And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., Slang-A-Lang, How Many Licks, Cheaters, Crush of the Week, and Packed Light?,

I must be feeling myself today, because I posted a whole bunch of shit, so let's get to it. I hope everyone had a fucked up weekend. Just kidding. Maybe?

My weekend was pretty low key. I had to start off slow after my slight depression last week. I didn't wanna go from 0-60 in such a short amount of time.

On Friday I worked. It wasn't so dreadful, and the time went by kinda quick. Norman came out to see me, and we jetted back into the city to meet my sweet friend Sydney that I hadn't seen in ages. We went to Bodega in Georgetown. I just love their tapas, they get my pussy wet.

After dinner we congregated on M st. to say our goodbyes. The streets were packed. There were lots of Black guys in bad jeans, and even more white girls in Lilly Pulitzer. Just as I was about to hand out citations for wackness, one of my favorites appeared.

My friend Yaz (her in the pic above, not the birth control). It was only 9 o'clock, and she had already been to a strip club for drinks. I love it.

After all the excitement, I headed home to get ready to go out. I had like 8 birthday parties to go to. Somehow I just couldn't get things together. I came up with outfits in my head, and then I would go to grab the pieces, and they just wouldn't look right?

Could I have gone to the club in Calvin Klein "X" underwear and a denim jacket? At midnite, that's what I had on standing in front of the mirror. I knew that it wasn't happening, so I called it a night.

I woke up on Saturday morning feeling rested. After all the sleep I got, I had no excuse to be an hour and a half late to work. The weather on Saturday was gorgeous, and I was itching to leave all day long. I had a dinner date with the "Housecunts" at Lauriol Plaza later in the evening. After work, I rushed home, and popped the tag on some new short shorts, and headed to meet the rest of the crew.

Re-occurring guest star Dwayne Brice...

I think Nikki was trying to attack me with her breast.

Of course we had to take editorial photos. I believe our inspiration here was "hot child in the city"?

My inspiration here was Kandi's single "I Fly Above". Oh, we did this in a packed restaurant by the way.

Everyone was at Lauriol on Saturday. When my brother Kenny arrived to meet us, he told me that my gorgeous sister's Darleata and Yaneek were downstairs. I had to go down to see them. On my way back up, I decided to take a bathroom break. This is what I saw...

This guy was barefoot at the sink staring at himself in the mirror. I'm telling you Son, those frozen margaritas will make your ass hallucinate if you're not a G. He was probably a newbie.

Before we left, we had to do shots...

"She don't believe in shootin' stars, she believe in shoes and cars..."

After all of the excitement at dinner, I was all ready to turn in. I went home and watched some bad reality tv on dvr. Within ten minutes, I was knocked out.

Yesterday I worked. My sweet lovely sugar pie Ky'Leigh called and asked if I wanted a drink. I don't think I answered her, because to me that's a rhetorical question. We ended up at SEI...

Home of the Asian Pear Sangria, and scene of the $480 bill crime (our bill last time we were there). I had lamb chops, and they were umm umm good! After dinner, I rushed home to catch VH-1's chitterling circuit of reality shows--Brandy and Ray J, Basketball Wives, and Chilli's show. Speaking of Chilli, I was watching last night and something isn't quite right? She just can't be that picky! I don't know about you guys, but I think she's a "Birkenstock wearer"--you know (whispers) a "pearl diver". She has to be a dyke? Why on earth would she turn down all of those fine ass men? Mark my word, next season it's gonna be the same show, but with women. POW!

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Dick Slang?

This video is all over the web now. It features 5 guys who made up a dance called the "Dick Slang"? I don't know what you guys think, but being in a room with 4 other guys while they swing their dicks is just a tad gay. I'm not saying I don't like it, I'm just saying it's gay. I'm hoping these guys are claiming to be straight, because my straight guy friends wouldn't DARE do this. This video looks like the beginning of a gay porno to me. I'd watch, but I'm just saying...

Anyways, watch the video and pay special attention to homeboy in the gray shorts. He has more meat than Oscar Meyers!

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Mariah and Nick

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon just celebrated their 2nd wedding anniversary. Nick got her this diamond replica of a ring pop. If they weren't ghetto enough, he had to go and get this? I swear to God, they're the new "Whitney and Bobby".

For real though, I didn't see them lasting two months. I guess Nick is giving Mariah that "Cannon"? He has to be, cause where did he get the money to buy that ring? He still can't be living off of 'Drumline'?

(talking through teeth) Congratulations Mariah and Nick...

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Cheaters

I'm so glad that you all have been liking my 'Cheaters' clips. It's pretty self-explanatory at this point. Add one country ass big tittied wife + a fat greasy ass cheating husband + a broke down stripper ho + a rowdy Lane Bryant wearing cousin = this clip. Enjoy.

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Crush of the Week: Brian Pumper

Brian Pumper is a pornographic actor and "rapper". 29 year old "Pumper" (I know that's not his government), began his career in adult films in 2001. In 2004 he was praised for some of his best work, and won an award for "Weapons of Ass Destruction 2". Besides having a body like a Greek god, he should have been the one to premiere the "Dick Slang" video. Talk about being hypnotized by the pendulum.

Catch Pumper in such classics as "2 Ho's and a Bro", "2 Pricks and a Chick", "Fuck This Face Then My Butt", and lastly "White Trash Whore 26".

Put the kids to bed, and watch some porn...(tilts head and smiles like stepford wife)

Crush of the Week: Brian Pumper

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Ms. Lagerfeld

On a recent trip to NYC, Karl Lagerfeld was spotted leaving his hotel. He was apparently only staying for a couple of days, and had this much luggage.

That queen had trunks for days. Kimora couldn't see battling his luggage game. You know what the funny thing is though? All of those trunks are filled with the same thing--black pants, white shirts, black ties, and finger less gloves. Oh, and don't forget the illegal doses of Viagra and Parisian gay porn.

A girl needs options!