Upset, Confused, and Happy...

Aaliyah - If Your Girl Only Knew (Rare Soul Remix) by wildpitch

UPSET...

Hey guys, I've just been so upset for the last few days. As we all know Sunday was the final episode of Atlanta Housewives Season 3. It was the highest rated season in 'Housewives' history.

I'm sure the high ratings had a little something to do with NeNe and her fights with Dwight, Greg, Kim, Peter, and hell everyone! I think there was even a scene where she fought with Phaedra's baby? The show is definitely a train wreck, but what do I have to live for now?

Then if the season ending of ATL Housewives wasn't enough to send me into convulsions, this is coming out...

A Justin Beiber movie? Who the fuck wants to see a Justin Beiber movie? Oh my God, I can't take it, I swear I'm gonna scream. And then I'm believing it's in 3-D? I seriously am breaking out in hives right now just talking about it. Normally I'm all for teenage girl masturbation material movies, but this one is just vile.

Someone stop me if I'm going too far, but I give Justin Beiber about 5 years before he comes out and goes all "Raz-B" on Usher....lol. That's his pimp! If ANY of you reading this goes to see this movie, there will be hell to pay from me. Hell I say!

_________________________________________________

CONFUSED...

I was flipping through the channels the other day and stopped on 'Celebrity Rehab' on Vh-1. Upon watching for a mere 2 minutes, I was so confused. First of all, Is she a celebrity?

Second of all, some people just shouldn't be saved. Frankie was born to be one of those raging alcoholic druggie lunatics. It was her path from birth. Why should we interfere? Sending Frankie to rehab just fucks with the universe. Let her be. She belongs in an alley somewhere free basing, eating fried chicken out of a big cardboard tub, and dancing to old school rap. Anyone who believes otherwise is wrong! Some human beings sole purpose on earth is to be a court jester. She's funny. Probably not as funny sober, so let her be dammit!

Holllllllaaaaaaa!

I was so confused when I heard that Rick Ross and friends apparently spent 1 million dollars at a strip club for his birthday? I'm so glad I stole his cd off Limewire. I couldn't see giving him my 10$. So he could blow it in the club? If he can piss away a mil in the trap, then he is better off than I am.

As a matter of fact, there was one song that I couldn't find on Limewire, and I had to actually pay for from iTunes, where can I write to get that back? I'm so not kidding. Not for anything people, it's Black History Month, could we not act so nigger-like this month at least? OMG...(holds head).

I'm so confused. Don't you have to be divorced before you can get married again? Kelsey Grammer couldn't see waiting! He's apparently getting married on Feb. 25 at the Plaza in NY. His soon to be ex wife "Crazy Camille" is asking for a 50 million dollar settlement, and I believe she deserves every bit of it. As weird as she may be, she stood by his side for 13 years, raised their family, tickled his old wrinkled saggy milky white nut sack when I'm sure she didn't want to, and he up and leaves her without notice? Take him to the cleaners Camille!

________________________________________________________

HAPPY...

Rihanna premiered her video for S&M the other day, and I absolutely love it. I'm so happy for her and all of her success. See, there was life after that ass whoopin' Chris Brown put on that ass!

...and I'm out like Mubarak.

"You Must Don't Know Bout Me...?", Wax On--Wax Off, and The Bitch Set Me Up!

Today Beyonce's "Irrepaceable" is very fitting...

(deep breath) This is simply a PSA for all my readers, so sit down and listen dammit. Today I'm urging you to listen to the voice in the back of your head while you're in a relationship. So many times we hear a voice say, "get the fuck out", but you ignore it. We have many reasons why we do...(A) The person you're in a relationship asks you to stay (B) You wanna stay because of the "L" word (love, not lesbian) (C) You're afraid of being by yourself (D) You invested time into it, and you don't wanna feel like you're "wasting" time (E) The sex is good (F) You're being supported financially (G) You guys live together (H) They "seem" like a nice person (I) You don't feel like looking for another mate, and say "fuck it".

I literally could go on and on. I'm telling you now get the fuck out! Especially when ALL of my readers are exceptional people, and we normally end up compromising our list of requirements for a mate, and end the end you wanna what? Beyonce says in the song that, "I can have another you in a minute." How about I ALREADY had another you. Many of the people we tend to "settle" with don't even deserve to wash our laundry, and we know that after the first month, but tend to put that voice in our head on mute. Take it off mute people--LISTEN. Trust me, it i'll be a lot better in the end.

