Weekend Wrap-Up, Blood On The Dance floor, Community Service, and I'm Not A Stalker, Really...

What's good peeps, I'm hoping that everyone had a horrible weekend (kidding).  Anyways, Friday I worked early and hit it home to catch a disco nap.  I had made plans to go to a D.C. Police "Happy Hour" party (don't ask).  The party was at some place that looked like Mel's Diner downstairs and my uncles basement upstairs.  In order for me to stay, I had to drink heavily, so Patron it was.  

That's Lucy and Tamika, don't they look like they're talking about somebody?  So after the police party, I told my brother Borzou that I would meet up with them at Jimmy Valentine's.  Jimmy's is a seedy dive bar in the hood.  So add goth night to seedy dive bar in the hood.  I personally love creepy dive bars.  I like dirty boys with tattoos, and that's where they normally frequent.  By the time we left Jimmy's, we were all pretty done (besides Norman).  It was all cute until I remembered that I had to work in the morning, and that it was already morning.  Needless to say, my ass was late as hell.  I didn't miss much at all.  I was a walking zombie all day.  I even passed out on the couch in the employee lounge for an hour like the town drunk.  When I finally got off, I rushed home to sleep.  I woke up at 12:00 a.m., ordered a pizza and devoured it.  I fell back off to sleep without missing a beat.  I felt like a new woman when I woke up on Sunday.  

Yesterday at work was a show.  I nailed myself to my floor and literally wouldn't leave until I sold something.  I ended up having a pretty good day, and made it home to rest my barking dogs.  Now I'm lying in bed blogging, full off of 2 Chik-fil-A sandwiches waiting for my face to start falling off from the chemical peel I just had.  Happy Monday fuckers!

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These are some pictures that I found online.  They were taken at a club in D.C. on U St.  Ummm, somebody break out the Valtrex.  Doesn't this just look like a hot steamy funky ass mess.  I mean her feet are nowhere near touching the ground.  Is this really dancing, or is it a fuck simulation?  Don't get me wrong, I've been known to back it up on a couple of trade in my day, but not like this.  The girls might as well cut holes in the crotches of their jeans and just go all the way.  Now they wanna give Morning After Pills to teens without a prescription?  These girls are gonna be poppin' them like skittles with their fast ass asses.  And then they wanna get mad when a dude calls them a ho?  

It's not very lady-like, now is it..?  I bet their private parts smell like brillo pads and corn chips.  They need to douche with liquid Draino.  How dreadful!

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The other day I was walking around downtown doing errands and caught out this beat ass trade doing his community service.  I wanted to tell him to call me when he got off (I'm kidding again--kinda).  Anyways, what do you think he did?  I'm thinking his girlfriend Keyoshanda came out of her mouth with something smart, and he Chris Browned her ass.  It was his first domestic violence charge (in D.C.), so they gave him a big fine, and community service.  

The beatest community service conjure was Naomi Campbell.  That fem dike queen faggy showed up everyday in a different pump, and had the nerve to leave her last day in a Dolce runway gown.  How homosexual is she?  I live!

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Have you guys heard about 'Dancing With The Stars' Shawn Johnson's stalker.  A 34 year old Florida man was arrested after climbing a fence where the Olympic Gold medalist was taping the show.  Apparently, police seized a loaded shotgun and handgun, duct tape, maps, and love letter addressed to Johnson.  

Have you all stalked before?  Don't lie.  I'm not afraid to say that I have.  When you get that good shit, It will make you loose your mind, have you searching for niggas in the day with a flashlight.  The police would have found worse than that in my car.  They would have found drag for days (tennis shoes, sunglasses, belts), 3 boxes of Colgate toothpaste, a half empty bottle of Love in Black, a couple of broken PEZ dispensers, a scratched Noah's Arc DVD, a slingshot, some EK glasses, loose Milk Duds, transcripts from the Oprah show, a coupon for Picadilly, potting soil, mulch, azalea bushes, Preperation H, a notepad, a warm Fanta soda, and a plastic bracelet from the club.  How sad...

Racism Is Still In For Summer, What A Drag, Train Trade. and CoCo Squared(Re-post)...

