Weekend Wrap-Up, and BET Awards

Look a there, how are you guys? Long time I know, I have been trying to put the pieces of my life puzzle together. So far I have just only opened the box and poured all of the pieces onto the table. I will get around to it someday. Anyways, I had a great week. Work wasn't AS dreadful as it has been. Maybe because I had Beyonce to look forward to right smack dab in the middle of my week. Boyfriend number 1 was gone away all week. Thank goodness he's back, I was going through some major dick withdrawls. I opened a bottle if wine the other night, and found it strangely erotic. I don't know if it was the phallic shape of the bottle, or the popping of the cork, but it really mad me sweat. I'm all good now.

So Wednesday night I went to see Beyonce at the Verizon Center. The bitch is bad. I really don't have much to say beyond that. She sounded lovely, and looked amazing. My high point of the show was when she descended down from the ceiling wearing these ridiculously gay pumps that were not made for walking. She twirled in the ceiling like some type of faggot Cirque de Soleil act. I got life, and jumped up and down from excitement.

After the show, Normie and I went to grab a bite to eat. The city was full of queens and their hags looking for an after Beyonce show party. We went to meet my sister Joey at Shadowroom.

There she is twirling about. No one does it better Joey. We had a great time, but decided to go to Josephine's and hang with Negs and Bahareh. That's Bahareh below wearing the sick Loubi's. Why are ALL of my girlfriend's faggies? Oh no!

She was walking for blood!

On Thursday I had an 10 am appointment for a chemical peel. I showed up just a tad late (too much partying). I got my chemical peel and rushed to have lunch and a glass of wine. I didn't want to be out when I started to turn red. I went home and quarantined myself. While in bed, I heard of the sad MJ news. He will definitely be missed. We have lost an icon. Who will fill his shoes? Oh you know who, maybe Spectacular from Pretty Ricky will. You know the one that was dancing around in the pink panties? KIDDING! I'm soooo sad, but have been blasting Michael ever since Thursday.

Friday I went to work peeling and all. It wasn't so bad after I exfoliated, but my derm gave me a more aggressive peel this time, so the worse was yet to come. After work, I came home and relaxed. On Saturday after work I was chillin', and got a text from my brother Sohale. He asked if I was going to hang with "the boys" tonight. I live for my brothers, so I couldn't resist. With my plastic face and all, I somehow managed to pull it together. I met them at Panache, it was cute. Afterwards we went to Current. The music was great (they were playing Michael). While at the bar getting a cocktail, my Nikki Madi walked in with the girls. Out of all of the clubs in DC, and you queens find me here...lol.

Needless to say the whole night became a conjure. Add Tamika and crew, Natalie plus two,

feathers, a stripper pole, a New York Ave loft party, cocktails galore,

a Birkin, countless Michael Jackson songs, breakfast at a seedy greasy spoon, pictures taken on side of the street in front of a CVS,

my red tennis shoes and patchwork pants, me getting home at 6:15 am, and that all equals a CONJURE! We had a blast. I think I'm getting too old for this. I'll be 40 minus 9 next month you know...

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So the BET Awards aired last night. Overall, it was a good show. Jamie Foxx is definitely an entertainer. He knows how to keep a crowd engaged. Also, thumbs up to them for changing the format of the show at the last minute due to Michael's death. This BET Awards Wrap-Up will be short and sweet. Unlike someone else who was a presenter last night...

I'm not naming ANY names, but someone just could not shut the hell up last night. They just kept talking. They went on and on. I mean damn! I thought this motherfucker was reading a Harry Potter book to the audience or something. Damn! Also, why did they (I'm still not naming names) keep their hands on their pockets the whole time. They were probably fondling their Soul Train while they were talking.

Nothing is new. Tyra looked a hot shitty reeking ass mess. What the fuck is wrong with her. She looked like she just finished taping a show on fat teens, and then came out to the awards. F-

At least someone gave me what I needed. Thank you Amber and Kanye. God bless the both of you queens...

