"Goo-Goo Gaga", Lady Gaga, Louis Smith, and "Housecunt" Thursday--The "How You Doin" Edition...

"Goo-Goo Gaga"

Wow, Sandra Bullock has had a roller coaster year. First she wins an Academy Award, then she finds out that her husband was cheating on her with this...

...and now Sandra has revealed that she's a mother. Sandra and Mayor of "Doucheville", Jesse James, both adopted an African American baby boy back in January. The couple wanted to keep it a secret until after the Academy awards, but soon after, word of James' infidelity hit the fan.

Bullock is now in the process of filing for divorce, and also planning on asking for sole custody of little Louis (named after Louis Armstrong).

I'm so happy for Sandra, and I hope that everything works out for her. At least she has a baby to take care of to keep her mind off of the divorce madness.

Could I just say one thing about the PEOPLE magazine cover shot before I go? Sandra looks amazing, and the baby is adorable, but why did they have to drape those damn African beads around the baby's neck? The baby isn't African, that little pooper was born in New Orleans! I can see if they put Mardi Gras beads on him, but African? I don't know how I feel about that?

Anyways, kudos for Sandra for adopting here in the states. Lord knows why we go to Malawi to adopt when we have hundreds of thousands of kids here in America without homes? No offense Madonna and Angelina.

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Gaga

Check out the Esquire article written by Lady Gaga's friend Brendan Sullivan. Sullivan is a DJ who has been by Gaga's side ever since '96. He writes about her very interesting rise to fame. This chick was destined to be a star!

Read the entire article here...

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Louis Smith

Normally I'm not with that gay gymnast shit son, but Louis Smith is waaaaay to hot to trot. Smith recently took home the silver at the at the European Artistic Gymnastics Championships. Back in Beijing (the country, not the hair dye) 2008, the hottie was the first to became Britain's first individual Olympic medalist in 100 years and only the second black male gymnast to win an Olympic medal.

Oh, and then he has a body like this...

"Shorty sent a twit pic, said come and get this..."

Wow.

Nice form.

Excuse me, I'll be back (runs to take cold shower).

Congrats, Louis!

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"Housecunt" Thursday: The "How You Doin" Edition...

You all know my ace Nikki by now, she needs no introduction. As I type, she's in New York prepping to see the 'Wendy Williams Show'. Well, I'll just let her tell you...

It's me bitches! Darling Nikki aka Mean Girl aka "Miss I still have

my feet on the ground, I just rock Louboutins!" So did you miss me?

Of course you did! It's not polite to stare... Yes this lipstick is

ORANGE, and no I'm not wearing a bra!

I ran my ass out the house at 3:40

this morning to jump in the car with Erika to catch a 4 am train, and

didn't realize I had titties jumpin' everywhere! Oh well, these two monkies

won't stop my show!

So I'm on Amtrak headed to NYC...

jay z - Empire State Of Mind f.Alicia Keys by soundscreen

...to catch a taping of the Wendy Williams show with

fellow House Cunt Erika!

Talk about waking up with the chickens... I

thought I was gonna have to go postal on Erika for texting me 593,746

times before 3am, which is the reason I forgot my bra. But look at her ass, she sure does have on one. Those breast are stacked Son!

Speaking of House

Cunts, LuAnn (the whore of the NY Housewives) will be today's guest

along with Holly Robinson Peete. I wonder if "countless" LuAnn will

finally write a tell all about her sexcapades. Speaking of reality

shows let me go ahead and give you that southern Nikki G. tea!

Brandy and Ray J

Brandy & Ray J's show is only interesting because we can't figure out

how in the hell is Brandy one of the stars of the show, but her "best

friends" hair game is tighter than hers! Can someone please confiscate

all lace front wigs from that child? Her edges look like pubic

hairs! Beyonce should be the only person in the world allowed to wear

them. PERIOD.

Basketball Wives

Basketball "Wanna Be" Wives is just a train wreck that I love

watching! From staring at "Jabba Jaws" fuck up those ribs in Phillipe

Chow with those God awful dentures, to his insecure "Chanel bag"

carrying wife wearing them damn grey contacts!

Now I've worn a few contacts in my day, but I'll be damned if I sport those bitches on national

television. Where is a good friend when you need one? They need to bring

Rashidah Ali around more often to keep the bitches on their toes.

You never know what's gonna come out that broads mouth!

Tiny and Toya

Tiny & Toya is another must see show. It makes me like Tiny even more.

My tear ducts got a little moist when she sang with her father (even

though I stared at her lips the whole scene).

I'll tell you what, If her dad don't remember shit else, he has those songs stored in long term

memory! Y'all can say what you like about Tiny but she has the man and

the money. Fools even had me thinking "you can have whatever you

like" when I used my man's credit cards on SAKS.com (and I was later

cut off after he received the bill... still rocking my ish though)!