Have any of you guys seen ABC's show 'What Would You Do?'  Basically it's a hidden camera show and they stage certain scenarios to see what people would do in certain situations.  One of the scenarios last night was staged in a New York boutique.  The actors included a security guard, an African American female shopper, and a store clerk.  When the fake security officer approached the fake Black shopper he asked if he could search her.  He said things like "We don't come to your neighborhoods".  It was so over!  All of this was to see if any of the onlooking shoppers would do anything.  Clearly this woman had just walked into the store, and hadn't stolen anything.  One of the male shoppers when probed by the actress clerk said, "Hey, I bet she tried to pull the race card didn't she?"  

Hey, thanks for the support big guy.  I wonder where they hold Klan meetings in Manhattan?  Can somebody look into that, and get back to me?  When they told the asshole that it was an experiment, he said that he felt sorry for her.  I'm so glad to see that just like statement shoes,  racism is also still in for Summer.  Mother fuckers!

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Congrats to  African Prince(ss) Bebe Zahara Benet of RuPaul's Drag Race for taking home the title of America's Next Drag Superstar.  I got so much life from Bebe, she slightly twirled the show, and deserved to win.  

Check out many more of Bebe's modeling pics at bebezaharabenet.com.

Here's to tucking your junk and covering razor bumps with tons of bad MAC make-up!  Cheers...!

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This trade came and sat down beside me the other day on the platform.  He literally smelled like he had brushed his teeth with a marijuana flavored toothpaste, taken a shower with weed scented body wash, and had just finished harvesting crop in Columbia.  I was sitting 4 feet away from him, and I swear I caught contact.  It was 9:30 in the morning, I mean damn.  I was waiting for this mother fucker to actually pull out a joint and rotate that bitch around the train station.  I'm sure all of the clocks in his house are stuck on 4:20 p.m.  I get life...

Johnte Austin?

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Remember this...?

    

Style and class are just two words to describe fashion icon Coco Chanel.  Since the introduction of the "little black dress" in 1926, Chanel has become a mega-brand.  Tweed jackets, the "medium classic, and Coco's law of over accessorizing are still staples in the house today, where one of the coolest men on earth, Karl Lagerfeld has taken over.   

Coco T, the wife of 90's rapper Ice T, is also one of history's memorable style mavens.  Many women have definitely tried, but no one does the camel toe better than CoCo T.  Her awkward silhouettes, and trashy key hole cutouts are second to none.  No other white girl has quite mastered the use of pvc and latex as Mrs. T.  Ever since the mid 90's, Coco T has consistently given us some of the skankiest get ups in history.  So today I celebrate two of the most amazing women in fashion history:  Coco Chanel and Coco T...

Weekend Wrap-Up, We Gettin' Arab Money, She Ain't Got No Money In The Bank, Mo Money, Mo Problems, and Damn, That's A Lotta' Money...

Alright kids, come and gather round.  It's time for the weekend wrap-up.  Friday was the only night I really did anything.  After work I rushed home to try and get in a disco nap, because I knew I had to go out for my sister Nikki's birthday.  I made it home, but no nap hardly.  Between phone calls, and my head wandering to what I was going to wear to the party, It just didn't happen.  My friends Tamika and Joey met me at my house, and we all left together (Sorry we were late Veronica...lol)  The party was at L2, an exclusive members only lounge in Georgetown.  I have to say that my sister looked amazing on Friday.

The headpiece and the studded belt were oh so 'Sex and the City'.  I love it!  The party was amazing, Nik is truly loved.  Happy B-day!  After L2, we decided to hit a spot that we haven't been to in a while called Modern.  We walked up to the door, showed our ID's, and proceeded to drink shot after shot.  The crowd was so wack, but the music was cute.  I felt like I was on the Jersey shore.  There were girls there with vintage tops on from THE LIMITED.  I had realized that the club had done some minor renovations since I had been there last. All I have to say is just because you pour A1 steak sauce on a pile of shit, it doesn't make it a petit filet.  Anyways, so after doing the "stanky leg" dance for over and hour, the bouncer who let me in walked up to me and told me that I had to take my sunglasses off.  The mother fucker checked my ID and let me in.  After an hour and a half, now I have to leave?  I could have easily taken off my sunglasses, but they're Spring '09 Marc Jacobs?  I finished my last shot and hit it, I couldn't see taking off anything that I wore out while I'm in the club.  That's like asking Chaka Khan to take out her weave.  Besides, I'm not that pressed I have alcohol and music at home.  The girl with the vintage top from THE LIMITED got to stay though.  

Saturday I was 2 hours late to work and I didn't miss shit.  It was dry as hell.  After work I went to Ruth Chris and had a god damn $80 dinner.  Can anybody say a little three syllable word with me?  Re-cess-ion! I payed and hit it home to pass out.  