Jay ripped his performance. That man is the greatest. I had said if I were Beyonce. I would have gotten up on stage and started to "fag out". I would dance while he was rapping, and swing my lace front around all Brett Michaels 'Rock of Love' rocker chick like.

Keith Sweat sounded exactly like what Mary had a little one of...

Drake is beat!

Soulja Boy is wack, but can get it. He is 18, right?

Keri Hilson sounded like somebody hit her in the throat with a bag of hot nickels right before she went on to perform. She sounded horrible. Sorry...

Happy Monday bitches...

No Words...

August 29, 1958-June 25, 2009

posting will resume on Monday...

Weekend Wrap-Up--The Abridged Version, You Want Me To Wear What?, and Vintage Post: Shrimp Fried Rice and Watermelon...

Good Monday Morning you freaks!  Hopefully everyone had an amazing weekend.  I'm making this wrap-up a short one--i need pool time today.  Anyways, my weekend was great.  Thursday night I went to Lauriol Plaza with boyfriend number 2.  On Friday I didn't do anything.  I felt exhausted.  I was super bummed that I missed my girlfriend's going a way party, but I'll just have to catch her in Miami.  Good luck Abena!  On Saturday I worked.  I didn't do much work, I ke-ke'ed all day long.  "The Girls" just kept coming through the door to walk on me.  Hi Deidre, Bahareh, and Cherri.  It's always cute when the girls come through and walk.  Happy Birthday again Cherri!  

Saturday night boyfriend number 1 came over.  He hung out while I got ready for the party at the warehouse.  Needless to say, we were a tad late, and I ended up in the shower twice.  Once we stopped humping, we went to meet Horace, Dionne, and Katie at Chi Cha lounge.  The vibe was cute.  Tamika and crew also met us there before we headed to the warehouse party.  It was Tamika's birthday--Happy Birthday you fucking queen!  The party at he warehouse was adorable.  Boyfriend number one and I stayed until around 3.  We had to make it home to film the sequel to our movie.  Yesterday I worked.  Surprisingly, I functioned pretty well being that I was running on E.  Dick will energize your ass, I swear!  Sometimes it's better than a Red Bull.  

Which brings us to today.  I'm pooling it!  Peace fuckers, I'm missing out on prime time sun!

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Did you guys hear about Vivica Foxx coming out with her own clothing line?  I swear to you, if this actually happens, I'm writing my Congressman.  Who wants to wear ANYTHING that Vivica Foxx would even consider putting on that plastic ass body of hers?  If it does come about, I have a name for it--COUGAR!  In all of her dresses, there should be pockets that keep vials of botox fresh for up to a year!  Ooooh Vivica, you tried it!

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Remember this....?

Trust me, I'm down for the swirl and all, but DAMN!  This greasy egg roll fried-chicken nail salon section 8 wonton chitterling sex does not need to be televised.  This has to be the nasty interracial have that I have ever seen.  Who is the top?  After it's distinguished who is pitching, i couldn't stomach watching or imaging it.  Could you?  How do you say, "I'm about to cum in Korean?"  Never mind, I don't ever want to hear that....EVER!

You Know What's Beat...?

You know what's beat as hell?  Chanel Resort 2010 is the ruler.  I know it's hard to think about resort, and we are not even through summer yet, but damn!  Karl Lagerfeld and his team really know how to snort the longest lines of coke over there at the House of Chanel and still be productive.  We still see the iconic opulent lesage and detailing that has made the house a mega brand, but it seems wearable.  I have always been a fan of resort collections.  I love the nautical inspired clothing, big totes, and the idea of the cunt who slays a whole resort collection to wear to her villa in St. Barth.  

Beautiful...

Kanye and Amber (Kamber) are beat!  They are so ridiculously over the top that it's sickening.  Why is Ms. Kanye finding his light better and giving more face better than Amber?  I couldn't see my trade out-posing me.  

Nevertheless, they are beat as shit!

