T.I.! Let me know what facility you're going to, so I can make a conjugal visit (wink).

What You Talkin' Bout Willis?

This is the first installment of "What You Talkin' Bout Willis?". It will be stories that make you say, "Awww hell naw". Like this one...

It's been rumored that 'Real Housewife' Michaele Salahi would be posing for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. Her camp has denied the rumors, and I really hope it's not true. Isn't there some magazine called 'Cougar' that she could pose for or something. Playboy is for young cooch, not middle aged vag! Sorry for saying "cooch" mom!

Dear Diary, I Think I Have A Crush...

If you're a follower of my blog, you should know that Soulja Boy is so dreamy to me. I have no clue what it is about his overly urban down south garish swagger that makes me weak in the knees? Watch his new video for "Kickin" here. Wow! (wipes brow)

Talk about brow wiping...

Check out this months cover of Essence magazine. I was wishing it was a scratch and sniff cover, but it's not. All that chocolatey goodness on one cover is just not right! Boris, Blair, and Lance? Now that's a threesome I'd pay to watch (no hetero). Don't jude me.

Also catch the cover of UPSCALE with Clifford "I've got army guns" Harris aka T.I. Has anyone seen 'Takers' yet? I made my to the theater a number of times, but couldn't bring myself to see it. I've never masturbated publicly before, but feared doing it in the theater while watching T.I. and Chris Brown together. I'd wear a bow tie and everything just like Pee Wee Herman (reference: Paul Rueubens, a k a "Pee Wee Herman", was arrested July 26 1991 for jerking off at the South Trail Cinema, an XXX theatre. Reubens paid a $50 fine and did various and sundry community services. Children's television will never be the same.) (Pee Wee Herman laugh)

Last but not least on my Crush of The Week List is...

Me of course...

...and my baby's father Diddy aka "Ciroc Obama". Diddy is so dreamy. I have visions of him "Diddy Boppin" around my bedroom in some really tacky Sean John boxer briefs and Gucci high top tennis shoes (Again, don't judge me. You can't sensor fantasies! lol).

Check out his new 3 minute commercial for Ciroc. I die!

Clifford and Larry, Brand New, Single Young Ladies, and It's "Housecunt" Thursday--The Friday Edition

Hopefully you guys caught T.I.'s interview on Larry King last night. It was one of his first interviews since his release from the halfway house two months ago. Clifford a.k.a T.I. talked about the usual, how he was sorry for what he did, and how he can now move forward and help others to not make the same bad choices he did...blah blah blah! What would have really made the interview interesting is him talking about his "love me long time" chick Tiny, and how she must have that "good good". Despite her looking like she was hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels, T.I. keeps lacing this chick with amazing gifts.

Did you guys catch Tiny and Toya the other night when she received ALL of those things from her man? Either she has that bomb ass Dyson vacuum cleaner suction cup Karrine Stefans no gag reflex deep throat head game, or she has that slip and slide pussy. It's either one of the two, or maybe it's both. That would expalin it. Something has to give, please tell us your secrets Tiny! I want some stuff too, shit!

T.I. - Whatever You Like by inspired0123

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Brand New

Comedian Russell Brand shares his interesting life in this month's edition of Playboy magazine. Brand talks about his engagement with singer Katy Perry, as well as his sex addiction. Also, apparently when Russell was only 16 years old, his father bought him a prostitute. Brand says that he's had "a strange attraction to prostitutes ever since."

I don't know about you guys, but when I was 16, my father bought me a car, I can't ever recall him buying me a prostitute though (looking up at sky thinking).

Anyways, if you thought he couldn't get much weirder, get into him shoving a Barbie doll up his anus. Yeah, you heard me. He says that it was a "protest against consumerism", and that he chose a Barbie because of the shape. He goes on to say that [the shape of the doll] "it goes in easier, if you know what I mean." Okay? If you wanna be confused and freaked out any further, check out the whole article here...

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Single Young Ladies

During a recent dance competition, these little girls slayed Beyonce's "Single Ladies". For a second I had to catch myself, because it looked like someone was taking video in a gay nightclub. These girls are total F.I.T's (Fags In Training). Their choreographer has to be a flamer because they are losing it! With all that hair flipping, gyrating, and runway walking, they all must have a gay uncle or brother. You can tell when women are exposed to gay, they just can't hide it. Take a look at the next generation of fag hags. It brings tears to my eyes (grabbing for a tissue).