Mother fuckers these days not only have a clue of who they are or what they want, but even scarier, they tend to tell you what they feel you wanna hear. Beware of these psychopaths walking around disguised as nice men. They buy you drinks, tell you you're beautiful, open the door for you, but all the while are plotting to fuck your homegirl. Mind you, your homegirl is nice, but looks like she was hit in the face with a pillowcase of quarters. It makes no difference to these "psychopaths", because it's not about the person or their looks--it's just another hole to screw.

Don't settle. Play the field. Be Smart. Protect your assets (lesson from yesterday). Please, you must don't know 'bout me... (deep breath)

Speaking of pretty girls that were wronged...

Wax museum Madame Tussauds will be unveiling a figure of pop star Rihanna today. The statue of Rihanna will be wearing an outfit from the singers own closet consisting of a black lace corset, black fitted jacket, black skinny pants and black silk heels.

It's so not funny, but if I were Rihanna, I would want my wax figure to look like the picture from the infamous night...

I would so do it if I were her. Can you imagine the kids crying and running away from it? How about the Japanese tourist with their fanny packs smiling and giving the peace sign in front of it? It's something so dark and wrong about it, that makes it right. Oh shut up, have a sense of humor!

Talking about humorous...

Paris Hilton was arrested this past weekend for having cocaine in her purse. She says it's not hers (crickets). She says that someone "set her up" That's like someone coming into my house and seeing all my shoes, that are my size nonetheless, and me saying they're not mine?

Paris just needs to own up to skiing, and go back to the slammer again.

In the words of Marion Barry circa 1990, "Bitch set me up . . . . I shouldn't have come up here . . . goddamn bitch!" The only thing different in the Paris situation, is that at least we don't have her on tape taking swigs from a crack pipe. Well, at least not yet. Good one Paris!

Prince-1 Rihanna-0, Battle of "Stankdom", and Damn Dwight!

I just knew this day would come! Rihanna and Prince The Purple One No Name (insert Prince "Ooooaaappp" sound here) at the same venue battling it out for fashion's sake. The two were spotted at the Chanel runway show in Paris yesterday. While Rihanna looked absolutely stunning in her get up, Prince seemed to take the title with a custom made Chanel outfit with a matching pump (was it a dyeable?). I'm sorry but, how does a self proclaimed straight man look more cunt than the cunt. Prince is the beatest man in a pump ever! I get so much life that I die!

I love you Ri-Ri, but Prince's perm is also beater! Prince slayed the competition hands down (rings bell and walks off stage)...

________________________________________________

Amber Rose and CoCo T were at the "Good Hair" premiere battling the other night as well. While they weren't battling fashions, they were battling camel toes and yeast infections. I live for the both of them, because they just don't give a fuck! They look so beat and stank at the same time. I feel like I wanna applaud and then throw tomatoes at them! I love/hate the stank look! It's so gross that is did a 360 degree turn, and it's back to being over! OOC!

_________________________________________

Athletes are taking it all off for ESPN's 'Body Issue' and I'm glad they are. We all know how I feel about Dwight Howard (TOTALLY HOMO), and he looks like someone dipped him in chocolate, let it dry, and then sprayed his ass down with PAM non stick butter spray. Other athletes posed, but I really don't care much about him. Dwight Howard is dreamy ( gazing longingly into sky)...

Auntie Whitney, Where Did Everyone Go?, Walk For Me, and Daaaaaaammmnnnn!

So, the highly anticipated part 2 of the Oprah/Whitney interview aired yesterday. It gave me everything I needed. Whitney looked amazing. Her dress was appropriate, and her legs were glossed for the Gods! Auntie Whitney spilled tea like no other, and Oprah was there with a roll of Bounty soaking it up! Oprah asked Whitney at one point if Bobby had ever hit her. Whitney said, "I was raised with two boys and I’ll fight you back. He slapped me once but I hit him over the head three times.” Don't fuck with Auntie Whitney, she don't play. She even said that she fucked him up one time. Oprah asked if there was blood. In her raspy voice she responded, "Yes". My other standout in the interview was when Oprah acted as if she couldn't get how Auntie Whit was getting high. Whitney told Oprah to "Stay with her", and said,"You put your marijuana, you lace it, you roll it up and you smoke it,”! Whaaaaaaaaatttttt? I damn near lost it. The only thing I was waiting for was Oprah to pull out some weed and cocaine, and ask her to demonstrate exactly how she did it. Now that's "Must see TV"! At the end of yesterday's interview Oprah asked if she was scared what Bobby would think, and Whitney gave Oprah the Sheree (ATL Housewives) "Who gon check me boo" face. I live!

