You guys know those days when you hardly wanna get out of bed? Taking a shower is definitely not high on my list of priorities today either. I feel SO Peggy Bundy today! I just wanna sit on the couch all day while eating bon bons and watching Lifetime. Don't look at me like that, only God himself can judge me.
This weekend was a pretty quiet one. It's raining perros y gatos in D.C., so it was "stay at home under the blanky" weather.
The literal calm before the storm was on Thursday. It was a beautiful day. I had no clue how warm it was, and ventured out in multiple layers. I only walked 5 blocks before I had to pop a U turn and head back home to change.
After my outfit change, I met up with friends. We went to Lauriol Plaza for eats and drinks! I normally ALWAYS get the same thing EVERY single time I go--a small house salad with no hearts of palm, no tomatoes, and no avocado, with the balsamic vinagrette instead of the house dressing, an order of Polla Asado but with the chicken breast instead of the boned dark meat, white rice with black beans, and of course a pitcher of swirl margarita. On Thursday I was feeling adventurous, something came over me. I wanted to try something different. I ordered the filet mignon and shrimp, both wrapped in bacon. Here is a before shot...
...and here's an after. That shit was good. Those little Blacks and Spaniards be cookin' their asses off back there. I fucked that food up, and I still have a 26 inch waist. It didn't move a bit, all is still in tact (wink)!
After Lauriol, we all ventured over to The Park on 14th for Happy Hour. If you haven't eaten at The Park yet, definitely check them out. Their food is beast! They have a wing and macaroni and cheese dish that will make you curse your mother out! It's so good.
So we know wherever there is good food, you will find some big ass bitches! This was a whole table of Gabourey Sidibe's! I'm not sure if anyone called ahead to warn the kitchen to stock up on food, because it looked like each chick had at least two entrees.
If the table of wide loads weren't enough, there were more at the bar. This big tittied bitch ordered hella food too. She ordered the wing entree, and had a loaded baked potato for dessert. I'm not even kidding you, she did.
After having a couple of drinks, and watching Rasputia suck the bone marrow out of the chicken wing bones, I headed home.
On Friday I worked. I had a horrible day. It was just too much to mention. I'm not even revisiting it. Let me just say that somebody was trying to fuck with my money, and I don't play that! On Friday after work, I stopped through Ruth's Chris and had a bite to eat and some drinks. Whenever you go o Ruth's Chris, trust that you'll see SOMEONE you know. There were many jokes there. After digesting it all, (the jokes, not the food), I headed home and crashed.
On Saturday I worked. It went by pretty fast, so I was alright with it.
Norman came out and met me after work so that we could see the new Lance Gross wedding movie. I warned him that the movie theater in Tysons 1 mall would be a cluster fuck, but we hoped that things would be different. They weren't! The ticket lines were long as hell! It looked like they were giving motherfuckers some free shit. How disappointed I was, I wanted to see Lance Gross naked. I'm sure he doesn't have a nude scene in the movie, but let me have my fantasy!
In lieu of a movie, we strolled through the mall. I saw about a million Coach wristlets, and just as many pairs of Ugg boots! I was about to lose my dinner! Just as I was about to upchuck, I saw...
Glamour shots? They still have fucking Glamour Shots? Do people really take these things? Really bad posed photography with hazy finishes? After seeing this, I really puked. I'm not kidding. Can someone get me back into the city PLEASE? I hate malls!
I rushed home to shower. I felt like I smelled like teenagers, and Auntie Annie's Pretzels!
On Sunday after work, I met up with a few cast members from 'The Housecunts of DC'. Do you even have to ask where we went? Lauriol Plaza maaaaannnn! We were celebrating Tamara's new job. This is her...
She thinks that she's cute, because she has "swimmer's hair". Tryna do me?
You guys should know Nikki by now. That's her trying a new red lip. I think it's kinda fetch!
That's my gorgeous stepsister Erika being molested by Nikki. She was feeling extra spicy with that red lip.
After dinner I ended up at a really bad place. Don't ask me how. There were gays there, and they were playing pool. I'm not sure if gays should play pool. It's enough that they can marry now, but pool? That's where I cross the line. Any activity that allows gays to bend over, you know they're ALL for it. Fucking bottom! After one drink, I was tired of looking at this queen's bung hole, we jetted!
Somehow I ended up at ANOTHER bad place, again filled with homosexuals. I left my "God Hates Fags" signs at home, but the disgust on my face said it all! lol... It was good to see some friends I hadn't seen in a while though. I couldn't leave until I heard "Say Ahhh" by Trey Songz, good thing they played it 20 minutes into me being there. As soon as the song ended, I made an exit--a fast exit complete with sunglasses and a toothpick in my mouth, Diddy style!
When I got home, I watched 'Kell on Earth', and 'Model City' on DVR until I fell asleep. Now, it's 2:00 p.m., and I'm still in bed. How long after being in bed does one get bed sores? I just wanna be sure...
So we all know by now that Andre Leon "hot ass mess" Talley will be one of the judges on this season's 'America's Next Top Model'. He was recently asked if Anna Wintour would be watching him on the show. He said that Anna "doesn't watch television". He went on to say that she she only watches tennis. Anna couldn't see watching Andre on that tired 'America's Next Top Model'. If she did though, I would love to hear her commentary on the girl's appearance, Tyra's forehead, Ms. Jay's nappy hair, and how sexy Nigel is. We all know that Anna would go in! She would read those girls worse than a queen, and all with a British accent. Somehow things just sound more proper with an accent. Instantly vulgar words like "cunt" and "cock" become chic when uttered with a British accent. I'm practicing mine now...
Pull out your sequins and lace front wigs girls, because living legend Diana Ross has announce that she is going on tour. Ross, 65 will kick off her tour on May 15th in Boston.
I hope she does a better job than Auntie Whitney? Diana never really sang much anyways, she just walked across the stage hunching her shoulders and smiling really big in over the top costumes.
All I know is that she's gonna need a really good hair (and when I say "hair", I mean wig) and make up team. Oh, and Oprah lighting... Good luck Mama Ross! Oh, and I hope she's stays off the bottle, you guys know how Mama Ross likes to blame it on the alcohol!
(puking) Adam "cock jockey" Lambert has just announce that he'll be doing a line of make up for men. The line will include eyeliner, mascaras, and even foundation. I'm so grossed out right now, I can't even tell you. Not really with guys wearing make up, but with Adam Lambert. He is literally THE absolute most annoying fag EVER. He's an attention craving fellatio fairy with bad "costumes" and greasy hair. Why do we care about him anymore? Because he kissed a guy on an award show? I've been frenching guys ever since grad school, what's the big deal? If things go as planned this sausage sucker will be in Vanilla Ice land in no time. He can't even be classified as a "one hit wonder", because he hasn't even had a hit! Ugggghhhhh!!!! Someone get this semen slurper away from me before I go ballistic! (hyperventilating)
Calvin Klein ads have definitely evolved from the days of Kate Moss and Marky Mark.
Today Mehcad "sex on a platter" Brooks is the new face (and when I say face, I mean dick) of Calvin Klein X underwear. The ads are hot, but the commercial is even hotter.
This is what it made me do. The power of advertising! I literally ran out and bought some. Watch the commercial below.
Caution to women: Video may bring a tingling sensation to your crotch. You have officially been warned!