Yesterday at work was the same as Saturday.  Dry, dry, dry...  I made it home to watch Clifton Ross tear it up on Sunday's Best.  He sang the hell out of Ms. Kirk Franklin's 'Now Behold The Lamb'.  Go Cliff, we wish you all the best.  

Which brings us to today...

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Ok, so I'm gonna try my best not to be ignorant here.  The other day I was waiting for the train, and sat down next to this nice man on the platform...

Then goddamnit, he got onto my train.  He kept pulling files out of his briefcase.  Everytime he reached into his bag, I was nervous as shit.  I was 2 seconds away from going over there and tackling him to the ground, but he only rode 3 stops.  

(Wiping brow) That was a close one, I lived to see another day...

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The other day I went to the movies to see 'Last House on the Left'.  It was a great movie by the way.  Anyways, these two ghetto ass cunts were in the concession line before me.  The one in the red had a fake Juicy Couture bag.  She kept adding items, and taking them away, and asking for the total.  I'm not kidding, they were there for at least 5 minutes, and it was the only line open.  Upon making a final decision, she payed reluctantly with wrinkled 5 and 1 dollar bills.  When she walked off she said, "Girl, the movies be high as shit, I need to go get some money from Eric when we get outta here!"  Oh my Gosh...why me?

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Apparently, for a 27 year old MD woman, her sex toy didn't have enough vrrrrmmmm.  Last week she asked her boyfriend to hook up her vibrator to one of his power tools.  Needless to say, she had to be airlifted to a nearby hospital.  I know the trade means business when he says  he's gonna "beat the pussy up", but damn that's just too much.  The woman is doing fine now, and is recovering.  She told reporters that her and her man were simply "trying something new".  Work!

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Nick Cannon's ex Selita Ebanks was spotted out wearing this Balmain creation.  Balmain turned it for Fall, and the price tags turned it as well.  Some of the gowns were upwards of $30,000!  Selita does look beat as hell in the dress, but I couldn't see her coming for...

...Little Ms. Liz Hurley in this Versace '02 get up.  That dress was the ruler of the earth!  R.I.P Versace.  Damn you Cunanan!

Happy Monday!

Can't Touch This, I'm So Touched, When I Think Of You I Touch Myself, and Touchdown...

One wouldn't have to even be interested in fashion to appreciate Fall '09 Hermes.  Aesthetically, there's nothing wrong with this collection.  It gives us classic tailoring with a modern flair.  The color palette is genius and the mixture of different textures and fabrics take me places that I haven't been in a while.

Loves it!

Jesus be a fence all around me everyday! Ummmm, ummm, ummm...

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Speaking of fashion (eyes well with tears), oh hold on, let me get a tissue (starts to weep, blows nose).  My dear sweet child Brandon Parker was just signed to motherfucking Ford Models in NYC.  I'm so proud of him.  I know how hard it's been, but now you are about to rock. 

As RuPaul says on her show, "Don't fuck it up!"

Look, that child can even smile with his eyes.  He's a natural.  Congrats again.

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This little fucker from Dade County, FL needs an exorcism.  He had the nerve to be beating his little meat in the backyard.  When his mother caught him, and told him to stop he punched her in the face.  He was arrested on domestic violence charges, and is still supposed to be in jail under a $500 bond.  No he shouldn't have punched his mother, but I have been mad at times when mother-fuckers have ruined my nut.  I mean, I didn't punch anybody or no shit like that, but I was mad!  Maybe his mother shouldn't have stopped him, but perhaps let him finish, and just told him not to do it again?  I'm kidding...(kinda)

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Get into Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush in this month's GQ.  You can hate on Kim K. all you want, but she's standing looking at all of us with both her thumbs in her ears, and her tongue out saying "Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!"  With a dime like that on her arm, I couldn't see giving a fuck.  She got paid big time for taking Ray-J's meat on camera, and then she got an over coin for Playboy, and then she gets to go home to this... 
The girls could talk all they wanted.  Looks like she has the last laugh, and we're crying...

Also, get all over A Rod. in this month's Details.  I'm wondering if he needs someone to shime hit bat (blank stares)?

Happy Wednesday Fuckers!

Weekend Wrap-Up, R.I.P.?, and Hold Me Back...!

