Im In Love With A Stripper...

It's 2:39 a.m, and I'm just back from watching the strippers get it in at LIV on U St.  Please remember to tip them, they are regular people just like us.  Who cares if they like to pour milk down the crack of their asses, or simulate oral sex on  crowd participants?  They have normal day jobs like us...They are plumbers, and interior decorators, and ministers, and pediatricians...!  So tip them damnit!  I know I couldn't have shaken my ass like that and gotten up for work, or could I...? I would actually consider a profession in stripping, but the only thing that concerns me is the really tacky costumes.  To date, I've never seen a stripper in vintage Dior, or current season McQueen?  The second Karl Largerfeld finds his inspiration at Body Tap, count me in...Im going to dance for blooood, cause my outfit is going to be so over!!!!!!   

Can anybody tell me how I'm going to get up for work?  Sponsors please call 202-615-....!  Big up Hadi, Howard, and Elias...!

Awww Skeet Skeet Muthafucka...

I mean, should safe sex campaigns start to mention something about proper disposal of condoms?  While walking around near Metro Center the other day, I nearly almost stepped on this used jimmy.  Im so ecstatic that whoever participated in public outdoor sex cared to be safe, but was it too much to ask to discard of it properly?  And, why didn't whoever used this "go green", and wash it out and re-use it? (Im so kidding right now...Please don't do that!!!!)   So, people watch where you walk around the city.  No one needs jizz on their pumps, well unless you're into that...

Please Don't Stop The Music...

Thank God some straight men just get it.  Take a tip from my brother and accessorize, It can only help...

Supersoak That Ho...

I know that The District of Columbia has it's faults, but for the most part we live in an amazing city.  The Monument, the National Mall, and the countless parks and museums all add to why millions of tourist are drawn to our city every year.  Im also quite sure that we are the first U.S. city to erect a monument of an important figure doing the "Soulja Boy" dance.  

What the Fuck? 

Crush of the Week: Nelly

Ladies, you all know that man you've sworn to secrecy from telling a single soul the freaky shit you let him do.  Under any other circumstances you wouldn't have even considered, but he was sexy as hell.  Who cares if he wanted to stick his penis in your ear, while you balanced on one leg, as you read 'Charlotte's Web', while holding a pineapple in your left hand? If that got him off, so be it.  Ladies and gents, Nelly, the man I would do all of that for. 

Every since "Country Grammar", Nelly has kicked out hit after hit.  His new single "Party People" ft. Fergie, from his upcoming album 'Brass Knuckles' is definitely a club banger.  See more of shirtless Nelly in the video for "Party People".  Enjoy!

photo: Media Take Out

Where's My Coursage Bitch!

Can you all believe it's prom season again?  It's that special time of year when teenage boys and gals get all dressed up in their finest.  Parents and family members mock the paparazzi to capture those special moments on film.  All the girls are excited to visit their local hairdresser to get the latest up-do.  Some may even adorn their hair with fresh flowers to match their dresses and dyed to match pumps.  Guys anxiously await heading to the mall to reserve the finest polyester tuxedo that money can rent.   

Once at prom, couples stroll around sweaty palm to palm.  The d.j. plays something slow from Chris Brown, as the crowd sways from side to side.  What a wonderful night?  

When prom is over, back seats double as the Motel 6.  Girls are cajoled into performing fellatio, car windows are steamed, and V-cards are given away.   This is also the night when girls who actually vow to keep their "virginity" let guys do anal, and they believe deep down in their hearts that they're still "untouched".  

Wow, so much has changed since high school.  Now it's not prom we're getting dressed up for, its the club.  We don't need back seats, we have our own apartments.  And guys don't have to trick us into fellatio, we just offer it up because we believe "he's the one".  We really think a quick blow job will push him into a swift proposal.  Take me back to the days when blow-jobs and back seat sex had some innocence.  Hook-ups had no hidden agenda.  Fuck, I'm almost 30!

Ummm.....?

Check out the video to the left first.  Is it me, or am I the only one that believes they aren't going anywhere?  I was headed home from work on Saturday, and saw this site.  It doesn't really help either that they're both wasted.  Did anyone catch the beer?  By the way, the car was in the same spot yesterday, and it's still there today.  I know this is really gonna sound mean, but should I call immigration?  Let me know if anyone has that number handy?  Thanks.

Perm Alert...

Please keep in mind that as a black woman there are certain things you must do to maintain.  I know it sucks, and no black woman wants to do it, but unless you are going natural you need a relaxer.  Somebody please tell Zoe Kravitz's black ass to get a perm.  She doesn't have the luxury to wake up and go (Hi Viva).  You know she can afford a silk scarf to wrap her head at night before bed, if not I have plenty to give her.  Hair products that all black girls should have in their bathroom: 

. An Emergency Perm:  You never know when those kitchens will start to act up.

. Jam:  You know for those problem sides, and your baby hair.

. Brown Gel:  If there is no Jam, that good ol' beauty supply $1 brown gel will do.

. Silk Scarf:  You better get to wrapping before bed!

. Satin Pillowcase:  Just in case you don't have time to wrap.

. Flat iron:  Anything but a Golden Hot, it will burn your shit out!

Black Bitches Rock!  Tomorrow is for my white girls...

Congratulations, You're Still In The Running...

Bret, congratulations!  You're still in the running  towards becoming "America's Next Top Reality Dating Show Washed-Up Douche Bag Fucker Bitch".  Would Flav and Tila please step forward?  I have one condom in my hand, and this condom represents the douche bag that is still in the running towards becoming "America's Next Top Reality Dating Show Washed-Up Douche Bag Fucker Bitch".  I will only call one name.  The name of the ass hole that I do not call, must immediately fall off the face of this earth, and never return!

Flav, the judges are concerned that you may never find love.  You're damn near 60, and this is your 3rd season.  While the judges adore you banging all of the chicks in the house, they still question your continued use of  pimp cups.  Tila, your circa 2005 streaky highlights are amazing, but the judges ask, "Is she only a great rack in 'Forever 21' going out tops?"  

Who do we choose, the black ass cicada looking m@ther f$cker with loads of personality, or the bisexual Asian ho with too much blush?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Tila, the judges see something really trashy in you, don't let them down.  Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming "America's Next Top Reality Dating Show Washed- Up Douche Bag Fucker Bitch."

Only a Couple of Drinks...

Bethany, we all know that job on "the hill" can be so stressful at times.  Sometimes, you just need a release.  When that total hottie Jim from upstairs in market research asks you out for happy hour cocktails, you acquiesce.  Jim makes a pinky swear promise that he'll have you home by 9:30.  Next thing you know, you're puking up the big slice you just chomped down.  It's now 3:30 in the morning, and Jim is nowhere to be found.  You're stumbling around Adam's Morgan in an Ann Taylor Loft business suit, sensible work heels, and a Cole Hahn tote?  In extremely slurred speech you scream, "Which fucking way is Clarendon?  How the fuck do I get back to Clar-en-don?"  No one hears you Bethany, because they're all drunk too!  "I swear on Monday that fucking Jim is gonna get it...!"

Crush of the Week: Stacey Dash

I don't believe this bitch is real.  She's 42 years old, and looks like this?  I've loved Stacey Dash ever since "Clueless".  I loved her even more when she twirled the shit out of Kanye's video.  Check her out in the June issue of King Magazine.  Get into her, She's the ruler!