This is a picture that was taken during Inauguration weekend that I kept in my files.  I bet Ludacris took Obama back to his dressing room and smoked the most over blunt ever!  While they smoked, they listen to Bone Thugs and Harmony and drank 40's.  Let me have my fantasy...

  

This ghetto bitch on the train the other day was beat as hell!  First of all, I'm not even tripping off the bamboo earrings--I think they're kinda cute.  I'm tripping off the fact that she was talking to her girlfriend sitting in the seat across from her about "personal" issues. **Begin quote, "I be holdin' my urine all the time, that's why my bladder be hurtin'..."**End Quote.  I thought that it was so over that she didn't care about me hearing about her bladder control issues.  In fact, when she looked back at me, she gave me a look like, "What?"...  She was beat as hell.  

I don't know if she has bladder control issues or not, but Ri-Ri is beat!  I don't think I've ever seen the bitch look bad.  She needs to give her good good girlfriend Beyonce some style tips.  I guess you can't have EVERYTHING.  If Beyonce dressed as over as Rihanna, i think she would combust into flames from ovahness!  It's ok though, at least we have Ri-Ri.  "Give me shoes, and give me bags.  How much you want, I need 'em bad..."  

This man was sitting on the platform the other day waiting for the train.  He was beat!  He was literally sleeping sitting straight up.  When the train came, I nudged his ass to give him a head's up.  How do you sleep while sitting straight up?  Maybe his ass was part flamingo or something?  

Drake is beat, fuck what you've heard!  Get into a song that's been on repeat for the past week on my Ipod.  The song is called "Unstoppable", and features my dirty tree dwelling Keebler elf gnome ass ugly-sexy fucker Lil' Wayne.  Get in...

Weekend Wrap-Up, Killa Kobe, Get Your Chanel!, and ?

Hi fuckers, I'm hoping everyone had a great weekend.  Mine was mild, but cute.  On Friday morning I woke up with the absolute worst migraine I think I have ever had in my life.  I took some medicine and went back to bed.  When I got up, it still wasn't gone.  I had the nerve to go to work with it.  By the time I got to work, I couldn't even hardly open my eyes.  It was ridiculous.  I didn't start to feel better until around 7:30 or 8:00.  I got off at 9, and was starving because I hadn't eaten all day.  I called Normie, and after much deliberation, we decided to go to Leopold's in Georgetown.  My skirt steak was the ruler, his calamari was gross.  I had red wine.  Red wine makes me crazy.  I left my card in the sign envelope.  I didn't realize it until the next morning when I went to use my card.  I called, and thank God they had it.  Normie went to pick it up for me, and had a very strange encounter with a manager named Lucia.  She gave him attitude for no reason.  He then called back to see what the problem was, and she hung up on him.  She said that she had a "busy restaurant", and had no time for this?  I then called back and she gave me the long number to 411 when I asked for the owner's number.  She is a nasty cunt that spews blood from between her legs when she walks!  I didn't get anywhere until my sister and I called later when new management was on duty.  The GM will be at the restaurant after 4 p.m. today.  I will be calling.  Ms. Lucia needs to be dealt with--nasty cunt!  So you guys know what that means...

I couldn't see any of you guys going there.  It's a conjure.  I'll let you all know what the outcome is when I speak with the GM today.  

So after the drama at Leopold's on Saturday morning, I left work early to do a bit of shopping.  I got a couple of great pieces.  The sales everywhere are off the hook.  After my mini-shopping excursion, I went home to prepare myself for the 'Party After Dark" at the Hirshhorn Museum.  

It was a cute event minus the shirtless white queens dancing around in flip flops (It was PRIDE in D.C.).  I had a good time, and got to meet my girl Lilien's new girlfriend.  She is sooooo adorable!  I'm so happy for you Lil. 

After the party, I went to meet my sisters Yaneek and Darleata at Policy.  It was cute as usual.  We stayed for a bit, and decided to get hood with it.  I called my boy, and made arrangements for us to get into Layla.  You'll never guess how we got to the club from Policy.  We rode in a cop car.  He was our designated driver for the night--don't ask!  