Good day all, It's about that time for the weekend wrap. Let's start with Thursday.  I was off, but had a 3rd interview for a job I'm hoping to get.  I think the only thing left for me to do for them is the 'stanky leg' dance while they record it and put it on You Tube.   I mean damn!  Thursday night I met friends for happy hour drinks.  After happy hour I came home to rest up for my sister Joey's party at Bebar.  It was so cute.  I am very proud of my sister.  I left at around 2:00 a.m., and made my way home.  I was walking down the hall to my apartment door, and saw my neighbor sitting outside her door.  She told me that she was locked out, and that her roomie would be home SOON.  What does soon mean to you guys--perhaps 10 to 15 minutes?  I invited her in.  This bitch was in my house until 3:30 in the morning.  Not only was she posted up on my couch, but she was eating my snacks and asked what I had to drink.  Even after she left, I couldn't sleep.  I was so wound up.  

Friday at work was hell.  I came home and passed out.  Saturday was a tad better.  Normie came to surprise me at work, and we had Outback.  I always order so much there.  I love their food.  I think I was eating and trowing up at the same time.  I gorged myself with everything you could imagine.  

Yesterday work went by fast.  I came home to relax and prepare for a night out.  I had promised a friend who promotes that I would stop by his little party.  My sister Joey came by, and we hit it over to Josephine's.  Once inside I thought that I had entered a twilight zone.  The crowd was so weird.  It was giving Jurassic Park.  There were so many dinosaurs there that it looked like an episode of 'The Flintstone's'.  If they weren't old, they were bammas.  One guy had on head to toe Ed Hardy.  I couldn't even see his eyes, he was in Ed Hardy camouflage!

Even though it was a friend's birthday, Joey and I decided to sneak out and go party with the fags.  We were a half block away, and I could see a line.  It was 1 in the morning?  Why was there a line?  I couldn't see standing in a line to get into that tired club with those thirsty ass fags.  The only club I would have stood in line for was Studio 54 were they were dancing to the beatest disco, snorting the most beat coke, having the beatest unprotected sex, and sharing the beatest most over dirty needles of all.  I would have waited in line to see Michael Jackson and Bubbles popping champagne with Elizabeth Taylor.  I live!  

Since Eyebar wasn't Studio 54, we went back to Josephine's.  We made the best out of it, and drank until it became somewhat fun.  Happy Birthday by the way Abena, your camel toe looked so lovely last night.  

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This is the type of graffiti that I'm used to.

Not this?  I got onto the train the other night, and some little fucker felt the need to use a permanent marker for evil.  Lil' Chris from Trinidad is so over!

How sweet of him to deface Metro Transit property in the name of his deceased friend Darnell Ryan.  It almost brings a tear to my eye.

How dreadful...

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So we all know how I feel about Larry Johnson, right?  

He is so dreamy, isn't he...? Answer me dammit...

Those dimples, that smile...  Ummm!  Even though I hear that he's a woman beater, it's okay.  I think I would let him beat me, he is just that fine.  I finally got rid of that damn Julissa that he was dating, now this?

Chilli?  Isn't she like 60?  She couldn't bag Usher, and now she wants to push up on my man?  Someone should hold me back!  She sure does get around, doesn't she?  Wasn't homegirl just dating T.J. Holmes?  I couldn't see Chilli "Creepin" with Larry, "Chasin' Waterfalls" and shit giving him her tired ass "Red Light Special".  Ummm, it looks like she "Ain't too proud to beg".  How dreadful!

"Baby, baby, baby"...  Somebody better get her, I'm not playin'!

Why is Kenny Burns in that picture with them in Fall '08 Prada?  CONJURE!

A Boot, Beat Boot, Nasty Boot, and Mad Boot...

So the Yves Saint Laurent caged bootie is definitely one of the stand-out shoes for the season.  Somehow, I don't ever think this type of boot is ever in...

That sucks.  The District couldn't see not getting their coin.  They are soon unveiling new types of boots that have a locked keypad on them.  Upon paying your outstanding tickets, you would get a code to unlock the boot.  If that's not over, I don't know what is.  

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This lady had an 8 minute wait for her Orange line train the other day.  That bitch beat her motherfucking face the whole goddamn 8 minutes.  After she got onto the train, she still continued to contour her face for trash.  Esperanza couldn't see not having a beat face when she showed up to her housekeeping job.  She's giving 'Chile's Next Top Model' teas.  I'm not angry at you girl...

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...But I am angry at him!