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It's "Housecunt" Thursday--The Friday Edition

Hi guys, sorry that Housecunt Thursday is a day late. This week it's was Nikki's turn, but she missed deadline yesterday because she was painting her nails, and dog-earring pages of Bazaar. She's readying herself for Fall and doing research on accessories. I mean, that understandable right?

Last weekend Nikki was lucky enough to jet away to Miami for a quick bit of R&R and 'Jersey Shore' fist pumping. Let's see what happened...Oh, and don't forget to vote for your favorite "Housecunt" (voting box top right corner of blog)!

Hi guys, it's me NIkki! First, I would like to say that I've never been so damn exhausted in my whole life! It's so draining jetting away to Miami, and lounging on yachts you know? My weekend was one big movie, and Ebert and Roeper would have given it 5 stars! Me being the self proclaimed diva that i am, I always fly out to Miami to get extensions and this time was no different.

Saturday I got up at the crack of dawn to pack and catch my 9am flight. The flight was quick, and before I could say "Louboutin", my Black ass was in the M.I. Right when I stepped off the plane, the humidity slapped me in the face. I wasn't about to have an afro, so I rushed to the salon as fast as my freshly pedicured feet would carry me. When I got to the salon, I had no idea that I was going to have an argument with Ada (a fiesty Dominican), about me NOT needing a relaxer.

Ada: Nikki, your hair is not nappy!

Nikki: Bitch, if you don't give me that creamy crack, we gonna have some issues!

She saw the fury in my eyes, so needless to say I got my relaxer. I'm still with the long and luscious (even though she took a few inches off my shit)! After the salon episode, I then jumped in a cab heading to SOBE to meet Kitchie and the girls for some taning on the beach. Talk about a perfect 10? Why were chicks are on the beach in thong bikinis! I had my black ass in a regular bikini because shit ain't sitting the way it use to! That's alright though, we gonna work on that. There ain't nothing that a little plastic surgery can't fix. I'll be damned if I'm gonna sweat these locks out in the gym!

We then went shopping in the FOUR HUNDRED company truck.

Yeah, you're reading it right. It says "Fo Huneed" bitches!

While shopping I somewhat tried to NOT buy everything I saw. I just kept repeating "practice self-control" over and over in my head like a mantra, but that shit didn't work! Just wait until you guys see my "new new". After our shopping excursion, we broke for hair and makeup. We needed to look pretty for our amazing dinner at Prime 112. The food is to die for!

Since we were with "Ms 400" herself, Simply Jess , we headed over to Cameo to "Oh Let's Do It" until 4am. Sunday morning morning we were up at 9am bright eyed and bushy tailed! We took an afternoon boat ride to a location about a half hr away from South Beach on the sand

bars. It was close to the house where they filmed the movie 'Scarface' ("What I try to tell you? This country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women!")

While I tapped into my inner Tony Montana, we tanned, played in the water and drank "piss in a cup" (grey goose and red bull). After we docked, we had a light dinner at Sushi Samba and shopped on Lincoln Rd. If youre ever in Miami on a Sunday night LIV is the place to be so it was only right that we graced the place with

our face! We "Diddy bopped" until 4:30 in the morning. I ran back to the condo to grab my things, and off to the airport I went! I Ieft a pair of my Louboutins in Miami, and I'm waiting on my prince to return them along with a few more pairs! We'll keep you guys updated on that (wink). What else can I say..."my life is your entertainment!"

You can applaud now.

Trey Who?, PETA's Peters, and Scratch and Sniff...

I'm not sure if you guys have heard about the diss record that Ms. Treyisha Songz has put out against Mr. R. Kelly, but I myself can't believe it.  Ms. Songz "raps" and "sings" to the beat of Jay Z's newest track D.O.A (Death of Autotune).  This young lady has the nerve to try and come for Robert, talking about how he is "fresher" than R. Kelly?  I couldn't see it!  R. Kelly has provided the soundtrack for countless baby making sessions (minus the whole egg fertilization process though) for me personally.  Do you know how many times I "had" to TP2.com?  Let's just say that the cd was scratched by the time I was done with it. 

