LMFAO, F.A.G., B.E.T., and Dynasty...

Ok, so it's 8:43 a.m. and I just rolled over and grabbed my laptop. There was also a half glass of wine on my bed side table from last night, and the fuck if I just didn't take that shit to the head. Shut up, only God can judge me! Kim from 'Housewives of ATL' would approve of my early morning wine drinking. In her number one chart topping hit (blank stare) 'Tardy For The Party', she says, "I'll be feeling good by 9, after my third glass of wine". She didn't specify a.m. or p.m. so fuck off.

So last night I was looking through some pictures from my brother Kenny's birthday and thought I'd share them with you guys. Before you review the pictures, please note that all involved have serious mental conditions, and should be admitted to the nearest mental institution IMMEDIATELY...

Simon says "smize" (smile with your eyes), Simon says...hell Simon should always says "smize"!

I said no photographs!

Hmmm, Gucci eh?

The wicked witches of NW DC...

more pics of that deranged photo shoot to come...

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F.A.G.

So it seems that Mr. Larry "fine as shit, let me swim in your dimples mocha delight over bodied football trade you gon think i invented sex" Johnson has been suspended for using the word "fag". Apparently, the other day reporters entered the locker room (lucky them), and Johnson told them to "get your faggot asses outta here!". Shortly after he used the term fag on twitter, and referred to a fan as a "Christopher Street boy". That is over, I live. I'm gonna start calling everyone gay a "Christopher Street Boy". I'm also turning the word fag into an acronym. It's now short for "fun and glamorous" (hitting gavel on desk).

So now being called a "fag" has absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality. Anyone can be a F.A.G. Try it out at work, church, or school and let me know how things work out.

(standing by the water cooler at work) Hey Bill, great shirt. What color is that, salmon? Wow, what a F.A.G. you are! (walking away back to desk)

Wow, I don't think I'd be mad if Larry Johnson called me a fag. I'd just be happy that he looked at me. NO HOMO...

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B.E.T.

So last night the B.E.T. Hip Hop Awards aired (crickets). Hello, did you guys hear me? I said (screaming) last night the B.E.T. Hip Hop Awards aired (louder crickets). Oh?

Trina was there, she looked great. Glad to see she's not wearing crotchless pants on the red carpet anymore. Is that She by Sheree?

Nikki Minaj a.k.a. Nikki Lewinsky a.k.a. Harajuku Barbie a.k.a Camel Toe (I just added camel toe, that's not really one of her names) was also there. I love her! I can't wait until her cd drops. Anyone who says in their lyrics that "I think it's time to put this pussy on your side burns" has my vote for everything! NIKKI MINAJ 2012!

If there wasn't already enough niggerdom to go around, Frankie Cole was there. She needs no commentary.

Did anyone see Soulja Boy last night? He looked like Liberace and Flava Flav's gay love child. I mean, how much jewelry can one person put on? So garish, but I think I get life!

Be sure to keep you television locked on B.E.T. for more quality programming (doors slamming and cars speeding away) Oh, but?

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You fuckers know what time it is, It's Dynasty Wednesday! Get into this clip of Alexis and Krystle getting crunk in the lily pond. Talk about Fun and Glamorous! My mission today is to first find a lily pond, and then find a cunt to throw in and battle with.

Notice how Alexis always started the fights, but Krystle seemed to always whip that ass! Get into the dialog! "You miserable bitch!"

Weekend Wrap-Up--The Louboutin Edition, The Monique Show, and...

Ummm? I really don't know where to start? Actually, I'll start here. This will be the last weekend that I'm calling Monday's post 'The Weekend Wrap-Up', because... never mind, I won't read, I'll behave for once.

So Friday work was all hype in preparation for the Christian Louboutin personal appearance. There wasn't much else going on, everyone was waiting to come in on Saturday to see the King (queen). After work I headed up to Mazza to meet Normie for a little shopping excursion. I thought about going out, but I couldn't see it. I needed to get rest for the event the next day.

On Saturday I rose early and accessorized properly for the long day ahead. When I arrived at work, everything was in place. Louboutin's staff held a private morning meeting for us employees. We discussed product knowledge and Louboutin's inspirations for the current collection. Any man that designs shoes so sexy and delicious is a queen after my own heart--I was in heaven. I had no clue what I was in store for later in the day...

This was the scene in the store at 10:15. We open at 10. There were cunts waiting at the door when we opened, all in Louboutins of course. It was literally the "red sea". Christian (I can call him that now), was slated to start the P.A. at 1, but he arrived early to speak to press.

Everyone was excited to see the man who designs the ultimate "fuck me shoe". The stores energy was like no other. Some people stood in line for 4 hours in Louboutins to see Louboutin!

He personalized shoes, and sat down with each and every woman who came. He was so nice, that he even stayed 2 hours past the event time to accommodate late comers.

While the craziness was happening upstairs, I was having lunch downstairs...

There she is, (in Lil Wayne voice) Ms. Nikki Baaaabby! She was lucky enough to get one of the limited edition Louboutin champagne sets that there are only 150 of in the U.S.

