And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., Oscar Myer Weener, How Does It Feel?, Caught by Q, and Run Forrest Run!

Today my mood may be best expressed through an excerpt from Lil Kim's song 'Shut Up' from the highly acclaimed 2005 "Naked Truth" Album. You ready? "I wish they'd shut the fuck up, damn good grief! You know your mouth's a cage for your tongue if you just close your teeth..." Why the fuck do people talk so fucking much? It seems like some motherfuckers bump gums from sun up to sun down. I would have had this blog posting done yesterday if it weren't for this lonely bitch sitting at the bar at OYA, next to me. This cunt kept talking, and about some shit that I could care less about. Could she that I was trying to blog? I gave her every body language cue I could to let her know to shut up, but it wasn't working. The only thing left was a stern Chris Brown slap up side her head. Maybe Rihanna was talking to much the night of the attack? Maybe that's why he went off? I can see how it could drive a sane man crazy. Shut up bitch! Uggghhhh.. Anyways, I left and when I go t home I wasn't motivated to blog. So here I am now...

I had a pretty quiet weekend. Well, quiet for me dammit. I really didn't do much? On Friday I was off. I met up with my sweets Aureta (who is one of Washington Life's 'Young and Guestlist' by the way) for an amazing lunch at Bourbon Steak inside the Four Season's Georgetown. After lunch, it was off for a little light shopping (I emphasize on "light", because I'm broke). I made it home without doing too much damage, and then called it an early night.

I worked on Saturday, it was horrible. Afterwork I decided to take myself on a date. I hadn't taken myself out for a while. I took myself out for tapas and sangria. After my dinner with myself, I was headed home to make out with myself (after all I did pay, and I'm a cheap date). While walking up my block, I saw fire trucks. I saw my neighbors, and she told me that there was a fire on the 9th floor. Great! Did they know I had to make out with myself quickly, and then get ready for a party? Fuck! It was kinda fun sitting in the lobby with my neighbors waiting to get upstairs. It was kinda like a little mixer without alcohol of course, but I was still buzzed from dinner so it was ok.

Get into one of the women in my building. She couldn't see taking her curlers out.

And also get into the woman sitting in the chair by the window. I believe she lives on the 4th floor of my building. She always gets life from me because I compliment her on her vintage Chanel bags.

After what seemed like an eterenity, we were let upstairs. I had missed my party, and I was blown, so I laid on the couch, and called it a night. Besides, I had an early day the next day.

On Sunday, I woke up fairly early. Normie and I were going down to my Dad's new church in Triangle, Va. You guys didn't know I was the son of a preacher man, did you? We left at around 11. Service was great, and it was good seeing my family and the new church.

After church we stopped through Georgetown to visit my boo who was with his roommate Tim, and bestie Shane (hi guys). We walked around G-town, it was gorgeous. Of course we made the visitation rounds. We stopped to see Dionne at Intermix, Carlton at Barney's, and Dwayne at Hu's Wear. Before we knew it, it was 5:30, and time to meet up with the rest of the cast members from 'The Real Housecunts of DC'.

Lauriol Plaza was the scene of the crime. When Norman, Dwayne, and I got there Nikki, Jonathan, Erika, and Yasmine were sitting outside. We had to move inside to a bigger table, and thank God we did...

...not before a quick photo op. Yes, I wore that to church. I wore it in honor of Oscar day. God loves fashion too...

We ate and drank until we couldn't anymore.

Amidst out gluttony, we seemed to notice an argument at he next table. The woman had the thickest country accent ever with a coif to match. She gave me Paula Dean Tammy Faye Susan Boyle Charlene Sugarbaker tea. It was so over for her. She was with two men, and she called one of them a "faggot". She then proceeded to yell "fuck that" repeatedly. I guess she worked herself up, and then she started to hyperventilate. She emptied her handbag on the table, and began to breathe into it.

I have video of the drunken trainwreck, but it wouldn't upload to Blogger. If were friends on Facebook, check my page for the video. If not, you're shit outta luck.

After all the excitement, the bill came.