Can ya'll tell me one thing though? Why did Oprah have to sit like that with her foot strategically placed so we could see her fresh red bottoms the WHOLE interview? We know you have Louboutin's for days Oprah, but you didn't have to slay us like that. At the end of the show, Whitney sang...(crickets)

Anyways, I hear Whitney's CD is good, but I couldn't see buying it--I'm broke. I would find coins somewhere to buy the 'Being Bobby Brown' DVD though. Now that's entertainment. (singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody', and dancing around like Taylor Swift)...

________________________________________________

From Rihanna to Lady Gaga, it seems that it's chic to not see. Rihanna was pictured last week at the Guisseppe store in NY with these studded glasses on. I know the bitch couldn't see shit.

On Sunday, Lady Gaga accepted her speech in this lace number. She needed help onstage. Before she finished her acceptance she had to rip the lace from her face. Is it the rage to impair your vision in the name of fashion (scrambling to find studded glasses and lace)? I get life from ANYONE who needs help walking because their fashions won't allow them to either see or move freely. I would LOVE to wear the beatest outfit, and have someone roll me around on a hospital gurney! I die! Big ups (i'm bringing that saying back from earlier in the decade) to Rihanna and Lady Gaga for expressing themselves through fashion. If I had the beat coin, they would never want to see me though. I would battle them for BLOOD! I would wear crotchless pants with swarvorski encrusted Pringle's cans to cover my penis, no shirt with a chinchilla bow tie, a Van Cleef and Arpel's noose around my neck, and Cartier LOVE bracelets around my ankles. Fuck with it!

_______________________________________________

Fuck with this as well...My sweet child Brandon Parker (FORD Models) walking for blood in the Tahari show in NY for Fashion week. I'm so proud of him. I told you Brando that we are gonna party DOWN when you get your first billboard in Times Square. I feel it coming!

____________________________________________________

I was strolling into my building the other day, and look what I saw. The policeman were patrolling, and their horses stopped to take a HUGE shit right in front of my house. This motherfucker needed some Immodium or what's the pink stuff? It smelled like shit (because it was shit), and it was right in the middle of the road, so cars kept rolling over it. Someone get this horse to a bidet!

Happy Wednesday!

Uggggghhhhhh?????, What A Bad Little Girl She Is, Dikes on a Train Part Deux, and Throw On A Suit And Get It Tapered Up...

I'm not sure if anyone saw 'Tiny and Toya' last night, hopefully you didn't--but... Anyways, Tiny is T.I.'s longtime girlfriend, while Toya is Lil' Wayne's Ex wife. I honestly don't care about these tramps. Tiny looks like hers parents are cousins, and I can't (over)stand what either of them are saying. Don't get me wrong, I think a southern drawl is super sexy, but the two of them sound like runaway slaves. From the looks of BET's Fall line up, they might as well just call it quits. Why don't they give my ass a show, now that would be good TV?

____________________________________________________

This nasty cunt hit the streets of New York the other night looking like someone dipped her in platinum. She is so icy! I'm about to go on record now and make a formal statement. (Approaching the podium, and adjusting the mic) Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, I would just like to say that there is NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE that is consistently killing the fashion game like Rihanna. I will have to say that I have NEVER seen her look bad. If I were a certain "Bad Bitch in the Game", I would be ashamed of myself. Rihanna slays and that's that (stepping down from podium, reporters asking additional questions--me ignoring them). The only cunt that even comes close is Amber Rose. I love that she takes chances, and does something different. Still Ri-Ri leave her ass in the dust. I would like to see them both have a "Drag Off", and just change outfits for hours trying to out style each other. Hello? Can we get a reality show of that?

Fucking priceless...

________________________________________________

The shocking sequel to Snakes On A Plane is coming to a theatre near you, 'Dykes On A Train'. I love a good dyke now, but Ed Hardy and Nike boots? I don't care if you're the trade, that just gets my blood boiling. The good thing though is that she looked like she was packing more than my man. She pimped onto the train and started to kick game to a girl who was sitting behind him (her). I was confused and scared. Ed Hardy prints always do that to me. It's kind of like going to a concert with strobe lights if you have a pacemaker--not good...

__________________________________________

Here are a couple of my standouts from Men's Fashion Week. Get in...

Etro What?

Fucking Ferragamo has been KILLING it. Massimiliano Giornetti (say it 3 times with a dick in your mouth) is not playing with our ass. The cuts are amazing, and check out his color palette...

Wow!

Mr. Helbers served us over at Louis Vuitton yet again....

Jigga what? Look at those pants!