I couldn't get my phone out fast enough, but this nasty ass bitch couldn't see not picking his nose for filth on the train.  This Napolean Dynamite fucker dug so far up his nose that he had to break something loose in his sinuses.  He saw me with a disgusted look on my face and stopped suddenly.  Hand sanitizer people, that's all I have to say.  Ummmm, ummm, umm...  Nasty gold digger!

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Did you guys hear about the suspicious vehicle near the Capitol the other day?  Obviously, the driver stopped and had the nerve to ask a police officer for directions.  The officer said that the man was acting weird, and asked him to stop.  Once the officers searched his car, they found 6 guns and a sword.  A sword?  This dude was about to fuck somebody up.  A sword son, damn...  He was on some medieval chop your dome off shit.  It would slightly be the ruler if I started to carry a sword.  I would draw it constantly, just for no reason.  Like if the lady fucked up my dry cleaning, I would draw my sword on her.  Or if someone was playing music too loud on the train, I would draw my sword on them.  How about at work, if my boss asked me why I was late...?  So, where can I get a sword?

Weekend Wrap-Up, A Rose Is Still A Rose, and Gucci, Gucci, Goo...

Well, well, well, look what we have here.  Sorry, I didn't post "The wrap-up" yesterday.  I literally was wrapped-up.  This weekend was definitely interesting.  Friday I had an event at work with Dionne and Horace from work.

There they are, looking all bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Oh, Happy Birthday Mr. Horace by the way.  Anyways, Friday was hectic.  I was running around doing last minute shit, and calling clients reminding them to come in.  The event turned out to be really successful.  We over-exceeded our goal, and it was a success.  We decided to go to INOX.  It's a new restaurant near work, that I had heard mixed things about.  We got there at around 9:45, I was starving and needed 5 cocktails stat!  The waitress tried it right out of the gate.  I left my ID in the car.  My ass looks way over 21, but she made me walk outside and get it.  Secondly, we all order pretty much the same thing and it was horrific!  The salmon was not enough to fit in the palm of my hand, and then it wasn't done.  Not what you would expect from a $700 dinner?  Upon us leaving the manager came into our private room.  She said that the waitress was offended by some of the conversation that she over heard while she was serving us?  What the fuck?  I hear shit at work everyday that I don't like.  Does that mean I can go to my manager and complain about it.  Everyone is offended by me though, right...?   I mean, I say cunt, pussy, fuck, or shit every other word.   I didn't wanna act a fool, because I was right near my job, and secondly I was in VA.  You know they are just waiting to lock up a black man for blowing his nose too loudly.  We paid her and pumped.  If you live in the DMV, do not go to INOX.  I repeat, if you live in or are visiting this area do not go to INOX.  How dreadful!  

Saturday was a good day at work.  It went by fairly quickly.  Afterwork, I met up with friends at the Lincoln Theatre.  My friend had a dance performance there.  It has turned into an annual thing for us.  After the performance, we went to Alero on U St. and ate down.  It was much better than that fucked up, over priced, stuffy ass, pretentious, racist, INOX (sorry, flashback).  

I worked on Sunday, and was exhausted.  The time shift really made a move on my heart.  I came home and ordered cheese bread and chicken strips form Papa John's.  I ate until I felt like one of the Clark sisters.  Don't judge me...

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Say what you will or may about this cunt Amber Rose, just don't say that she isn't over!  She has loads of style coming out of that silicone injected ass of hers.  This bitch has been killing the paparazzi at fashion week in Paris.  She couldn't see wearing the same thing twice, she just couldn't.  You know that queen Kanye is getting life from her.  They compliment each other so well.  A queen always needs an over hag on his arm.  That's the way it's been since the beginning of time. 

 

In lieu of fucking, I bet they roll around on a floor covered in couture naked.  Instead of pillow fights, they throw pumps at each other and scream like they were tweens at a Miley Cyrus concert.  Instead of room service they order up jewels and bathe in bottles of Ace of Spade.  That queen Kanye makes her exfoliate with Beluga caviar, and slathers on La Mer like it was cocoa butter from the dollar store...

Whatever they do, Ms. Kanye landed a dime.  Damn, damn, damn...

photos: ybf

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Speaking of Paris and fashion week, I believe Frida Giannini is finally getting it.  The Fall/Winter '09 Gucci show looked spectacular.  While the show was no comparison to the Tom Ford era, it made a return to that masculine/feminine inspiration that Gucci is famous for.  Tom Ford is the ruler, I hear that he is finally doing women's RTW.  All other designers should be afraid, I'm not kidding...!

 

More on Fashion Week later...

Peace fuckers!