Anyways, we got to a pack club at Layla.  As soon as we got upstairs to the party, I smelled weed.  Somebody was smoking BOOT.  We got shots, danced for blood, and conjured trade.  Speaking of trade, get into this one that I saw in the bathroom trying to get his swag right.  

Do you see those arms?  Get in!  I'm sorry I don't get a shot of him at the urinal, maybe next time?  

This is me and the girls in their bathroom (I'm a bathroom hopper).  After the club I hit it home (still in the police car), I had to work yesterday morning.  I made it on time, and stayed all day.  I came home and chilled last night.  I couldn't see going out.  I cleaned my house and did laundry until 2 in the morning.  

Tonight I have date number 2 with boyfriend number 1.  He is a cutie.  I don't remember much about the first date beside us osculating (kissing) for hours. Tonight I'm making dinner.  He had a request for chicken parmesan.  Because I'm a good cunt, I'm making it.  I ain't never made no damn chicken parmesan, but I bet you I will tonight--fuck wit it!

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Congratulations to that sexy, fine, chocolate, tall, beat ass piece of trade Kobe for leading the Lakers to their 15th NBA title.  He can lead me into a title...

Kobe, I'm making chicken parmesan tonight if you want any--I'm just sayin'...

 

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On Saturday while walking through Georgetown shopping, I saw these?  Coco Chanel would roll over in her grave.  Besides, I thought that the Fall Chanel collections were all about Paris-Moscow?  Chanel ain't never made no bag that looks like that!  They should be ashamed.  At least have them be good fakes!  I have goose bumps...

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This mother fuckin' country bamma, dirty south, gold front, southern twang, auto tune negro had the nerve to have that chain made.  "Big Ass Chain"? I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore.  Now I know why his name is T-Pain, because he's hurting me.  If the blond dreads, and costumey outfits weren't enough, here we go.  But off the no bull shit, he can rip the shit out of a remix though.  Solely because if that, he has a pass to continue wearing that ghetto ass chain--not for long though.  Damn...

Trey Who?, PETA's Peters, and Scratch and Sniff...

I'm not sure if you guys have heard about the diss record that Ms. Treyisha Songz has put out against Mr. R. Kelly, but I myself can't believe it.  Ms. Songz "raps" and "sings" to the beat of Jay Z's newest track D.O.A (Death of Autotune).  This young lady has the nerve to try and come for Robert, talking about how he is "fresher" than R. Kelly?  I couldn't see it!  R. Kelly has provided the soundtrack for countless baby making sessions (minus the whole egg fertilization process though) for me personally.  Do you know how many times I "had" to TP2.com?  Let's just say that the cd was scratched by the time I was done with it. 

R. Kelly has been a beast ever since Public Announcement.  Lil Ms. Trey Songz still had her hair in pig tails while R. Kelly was telling us that "she got that vii

iiiiiiibe".  Don't even mention '12 Play', I think this cd taught me everything I know about sex.  

Can anybody even name a Trey Songz single?  Oh, I know...'I Can't Help But Wait'--Get the fuck outta here!  I'm sure Ms. Songz has played with her clit to 'Your Body's Callin', and has the nerve to try and read.

Anyways, I'm hoping that R. Kelly doesn't even respond to this nonsense.  With all of the hits that he has given us over the years, I'm not a fan of golden showers, but I would let him pee on me--you know just as a thank you?  

What's your favorite R. Kelly jam?   I wanna know...

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So it seems that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wants a certain rapper to pose nude for their newest campaign.  Yes, PETA has sent a letter to T.I. in jail to ask him to pose nude for the cause.  I'm glad T.I. is gonna be on lockdown for a minute, because I need time to get my heart right.  If I would walk up on a nude poster of him without warning, I might faint.  Lawd, y'all know how I feel about T.I.  Better not nobody say nothing bad about T.I.!  Hopefully, Mr. Clifford Harris acquiesces and drops his pants like they're hot.  He really doesn't give much body, but he could walk in any Ball for "Face" all day long!  I feel a prayer coming on...

