(clears throat) So what did you guys do this weekend? Alright enough about you! My weekend started on Thursday after work. I went to a party at the Longview Gallery. It was cool. They had an amazing turnout. It wasn't ENOUGH for me though. These days you just can't throw a DJ in a room and call it a "party", I need more. What is going to set your event apart from the rest and make me remember your shit the next day after the hangover subsides.
I'm an old ho, I've been partying ever since I was 16. (pulling out abacus) So that makes 5 years (crickets). Anywho, I've been to parties all over and I need change, not for a dollar, but CHANGE in the party scene. Stay tuned for some upcoming shit from the crew and I. After the gallery party we went to Steve's Bar Room. I like the crowd there on Thursday. The space looks like a grandma's attic, but it's inviting. The people aren't stuck up or fake and pretentious. We boogied down to some 90's hip hop while doing some permanent damage to our livers. Patron is made in hell by the devil, I'm totally convinced. No alcohol should make you feel like that. The even more fucked up thing is that I continue to drink it. Now who's the weirdo?
After Steve's, we went to Shadowroom Thursdays. It was cool, just not my scene, you know? Fake ass bottle poppin' "niggas" in logo Gucci sneakers surrounded by a harem of sluts in fake Louboutins and bad weaves! The before...
...and the after. The next day dudes are calling their financing company asking for an extension on their car note because they popped to many bottles in the club trying to "one up" the next table. These wankstas are faker than silicone!
Cut to a shot of one of the security guards trying to get some pussy after the club. I couldn't see fucking for admission to a club? Well maybe if Nelly worked the door? So your shit is only worth $10/$20 after midnight/$15 with a college id? Tryna do me? I don't think so! (in club girl voice) Girl, he told me that if I sucked his dick reeeeaaaallll good that he would let me and both of ya'll in for free. Ummm hmmm, then he said that if I would tickle his balls with my tongue that we would get a free drink--not a piece, just one for us to share. (blank stare)
So the next day my ass slept until 3 pm. That patron had me on
some other shit! I woke up and got a haircut and went back to bed. I got up around 7 and started to get ready for a meeting with "the crew". My baby came to pick me up and dropped me off at the meeting secret location. I was home by midnight. I felt tired as hell, and I just knew I was going to sleep sooooo well. WRONG! My dumb ass didn't sleep a wink. I saw every fucking hour go by until my alarm went off at 6:30. I had to get up for work--now I felt tired!
I worked all day in a daze. It felt super surreal, like I was high or some shit! How was I going to tackle the events of the night? I had to meet the rest of my cast members from 'The Real Housecunts of DC' for the book club Christmas party. Thank God for prescription meds and wine, because without those I would have been down for the count.
9:48 p.m. light fare and cocktails with the girls at Masa 14. Nikki you wore the hell out of that red Herve by the way! You gave me hood Jessica Rabbit!
12:30 am: Editorial photo shoot on somebody's bike outside the restaurant with Jonathan and Fashion Mother.
1 am: Inside new club RECESS. They need to rename it "NAP TIME", because it was tired!
The Housecunts of DC' Season 2...
1:15 am: We just came inside to take pictures, and then we left. I couldn't see people saying that they saw us there and that we "appeared to be having fun". Fifteen minutes was enough for me in that dungeon they call a club. I saw a man in ENYCE. Where do you even find that anymore? Where did you even find it when it was so called "hot"?
After RECESS, we went to the "W" hotel rooftop. It used to be so nice there. Now it's turned into...into... How do I say this without being rude? Ummmm, well? Oh shit! A whole lot of Black people were there alright! Don't get wrong I looooovvveee MY people but it was the wrong crowd. I don't want to hear Jay Z in the Red Room at the "W", some nice lounge music will suffice.
After more editorial photo shooting, it was time to call it a night. I had to meet clients for Brunch in the morning. I set my alarm before I layed down for slumber. I guess I was so exhausted that I didn't even hear it. It was nothing but the Lord who tapped me on my shoulder and woke me up in time. I sped around my house trying to piece together an outfit to wear. I only had 45 minutes to coordinate accessories, shower, and cab it to restaurant. Somehow I pulled it off, I was only 15 minutes late (ok 25 minutes, but who was counting). We had an amazing brunch at the Cosmos Club, a members only restaurant where a jacket and tie were required to brunch. We sat and chatted for 3 hours.
After Brunch number one, I met the rest of the cast of 'The Real Housecunts of DC' for brunch number 2 at Lauriol Plaza. There we ate and chatted for a little over 4 hours. We saw one of our favorite waitresses there who told us that she was pregnant by a fake thug ass rapper, and that she had to leave her ex boyfriend because she though he was a "DL". She went through the history on his computer and caught him looking at trannies and white boys "pink booty holes" (that is exactly what she said, I'm not kidding!)
The last hour though we were stalking these two muscle queens who were on a date sitting behind us. We were getting in. Nikki and E were intrigued, and wanted to know who the "bottom" was. Lord knows I've taught these girls well!
After two brunches, I needed something to wash all that food down with...
Only God can judge me! Did I mention I have a 26 inch waist? Oh ok...
Happy Monday "Mongos" (please excuse the bad 'Precious' reference)!
So "The Nightmare" (shakes head), I mean "The Dream" finally wed his beard Christina Milian. They had a Roman themed wedding. What self identifying "straight"male wears that to his wedding? It's Tom Ford and Alexander McQueen for crying out loud! They should have just gotten married at the Latex Ball in NY. I'm not mad at her for staking her claim and getting knocked up. If she knows like I know, her ass would have married in California! Can we all say "HALF STATE" together? Lord knows they aren't gonna stay together. I'm sure she knows he's a queen, and that the relationship will fizzle around summertime when he starts to tour the Black Gay Pride circuits. A queen in McQueen, how dreadful!
Hey guys, does anyone remember Ashanti? You know baby, baby, baby (car doors slamming)? She's dating Nelly (cars speeding off)? Anyways she supposedly has a stalker. I guess the guy is a trainer. He has been sending lewd messages to her and members of her family. The messages have included pictures of his penis, and have described in detail things that he would do with her sexually.
I bet she hired this motherfucker to stalk her ass. What does Ashanti have to do, besides search for another hit record in the day with a flashlight? She has time for a stalker. I wouldn't have even called the Police if I were her, it would give her ass something to do. She hasn't even been out since 2002. What did the stalker do, take a time machine back 8 years? I just don't get it myself. Why would he want to stalk Ashanti, when it's beater cunts out to stalk like Beyonce and Rihanna and Maya Angelou? Ashanti though? She says words like "dope" and "ill", and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
Congratulations on your stalker Ashanti. You made the headlines once again, see you in 2020!
Pharell is the beatest cunty trade EVER! He rocks a Birkin better than any woman I know. Get into him in the new Spring/Summer 2010 Christian Louboutins.