R. Kelly has been a beast ever since Public Announcement.  Lil Ms. Trey Songz still had her hair in pig tails while R. Kelly was telling us that "she got that vii

iiiiiiibe".  Don't even mention '12 Play', I think this cd taught me everything I know about sex.  

Can anybody even name a Trey Songz single?  Oh, I know...'I Can't Help But Wait'--Get the fuck outta here!  I'm sure Ms. Songz has played with her clit to 'Your Body's Callin', and has the nerve to try and read.

Anyways, I'm hoping that R. Kelly doesn't even respond to this nonsense.  With all of the hits that he has given us over the years, I'm not a fan of golden showers, but I would let him pee on me--you know just as a thank you?  

What's your favorite R. Kelly jam?   I wanna know...

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So it seems that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants a certain rapper to pose nude for their newest campaign.  Yes, PETA has sent a letter to T.I. in jail to ask him to pose nude for the cause.  I'm glad T.I. is gonna be on lockdown for a minute, because I need time to get my heart right.  If I would walk up on a nude poster of him without warning, I might faint.  Lawd, y'all know how I feel about T.I.  Better not nobody say nothing bad about T.I.!  Hopefully, Mr. Clifford Harris acquiesces and drops his pants like they're hot.  He really doesn't give much body, but he could walk in any Ball for "Face" all day long!  I feel a prayer coming on...

Let us pray...

Lord, please watch over T.I. in jail, and don't let any of those big men play in his boy hole.  Lord, please let T.I. know that him posing nude is for a good cause, and that it would mean good P.R. for him after his release from jail.  Also Lord God, please guide and direct him to leave that tired cunt Tiny.  Let him know that there are beater bitches out here, and that she looks like Smurfette.  Amen!  Oh, one more thing.  It's not about T.I., it's just for me.  Lord, I can't wait until I have a pair of the men's Louboutin's on my feet.  Please guide my foot steps in the right direction, and assist me in making the smartest purchase.  I said AMEN!

Fuck T.I. posing for PETA.  You know what would be beat as hell, if they got motherfuckin' Michael Vick to pose.  Biiiiiitcccchhh, that would be so over!  The irony would kill me immediately!

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Special Announcement:  So, I'm in love with a new Creed!  It's called Neroli Sauvage.  I haven't thrown my Vetiver, or my dear Love in Black to the side quite yet, but I found this scent quite intriguing.  It has top notes of bergamot, lemon, and grapefruit.  It totally smells like "old money", kinda like death bed, sign right here on the dotted line grandma chic?  I live for it!

Fried, Dyed, and Layed To The Side, Train-Wrecked, and Break-Ups Aren't Easy...

Oh My!  Now is this ovah or what?  Not those hot tools in the club bathroom?  I actually hope most clubs install these in all women's bathrooms.  Now there is absolutely no excuse for girls to look crazy after they sweat out their hair.  What the shade would really be is, if there was a full working salon in the bathroom, and the cunt came out with a make-over.  I would get life if my girl emerged from the restroom with layers to frame her face and highlights.  So this means that the men's restroom needs a barber in there to tighten up their shape-up, or if you're from B-more you could get a "beijing"?   I live! 

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I don't know if ya'll see it, or maybe I'm just trippin'?  Is that Shirley from 'What's Happening'?  If it's not her, she is definitely conjuring her likeness.  Wasn't it ovah that Shirley was a big 'ol militant butch dyke on that show.  I bet she got her man (well women) in her day.  She was probably pulling bitches like WHAT!  I would have perhaps had Shirley for her coin?  I would have combed out her afro for filth!

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O.K., so I'm over Larry Johnson and I'm on to T.I.  I mean, he does have a new c.d. coming out on Sept. 30 called 'Paper Trail'.  Also if any of you have not gotten into "Swagger Like Us" from the album feat. Ms. Kanyeshia, Jay-Z, and Lil Wayne, you must immediately.  It's fiyah, and so is my husband of the day T.I.  I just have to find a way to get rid of that girl of his.  She's like a roach, she just won't die.  Text me Boy!

Ooooh, Can I really have whatever I like?

Boy, stop being crazy!  Let me buy your guns next time.  I'm gonna hook you up, I'm talking automatics, semi automatics, rifles, silencers, night sticks, night vision.  Do you need some hand grenades, cause I can get you some?

If he beat me, I would think about staying...(Im kidding...)