Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Lil' Richard vs. Lil' Kim: Two Lils Face Off...

Kimberly Denise Jones a.k.a. Lil' Kim was born on July 11, 1975.  Jones grew up in New York where she met rapper Notorious B.I.G. and the rest of her Junior Mafia crew.  They were all recognized as being extraordinary rappers and were signed to Bad Boy in the early 90's.  Lil' Kim's first studio c.d. "Hard Core" is a bona fide classic.  Kim's killer delivery and raw sexual lyrics took the rap world by storm.  In 2005, her c.d. 'The Naked Truth' was awarded 5 mics from The Source magazine.  She is the only female to have achieved that so far.  Also in 2005, Kim was found guilty of conspiracy and perjury for lying to a grand jury about a friend's involvement in a 2001 shooting.  Kim was sentenced to a year and a day, and served her time weave and make-up free in a Philadelphia detention center.  I actually think the bitch had even more plastic surgery done in jail, because her cheeks didn't give me all of that when she went in...?  What do ya'll think?

(sidebar:  I don't ever want an early shot of Lil Richard beating his face shirtless in a vintage four door Chevy while a trade watches!  I don't ever want that, this picture is everything to me!)

Rev. Richard Wayne Penniman, b.k.a. Lil' Richard was born in the dirty dirty in 1932.  At an early age Penniman attended church and was inspired by the style of dress (make-up), and vocal techniques of early gospel singers.  He began to play the piano, and was recognized early on to a great.  His style was considered to be a mix of boogie-woogie, with heavily accentuated back-beats, funky saxophone grooves, and raspy vocals.  This lady helped lay the foundation (literally...)  for rock and roll music.  Her hits "Tutti-Frutti", "Lucille", and "Long Tail Sally" have influenced generations of artists.  In 1957, she said that the Lord called her to be a minister, and attended Bible College.  Maybe that's where she took "Face Beating 101", cause her make-up is always set!  

Lil Kim and Lil Richard Face off.  Who is the most fierce Lil?  

Kim starts off strong from the gate, grabs her camel toe, and recites...

I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips to the shit
Handle it like a real bitch
Heather Hunter, Janet Jack-me
Take it in the butt, yah, yazz wha
I got land in Switzerland, even got sand in the Marylands
Bahamas in the spring, baby, it's a Big Momma thing
Can't tell by the diamonds in my rings

Lil Richard shouts, "Shut Up"!  

Good golly miss Molly, sure like to ball,
Good golly miss Molly, sure like to ball,
When you're rockin' and a rollin', can't hear your mama call.

Before reciting her next lyric, Lil Kim asks Richard what shade of foundation that he is wearing.  He says, "Shut Up!", and Lil Kim proceeds...

I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of faces
Ah hell I even fuck with different races
A white dude - his name was John
He had a Queen Bee Rules tattoo on his arm, uh
He asked me if I'd be his date for the prom
and he'd buy me a horse, a Porsche and a farm
Dan my nigga from Down South
Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth
And Tony he was Italian 
And he didn't give a fuck 
That's what I liked about him
He ate my pussy from dark till the mornin
Called his girl up and told her we was bonin
Puerto Rican papi, used to be a Deacon
But now he be sucking me off on the weekend
And this black dude I called King Kong
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue

Even though he is upset, Lil Richard was mouthing the lyrics to this song.  He composes himself, lets out a loud "Woooooooooooooooo", and sings....

I got a gal, named Sue, she knows just what to do,
I got a gal, named Sue, she knows just what to do,
She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West,
She is the gal that I love best,
Tutti frutti, ...

Kim is a beast man.  She recites these lyrics while getting botoxed in the face...

Does she do it like me?
Does she work that body?
Throw that ass like pu-pump-pump-pu-pump that hottie
Do she handle it like she got a deep throat?
I mean suck that cock 'til she start to choke
Does she like to have sex high off the X?
Try it with me and tell me who's the best
Does she like to wear thongs that you can eat?
Do she fuck your brains out 'til you fall asleep?

If Lil Richard were wearing pearls, he'd clutch them.  Stage hands roll out a piano, anda stylist brings a glittery outfit change before Richard shouts...

Well, long tall Sally, she's built for speed,
She's got everything that uncle John need,
Oh baby, yes baby, woo baby, havin' me some fun tonight.

Well, I saw uncle John with bald headed Sally,
He saw aunt Mary coming and he ducked back in the alley, 
Oh baby, yes baby, woo baby, havin' me some fun tonight.

Lil Kim laughs and says, "Look at this dude right here"...

You da best, Da Da
Now watch mama, go up and down dick to jaw crazy
Uhh! Say my name baby 
Before you nut, I'ma dribble down your butt cheeks
Make you wiggle, then giggle just a little
I'm drinkin babies, then I cracks for the Mercedes
Act shady, and feel my three-eighty 
or the raven, oohwee I see
Your girl ain't a "Freak Like Me", or Adina

Awww shit, Lil Richard is mad now.  I knew this was coming....

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with
Bama lama, bama loo.

I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this,
I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this,
She said woooo-oh, yeah.

"That's it, go to your corners", says the referee.  Lil Kim rips off her shirt to reveal her breast with only quarters glued to her nipples and changes her lace front.  "What is she doing?", says the announcer.  Lil Kim grabs the mic and shouts....

Wanna bumble wit the Bee hahh?
BZZZZT, throw a hex on a whole family 
Dressed in all black like the Omen 
Have your friends singin 'This is for my homey' 
And you know me, from makin niggaz so sick
Floss in my 6 with the Lex on the wrist
If it's Murder, you know She Wrote it 
German Luger for your ass bitch, deep throated

Now you wanna feel the room cause it's platinum coated
take your pick, 
Got a firearm you shoulda toted.
Suck a dick!

Whoa, that was crazy!  The crowd is shouting for Lil Kim, and Lil Richard stands there in a pout.  The winner is....
Lil Kim!  Lil Richard screams, "Shut Up!  They never gave me nothin'.  I invented Rock and Roll.  Nobody ever Rocked or Rolled before me!  I can't believe this, I was wearing make-up before there was ever a MAC!  Actually I invented the Big Mac.   I want a recount!  This is ridiculous, I'm a Hall of Flamer, I mean Famer!  Get off of my suit, these are rhinestones!  Ain't nobody even thought about wearing rhinestones before me, as a matter of fact, I been wearing rhinestones since the Flintstones!"  (escorted off stage by security)

Better luck next time Richard...


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

they look like twins lol

Mr. Jones said...

I like your blog, man. Keep up the good work.

Chet said...

Man you know you this was just what I needed, a damn good laugh and even a few tears of joy.

Loved me some Lil Kim in the beginning, LiL Richard will always give good face!

theoriginalblowersdaugtr said...

No one can touch Lil Kim. Plastic surgery or no plastic surgery, girlfriend is and always will be the illest.