Let us pray...

Lord, please watch over T.I. in jail, and don't let any of those big men play in his boy hole.  Lord, please let T.I. know that him posing nude is for a good cause, and that it would mean good P.R. for him after his release from jail.  Also Lord God, please guide and direct him to leave that tired cunt Tiny.  Let him know that there are beater bitches out here, and that she looks like Smurfette.  Amen!  Oh, one more thing.  It's not about T.I., it's just for me.  Lord, I can't wait until I have a pair of the men's Louboutin's on my feet.  Please guide my foot steps in the right direction, and assist me in making the smartest purchase.  I said AMEN!

Fuck T.I. posing for PETA.  You know what would be beat as hell, if they got motherfuckin' Michael Vick to pose.  Biiiiiitcccchhh, that would be so over!  The irony would kill me immediately!

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Special Announcement:  So, I'm in love with a new Creed!  It's called Neroli Sauvage.  I haven't thrown my Vetiver, or my dear Love in Black to the side quite yet, but I found this scent quite intriguing.  It has top notes of bergamot, lemon, and grapefruit.  It totally smells like "old money", kinda like death bed, sign right here on the dotted line grandma chic?  I live for it!

Weekend Wrap-Up--The Tuesday Edition, Boyfriend #2, Train Wrecks, J' Adore Dior...

Hey guys, what's up?  I'm hoping that you guys aren't feeling like I am.  Lately I have been so unmotivated.  I need to coach and prod myself to perform everyday task.  It's not a good place.  Maybe it has something to do with my ass being broke as hell.  I'm talking broken to pieces.  I'm talking ALL  of the kings horses, and ALL of the king's men couldn't put me back together again.  I'm talking broken like a faggot's wrist.  I'm talking broke like Jennifer Anniston's heart when she heard of the Angelina news.  I'm talking broke like a prostitutes back.  I'm mean broke, broke, broke.  Did you guys get that I was broke?  Good...  Anyways, because I'm in a financial cul-de-sac (things will turn around soon), my ass has been staying in the house, far away from conjures.  It's so hard to not be tempted by shopping, because I dwell in the belly of the beast.  I have to stand there for 8 hours a day. 

Anyways, after working all weekend on Sunday sister Nik texted to see if I wanted to see 'The Hangover'.  I had gotten so many text messages the day before saying how funny it was.  I was intrigued.  The family went to see the 7:45 showing at Tysons..  The movie was packed. 

I laughed the whole damn time.  It was the funniest movie I had seen in a while.  It was so random, but still made sense.  Besides, any movie that can work a Mike Tyson cameo into the plot has to be a winner.  After the movie, I came home and passed out.  That's my weekend, are you jealous?

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It seems that Reggie Bush isn't the only cutie who plays for the New Orleans Saints.  Ladies and Ladies (you trade sit out for this one), Marques Colston.  This 6' 4", 225 pound bag of trade beatness is the business.  

Jigga what?

With those arms and that smile, he can't lose.  I mean, he's no Reggie, but he will definitely do.  He's the perfect pick for boyfriend #2.  

With him and Reggie in the same shower, that is one bar of soap that I would never keep in my hand.  

Call me boy!

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Train Wrecks!

This nasty fucker kept scratching his nasty ass head.  I wish I could zoom in even closer so that you could see the fucking snowstorm that fell on his shoulder every time he scratched.  You would think that with the little bit of hair that he did have left, he wouldn't have that bad dandruff.  As soon as I snapped this pic, I moved as far away from him as possible.  I couldn't see his dead skin cells being anywhere near me.  I said Head and Shoulders!

This trade was on my train the other day, and I just couldn't help but stare at his junk.  On top of him adjusting it every 5 seconds, he had an arrow (his necktie) pointing right to it.  I'm sure he knew I was looking, I damn near stared a hole right through his nuts.  The rest of him was slightly beat as well.  I don't need that kind of stimulation that early in the morning.  Jesus keep me near the cross...