Housewives of New York

What about Bethenny snubbing Jill? That's what

that Fire Crotch gets! Bringin' her red headed step child ass

outside of M2 rocking that runway brown Herve Leger dress! Bethenny paid

her ass no mind! Who appointed Jill president of the wives? I

can already tell that I'm gonna love Sonja... She's a little cougar

(waving at Erika)!

And to close this shit out... Did y'all hear about Usher getting ol'

girl Grace Miguel knocked up? Ain't that bout a bitch? That negro

gives all women who want to date him hope! Usher loves

older women. I bet they keep a few bottles of KY Jelly in the night stand! Or maybe not, Grace might have that wet wet?

Follow me on Twitter everyday for more rude shit talking @hellonikki2010. Also, watch Wendy Williams today. You might just see? I'll be the one with the fresh roller set, and the vernis Alma. FUCK WIT IT!

Rhymes with "Duck" You Friday, Baby Got Caulk, and Gaga y El Telefono...

All me and my friends wanted to do last night was catch a couple of drinks for happy hour. I never signed up for all of this. I wasn't prepared for a nova check vest with a matching tie. I know his Black ass ain't Irish, so why the ghetto plaids? Was he trying to ruin my night? Actually, I believe he was aiming to ruin my life. If the plaid vest wasn't enough to make me lose my dinner, he was wearing dress "slacks" that looked like they were straight from The Men's Wearhouse! Of course we all know the shoe was bad too--a square toed atrocity of course!

Hey buddy, next time leave the golf vest at home you fake ass Tiger Woods. I'm sorry, I don't wanna do it, but I'm gonna have too...FUCK YOU! Fuck you for ghetto get up. Fuck you for your bad pleated dress pants. Fuck you for ruining my night! Fuck you...

(deep breath) Alright, I'm done now...

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You all know how everyone wants the perfect butt these days? For some women, it's their money maker. Why should you work when you have a fat ass? The right backside can mesmerize a man. Next thing you know you're not working the drive thru window at Dairy Queen anymore, you've been upgraded. You can't even pronounce "Givenchy", but you're wearing it.

This is why women are going through such lengths for the perfect butt. It seems that women in New Jersey were going to a witch doctor to be injected with bathroom caulk in their bums. Who could ever think this was a good idea? I guess when you're desperate, you'll do anything! Check out the video here... What a damn shame!

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(drumroll) So yesterday marked the premier of the Gaga "Telephone" video ft. Beyonce. The video is amazing. The imagery is sick, and the fashions take my breath away! I love Beyonce, but in my opinion, she got lost in the video. Lady Gaga in all of her "avant gardeness", overshadowed Beyonce. B always tries to play it safe. This was her time to break free. You're in video with Lady Gaga for goodness sake. If I were her, I'd be in a Swarovski crystal encrusted cropped denim jacket with a no top and bandaids as pasties, crotchless booty shorts, thigh high boots, and a real boa constrictor wrapped around my head like a turban! Thank God Gaga gave me what I needed. Oh, and one more thing before I let you go. Tyrese as the lead man in the video? The last thing that Tyrese did that I liked was the Coca Cola video when he was on the bus, and that was 1994. I won't question Gaga's decision to use him though. WWGGD? (What would Gaga do?)

Enjoy all 9 minutes of the video...

And My Weekend Went A Lil Sumthin' Like This..., Oprah vs. Sarah, 'Take Me Down', and Gaga vs. B...

I swear you all are so fucking stupid! You all will never amount to ANYTHING! You are all big huge sacks of shit, and will never ever be anything in life! You will (shakes head)... Oh my God, I'm so sorry guys. I guess going to see 'Precious' has affected me in some way? Ever since Thursday night/Friday morning (12:o1 am show), I have been channeling Monique's character. It's fun, you guys should try it! Maybe while the cashier is checking out your groceries at the grocery store get really close into the cashier's face and say, "You worthless piece of shit, you will never be anything but a low class grocery cashier!", and see what happens. Either you'll get your ass kicked or the cashier will get life and invite you out later for a drink. I know I wouldn't be mad.

Anyways, the movie was amazing. If you're any type of an emotional person, you're gonna want to bring some tissues and maybe a Xanax to the theatre. It's a lot to deal with. I have a heart of steal, and I even felt for the main character Precious who was played by new actress Gabourey Sidibe. If anything, I would pay another $10 to see Monique's fat ass run that flight of stairs.

On Friday I was exhausted at work, and I didn't get off until 9. After work I went to meet my friends (aka 'The Real Housecunts of DC') for drinks and a bite to eat at Oceanaire.

It started out really cute and calm at the bar...