This was all we had. A crisp 20, a pair of LV Evidence sunglasses, an LV scarf, a Hello Kitty ring, and numerous store discount cards. She took it, and we left.

...not before Yasmine tagged our table with a crayon. It read 'DC Housecunts was here'. I won't count you on grammar Yas, we were drunk.

After dinner we took editorial pictures outside (those coming soon). We went from American Vogue to V magazine, to Vogue Italia, to Sears catalog. The mark of a good model is versatility. After the photo shoot, we scattered like roaches. Stay tuned for the next installment of 'The Real Housecunts of DC'...(wink)

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So, I missed most of the Oscars because I was out conjuring, but I did see the recap, and all of the red carpet coverage. Here is a bit of my commentary.

You guys should know how I feel about her. Why is she even at the Oscars? The dress is pretty, but not on her. It's just not age appropriate. It makes her look way too old. Besides, she doesn't even know how to stand in it. Her posture is horrible. Someone needs to pretend that she's Jesus, and nail her to a cross. That should make her stand up staright!

Sarah Jessica Parker wore Chanel. It was beautiful. She can wear most anything and look great. What the fuck is going on with her old lady hands though? No one can concentrate on those fabulous diamonds when your hands look like those of the Crypt keeper!

Nicole looked so chic! Such a far cry from the days when she would wear bad boot cut jeans and all those "George Clinton" colorful extensions. I guess that had style classes at the rehab facility she attended? Hmmm...?

Mariah looked like she fell into a Cache sale bin. I just can't stress enough how fucking tacky she is. She needs a major change. She needs someone to perform a "fashion exorcism" on her closet. It seems that demonic fashion spirits have entered her life. She should really look into getting rid of that. So sad.

This fucking cougar Demi is not to be played with! She looked gorgeous. She is my best dressed pick of the night. The color was beautiful, and her hair and makeup complimented it. It looks as if bouncing on Ashton's young dick has really done her some good. He must have some youth serum in his semen. She hasn't aged a bit. (picks up phone to call Ashton)

Congratulations to Monique for winning Best Supporting Actress for 'Precious'--I guess. I'm not sure if she deserved to win it, but that's ok. Her character really wasn't far from how she acts in real life. The bitch is ghetto. Would anyone like to give me an Oscar for shopping and going out to dinner every night? That's what I do. It's not a stretch.

She looked like a stuffed whale in that dress. If you have that many rolls, you shouldn't wear a dress with ruching. Ummm, and what the fuck was up with the flower? Did Neicy Nash style her? She looked like a fat flamenco dancer.

I know there's a place for me in hell, there's no need to tell me...

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Can someone tell me why D'Angelo was arrested for soliciting oral sex from an undercover cop this past weekend in N.Y.? I need answers and I need them now. (waiting)

If he still looked like he looked in this picture, he wouldn't have any problem gettin that "Becky"! Hell, I would have pitched a tent and waited in line for a taste of that.

Now his ass is all fucked up fat, and I couldn't see it. I guess that's why he was trying to pay 4o dollars for some head. Poor D.

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I was on the train the other day, and saw this guy rocking THE absolute worse shoes ever. I can forgive most things, but bad shoes is not one of them. They were cheap and so not the right style for his big ass foot. Aldo shouldn't be your go to for kicks! You can skimp on clothes, but shoes not so much!

On Saturday I saw this guy on the train roll up the fattest blunt. There it is in his hand.

(Video soon to come)

I was in Urban Outfitter's the other day and say this junior gay sporting a pretty crazy get up. You can't really knock him for NOT having a look, he just needs to refine it. I get it, he's going for a whole hipster vibe, but something got lost in translation.

I was in the bookstore yesterday, and spotted famous abolitionist Frederick Douglas. What the fuck?

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If you haven't seen the video of fine ass Ocho Cinco running naked through the woods yet, here you go. I'm guessing it's for an upcoming commercial. If anyone finds the uncensored video without the blur, I swear I'll give you a hundred dollars. Why didn't God make me a bird in that forest that day? I wonder if they had fluffers on set? Now that's a job!