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Just in!  These new Dior booties are so beat, I live!  I can't wait to see a cunt in them.  I swear I'm gonna run up to her screaming, and jump on her back all the while screaming, "SERVE"!  With a hot distressed skinny jean, and a wife baeter--How could you lose?  

Guess Who's Back, Not Again?, and Don't Be Mad Once You See That He Want It...

Que Pasa mother fuckers, a bitch is back.  I'm sure you missed me.  I definitely missed you guys.  No more funning in the sun for me, back to reality.  I had the time of my life.  Punta Cana is gorgeous, I'm not talking about the land either.  All of the men are FUEGO!  I arrived to the Melia Caribe Tropical Resorts on last Thursday at around 1:30 p.m.  After checking in, I was escorted to my villa.

It's cute right?  I had a private balcony as well with an amazing view.  I immediately got changed and headed down to the beach.  The white sand beaches are amazing.  The water is crystal clear. I decided to walk to some of the gift shops that were along the beach.  On top of being gorgeous, the men there are so fresh--calling me "mami" and shit.  I was like, "Boy stop or whateva..."  

Soon after my gift shop adventures, I met up with my friends who were there.  Add a wedding, countless shots of Mama Juana's Rum, other conjures on the resort, 13 personal outfit changes, these bold ass peacocks, 

...me parasailing, 

and my beat ass tan, it only equals trouble.  What happens in Punta Cana, stays in Punta Cana...

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This damn queen is back with a part two of that damn video.  I couldn't even muster the strength to post it.  "Sexy Spectacular" addresses the "haters", and says that it wasn't for men to watch.  I mean to his defense, he did say that it was only for the ladies.  Also, with him getting so much slack for wearing those pink panties in the first video, he switched it up to black boxer briefs.  He is gyrating and moving around like a stripper who is having a seizure.  

Could you guys all join me in prayer? 

Lord, please guide "Sexy Spectacular".  Let him know that all of this grinding and gyrating isn't work of the trade (unless you're a stripper).  Lord, please let him know that he is a laughing stock, and that his new single "Tipsy In The Club", isn't that hot.  Also Lord, I have no idea why he would want to be in a group with a grown man who calls himself "Lingerie".  Please God let him know that this is some gay ass shit (excuse my language).  In your name I pray.  Amen (shouting while being fanned with a church fan).

Help him Lord!

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So last night I went on a "whatever" with this man I met about last year this time.  He isn't from here, I met him while walking down the street talking to Normie on the phone.  He booked me, and asked me to go to dinner.  After he left town, my woman's intuition kicked in.  I knew that he was married.  I knew the company that he worked for, and his full name, so I googled his ass.  What do you know?  He's been married for over 20 years, and has two kids.  Not to mention his profile on Forbe's gave me his salary for 2008, and son is PAAAAAAIIIIIDDDD!  

Anyways, I kept my secret that I knew of his nuptials.  Every time he comes into town he's good for a meal, and a coin.  Last night we went to Ruth's Chris and had a wonderful meal.  After dinner he asked if he could come up and chat for a few.  I told him that there wouldn't be any "funny business" going on, cause I'm a laaaady (in the Sheneneh voice).  We were talking and watching television, his hands start to wander place where they shouldn't have--I told him to stop.  About ten minutes later this mother fucker got octopus on my ass, It was like he had 8 arms.  I had on baggy shorts, and this fucker tried to go under them and slide his finger in my "peach".  Right when he thought he had found the pot of gold I said, "So does your wife know that you like to play with men's butt holes?"  He looked like he had just seen a ghost.  It was the beatest expression ever.  He gave me a nervous chuckle and went back to his side of the couch.  After about 10 more minutes of awkwardness, I told him that it was getting late (It was only midnite), and that I should be going to bed.  He asked me if I needed anything (I shook my head "no"), and told me to call him if I did.  I just may be enough of a bitch to black mail his ass.  Let me sleep on it.