...and then a little more rowdy at the table, but still PG-13

...and then it got all sorts of crazy! Somehow myself and Jonathan ended up in the bathroom to participate in our infamous editorial bathroom photoshoot? This is a picture of us throwing up gang signs. The rest of the pictures are not to be published online, because I may want to run for public office one day (blank stare). Long story short, our little photoshoot was put to an end by a really grumpy old man that looked like Santa Claus' cousin. He pushes open the door to the bathroom and says in a stern voice, "Hey, this is not a club! You guys have to pay your bill! Anymore guys in here?" He only saw Jonathan, because Nikki and I were skinny enough to hide behind the door. I couldn't see going back there. We go there all the time! He owes us all separate apologies, gift cards for free meals, a weekend's stay in New York at the Waldorf Astoria, a pair each of those feather Louboutins that Kim from RHOA wore to her birthday party (Hi Kim), something special from Van Cleef, and perhaps something from one of my favorite Milanese goldsmiths Buccellati. I'm not kidding! If all of those demands aren't met, I couldn't see going there again!

After dinner, I wanted to go home. I had to work the next morning at 9, and it was already past midnite. Once again, somehow someway I was conjured into going here...

Yes, again, fuckin' around with that goddamn queen Jonathan. It's all his fault J! We had never taken the girls there so why not? There were a couple of new "dancers", and the girls got their life. At one point, we didn't know which way to go. It's like we were playing dick tennis. Our heads kept swaying from side to side in hopes that we didn't miss anything. After seeing more swinging nuts than I'd ever seen in my life we headed home.

My ass was dead tired at work the next day, but it seemed to go by quickly. I rushed home and snuggled into bed. After a disco nap, I decided that I need some alcohol. Normie and I met Joey at EFN lounge which is right round the corner from my house--how convenient! The club was crowded, but not overly packed. Upon arrival I ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a while. I honestly didn't recognize him, because his ass has gained some major weight SON! That motherfucker needs to call 'The Biggest Loser' and see if he can get on. He has never really had a wonderful figure like mine (gag), but he was never borderline obese? I immediately told Norman that if I ever got that big to lethally inject me. I just wanna be dead, I'm not kidding. I've had this waist line ever since my pre-teen years, and by dammit if I ever lose it! I work hard by eating ALL of the wrong foods and never exercising to maintain my 26 inch waist!

After I saw that atrocity, I needed to head to the restroom to freshen up (even though I had just walked in)...

I had a photo shoot of my own in the bathroom. I guess I was in there for a while, because people were pounding on the door. I couldn't see answering it, I was practicing smiling with my eyes, and I was getting into my hair--it looked good on Saturday.

After my bathroom time, I drank a lil bit, danced a lil bit, laughed at late queens a lotta bit, and enjoyed the company of my friends. I looked at the time on my phone and realized that the lights would come up in minutes. I literally ran for the door, I'm not kidding. I couldn't see being in a club when the lights come up, it makes you look so thirsty (thirsty=pressed=lame).

After my quick exit, I hit it home. I got to say good night to my sweet BF, and all was right with the world.

Yesterday work wasn't so dreadful. I mean don't get me wrong I still hate it, and one of you guys out there needs to offer me an amazing position or else I'm gonna start robbing people. I come from a privileged family, have had a Christian upbringing, and I've attended great schools, but I swear I'm about to get hood on all of yall's asses. I'm ready to make some A-Rab money bitches! Now who's in with me? (in Diddy voice) Let's go...

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Oprah vs. Sarah

So, I hope you guys set the DVR to record Oprah today. The interview with Sarah "I have no fucking clue what I'm ever talking about" Palin is on today. I just want Oprah to slay her and call her all types of "dumb bitches". Maybe they will even resort to hair pulling and throw Louboutins at each other (Well, Oprah throw Louboutins at her, and Sarah throwing BCBG girls at her). I have no idea how I will put up with listening to a whole hour of Palin's voice, but I'll try. I'm sure this will probably be a better than the Pacquiao vs. Cotto fight. We all know that Oprah will keep it classy, but I just want her to roll her eyes at least one time and say, "Bitch Please!" I'd die!

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Mr. Chris "I beat the shit out of Rihanna, and now I'm back with a new CD coming out called 'Graffiti'" Brown was on Wendy Williams last week. I'm so sorry, but he looked really good. No bull, I can see why Rihanna kept going back and boxing with Chris Brown. Just merely based on how he looked on Wendy Williams on Friday, I would go a couple of Ultimate Fighting Championship rounds with him.

I'm glad to see he's easing his way back into the media by doing the "chitterling circuit" talk shows like Wendy Williams and Monique before he tackles the big ones like Oprah (even though she won't have him on). He's gauging his audience to see where he fits. Just as long as he realizes what he did, and is remorseful, he's alright with me. We all make mistakes, his were just publicly blasted all over the media. Support my boy Chris, he is still an amazing entertainer...and Fiiiiinnnneee!

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Here are a couple of still shots from those two fags Beyonce and Lady Gaga's new video 'Video Phone' remix. It looks like it'll be pretty hot. I'm sure they will turn it! I'm on pins and needles, but until then I have Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' video to tide me over. Did anyone see here walking for blood in those 10 inch McQueen booties? OMG, call the nurse in because I DIE!!!!!!!

Happy Monday Fuckers!