Built "Tom Ford" Tough
Recently Tom Ford went on record to say that he thought that fat women looked better nude. He says, "Fat women almost always look better without the constraint and lumpy pinching of clothes, all the straps and elastic squeezing and sucking. We are the only animal that wears clothes, and that can't just be because dogs can't do up buttons."
I don't know if I agree with my birthday friend Tom Ford on this one. I'm quite sure I don't wanna see a herd of naked fat women roaming the streets, but I will say that waistline challenged people definitely SHOULD NOT be wearing his clothes. All of the lumps and fat pockets distract from the beautiful lines of the clothing. We should be clothes hangers for these beautiful pieces of art! You could probably place that statement under the "Weightism" (Prejudice or discrimination against people based on weight) umbrella, but sorry. God invented moo moos for a reason.
Tom does no wrong in my eyes. He was chosen to curate this month's edition of French Vogue. If you haven't seen the spread, it's amazing. he always inspires. Did I mention that he's super fucking hot?
The Queen Of Soul
I know you guys were probably expecting a cruel segue from the fat story to Aretha, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The Queen has the "Big C" for heaven's sake. Pancreatic Cancer was the killer that took the lives of Patrick Swayze and Michael Landon, but hopefully the queen survives.
It has been reported that she underwent a very successful surgery. Her spirits are high, and has made a statement saying that "God is still in control".
I know I'll be praying for Ms. Franklin's speedy recovery. Get well soon!
This Is The Worst Christmas Ever!
It's the Holiday season, so I'm sure you're quite frustrated with crowded shopping malls and rude sales associates (big ups to Neiman Marcus). That frustration could cloud your head and distract you from buying the perfect gift for your loved one. Just make sure you don't end up gifting any of these. They'll have your friends and family shouting, "This is the worst Christmas ever!"
The chamber umbrella. It actually is a great idea. I sure have been in monsoon like rain storms, and standard umbrellas just didn't cut it. This would eliminate wet clothes, but I'm not sure you'd have a friend after you gave this as a Holiday gift. Test your luck if you want?
The Flatulence Blanket. It is supposed to counteract bed farting, and eliminate most of the odor associated with bed farting. Hmmm? Again, another gift I would never want to get from a friend. That's grounds for erasing your number from my mobile.
Handerpants. Underpants for your hands. They really serve no purpose, just underwear looking fingerless gloves. Ummm, don't tell anyone but I bought them.
Shoot me alright? I just wanted to see how they looked.
Kitty paw mops. I don't even have a cat, so I guess I'd have to either borrow one, or buy one of my own to use these? I'm sure the cat would probably make more mess than clean, but it sure as hell looks funny. Still, do no buy these for me though.
Stink Port. It's a chamber that you plug into your usb that emits a stinky scent every time you type a curse word. Don't even bother, because the shit would be empty fucking with me. See it would have gone off just then. Don't ask me how it works, but my house would be a gassy mess. If you're shopping for me this season, nothing says "I love you" more than cash. Oh, or Hermes.
DORA THE EXPLORER
Don't have me babysit, because this is the version of 'Dora The Explorer' that I'd have your kiddies watching. I'm so not joking. Enjoy.