And My Week Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., The Proof Is In The Pickle, Birth Control Lotion?, and "Do You Know Your Man?"

Nicki Roman's Revenge by kingkrool-1

Wow, what a fucking week? I'm so drained. I'm finally moved into my new place. While I absolutely adore it, there's so much that goes into a move. I was at my old place for 8 years. You guys know how much shit I had? Does anyone have the number to the 'Hoarders' show? I'm so not kidding. I'm gonna vow to not do that here at my new place (nose growing like Pinocchio).

Anyways, thanks to my friends, family, and loved ones who made my transition run more smoothly. Also, a special thanks goes out to Knaye West for the nude pics...

(courtesy of Media Takeout)

It looks just as I imagined. You guys know that I'm the 'Penis Whisperer'? By analyzing a man's body type, facial features, and characteristics of their personality, I'm usually ALWAYS right when it comes to how their penises look. I actually have girlfriend's call me or send me pictures of their men to get an analysis. Some of you girlfriend's are reading this now and now that it's true. If I tell you to run for the high heaven's, it's no bueno. If I tell you to pull out the pots and pans and cook that nigga a full course meal, bitch you better do it. It's just one of my many talents. Nice on Yeezy!

Last week was Housecunt Nikki aka "Big Meech", aka "Little Meech", aka "Medium Meech's" birthday. Big Meech and Wubby took us friends out to din din. We dined at SEI, and it was amazing. This bish think she got a donk!

Cute!

Cute, even though I had a camel toe...(shrugs)

There's my stepsis. You know her blazer game is ALWAYS on point. She has blazers for daaaayyyyyssss. She had on that Micheal Jackson 'Rock Wit You' joint last week. What will we ever do with her? So cute!

While the girls were off to Miami the next day to celebrate Nikki's Bday, I was in cardboard box hell!

Who needs this many ties?

I had everything all ready for the movers to come scoop up. I thought that the move would be pretty painless. First of all, they showed up an hour late. By the time they had arrived, I had already wheeled down half my boxes. Then after they got there they didn't know how to move anything. I had to actually tell one of them to move out of the way so that I could move my own fucking couch. I have no clue what was breezing through those vacuous tunnels they called brains? I did make sure to make them very uncomfortable though when I told them to be very careful with the heavy box marked "anal beads". It was only books, but I wanted to see them squirm. After nearly 3 hours and $400 later, I was moved in...

Of course the place isn't done, but I love it. I love my new neighborhood. It doesn't even feel like I'm in DC. I even attempted to make breakfast for myself on Saturday morning in my new kitchen...

Yum!

After breakfast, I went to see the movie about nigger women (shakes head), I meant 'For Colored Girls'. I loathe Tyler Perry films because of their blatant "blackness", but this film wasn't so bad. The only thing that rubbed me the wrong way was how the actresses recited the poems. They all sounded like slaves. Why can't poetry written by African American authors be read in a normal tone? I can't take it. The one thing I COULD take watching was all of the eye candy in the film.

We all know that Ms. Tyler Perry never disappoints when it comes to casting his male actors.

After being Black, I needed to see some White people, so I headed of to this fundraiser for Haiti. It was at a private residence in Dupont. This house was sick!

There's Billy drinking a beer in front of the telephone booth elevator in the house. The space also had a glass foyer with a pond underneath, a water wall, a heated rooftop pool, and an amazing rooftop office space. Someday...

After the fundraiser, Papa was hungry! We headed over to Lauriol for swirls and grub.

I ate until I was on the verge of projectile vomiting, then I stopped. It's always so damn good. After gorging myself, I had "the itis". I went home and dropped into bed.

I woke up yesterday morning and went to 8 am church service. I felt like I needed some God in me. Service was great and I headed back home. I was in the house allllll day long. i hardly got off my couch. I was even too lazy to order food, so I had leftover Halloween candy for dinner. I had it with a glass of wine, so it was nutritious (wine=fruit).

Today marks my first week in my new place. It means new beginnings--new energy--new business ventures. I'm so not carrying any old baggage. I left it all at my old place. Wish me luck bitches!

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'The Proof Is In The Pickle'

Dear Phaedra,

I've been biting my tongue all season, but I can't any longer. Instead of worrying about Cynthia living in a regentrification zone, or being concerned with Nene not being "lady like", perhaps we should discuss this...

You look like you moisturized your scalp with Miracle-Gro. Why do you have flowers growing out of your hair and shit? Oh, and the rhinestones over the eyelids have to go. Besides, who dances with that tired "stunt queen" Dwight at their baby shower.

Also, your man is a convict--a fine ass convict, but a convict nonetheless. So why do you act so holier than though again?

Looks like that man learned a thing or two in prison by the way Mrs. Parks. My straight male friends that I know don't even eat pickles or bananas. They call eating anything phallic "gay shit", but your man deep throated one on national television?

Lastly, how the hell don't you know your due date? It's ok that Apollo came home from prison and turkey basted you. You're "sanctified" as you call it, but had the nerve to walk down the aisle in a white dress while a fetus grew inside you? This explains why you're being induced to labor at 7 months (wink wink).

You try to be so posh, but you're nothing but a chitterling eating outhouse using cotton picking flower in the hair wearing ghetto mess. Thanks for listening, and get that gap closed hun!

Best,

Quincy Jones

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Ummm yeah, so now there's a "Birth Control lotion" now? Obviously you rub it on your skin, and it prevents pregnancy. The lotion was tested on women between the ages of 18-30, and none of the women who used the lotion ovulated. They claimed to have little to no side effects. I don't know if I believe that. A birth control lotion with no side effects? I swear there's gonna be babies born with feet growing out of where their ears should be. Wonder what would happen if I used the lotion? Anyways, don't through away your Magnum condoms, birth control pills, and Morning After routine quite yet because the lotion won't be on the market for another 5 years. I can hear you girls now, "Boy hold on while I put my lotion on, I ain't tryin' to get pregnant!" Classic!

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For those of you who saw 'For Colored Girls' this weekend, you saw Janet's husband twirl with other men. Ladies, it's real out here and that shit goes on everyday (I know first hand--wink).

Of course my girl Alexyss Tylor was talking about it way before the movie. Listen to her go off about DL men and how they in her words, "take dick all up in dey ass". You may need to put your earphones on at work for this one. It's funny, but true! Enjoy...