After my lunch with Nikki and Tamara, my bestie Normie came to visit. The event was over, and most of the customers had left the store. I had to run up to the executive offices to get a shoe that Louboutin signed after the event. I was called into the office by Christian's assistant Michael (he got in), and there he was the man himself. He looked exhausted, but was still personable. We all chatted like teenage girls. Michael asked for my number, and wanted to know some spots to hang out. He said that he would text me later, and he did...

Next thing you know, I was having THE absolute gayest night of my life. Christian is soooo over, he wanted to see "go-go boys", so SECRETS it was. There's a drag performance downstairs, and all nude go-go boys upstairs. Mind you guys that we have a gaggle of straight men with us as well. It wade for a very interesting evening. One of the dancers in particular was very talented. He put one leg on the wall, and shook his ass for filth. I've been practicing, look out J!

After the club, Louboutin and his assistants hit it back to the Hay Adams where they were staying. I sent a text yesterday saying thank you, and that we enjoyed ourselves. The response back was that Louboutin had a great time, and thought we were "fabulous". Take that!

4:15 a.m. we were all hungry as hell. Steak and Eggs it was! We went to a seedy greasy spoon in couture and ate for filth! This is my sister Natalie in Louis Vuitton runway...

Who the fuck else can smile with their eyes like that? She's such a queen! She was telling Louboutin that she wanted to be a drag performer. He told her to "blot out her eyebrows, and draw them in hight"! He got life from her, as everyone always does!

What a weekend! Don't be mad that you didn't hang out with Christian Louboutin in a shady gay strip club! And the hater award goes too...

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Monday October 26, 2009

Dear Monique,

I was just writing this letter to tell you that I absolutely loath you and your show. Even though I had doubts, I wanted to give you a chance so I watched your first episode. Your fat ass screamed for the whole hour. I've never seen such Tom Foolery! You personally set the "black movement" back at least 100 years. I am ashamed and deeply saddened that you haven't already been cancelled. I know that you are on BET, and all they play is repeats of 'Baby Boy', but I'd gladly watch 'Baby Boy' over and over again to avoid your ridiculous show.

I'm actually in the process of forming a petition to get your show off air. If that doesn't work, I will go to Congress. I will not rest until your black chubby face is off my television.

P.S. I loved you in 'Queens of Comedy'.

Regards,

Quincy Jones

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I was minding my own business (as I always do) the other day, and saw this! An 8 ball jacket? Did he have to take a time machine back to 92? I used to have one, I was the baddest bitch in my school. Everyone was all over my man ovaries because I was the first to have it! After all the bammas in school started to slowly get them, I found the nearest bonfire and threw mine into it! Hmmm, bonfire. I wan't some marshmallows....

Happy Monday!

It's 'Dynasty' Wednesday, and I'm Not Talkin' About Jay Z. Thanks Kenneth!

(deep breath) So, the other day my brother Kenneth posted a couple of YouTube clips from one of my favorite television shows of ALL time 'Dynasty'. I can remember being so anxious to catch the new episode every Thursday night. At the time, I had no clue why I was so addicted, now I know. The drag, the over cunts in beat ass jewelry, cat fights galore, and the over trades with coins. Real Story: My nephew's name is Blake!

There was never enough! There was never enough shoulder pads, there was never enough money, there was never enough "bitch calling"! It totally embodied the opulence of the 80's, and I loved it...excuse me, I love it.

No bullshit, revisiting these clips have inspired me to wear fur all winter and go around slapping random people and telling them that they there isn't "room enough in this town for the both of us!" How over!

Every Wednesday from now in will be devoted to 'Dynasty' in all it's shoulder padded, studded, and bejeweled glory! Get in!

Watch this clip where Alexis and Krystle go off on each other. Please tell me why Krystle tried to strangle Alexis with a boa, and why were they throwing sequins at each other while saying, "take that"? It is so over!

Week in Review, Monday Wake Up Call, Caught By Q ...

(in heavy Jamaican accent) I'm back mudda fuckas! I was on hiatus last week, I just couldn't find any time to blog. Between work, home, and other things I have going on, it just fell towards the end of my "to do" list.

Sooooooo, here we are now! What's been going on with you guys? O.K., enough about you all! Last weekend was one of the best weekends ever. On Friday it was my sister Darleata and Jamar's birthday celebration at Policy. We said we would be there at 7, but somehow that turned into damn near 9:00. Blacks are so over, we have absolutely no concept of time! You gotta love it! Once everyone arrived, we had a blast!

The birthday boy and girl...

Hi Tim!

This shot looks very editorial, I like! By the way, my red bow tie is over!

That's the birthday boy getting a little more than he bargained for from one of my girls. She had to put it on him for his birthday. Hey J, whatcha gon' do wit all that?

Saturday was a lazy day, I literally stayed in bed all day. After my resurrection, I got up to take my boo to a birthday dinner and movie. We had a huge dinner, and went to see 'Good Hair'. I'm glad I had "the itis", and slept through most of it, because it was some shit! It was boring and repetitive. I didn't pay $10 to see that fat queen Derek J walk across a stage in cheap heels, I can watch that shit for free on RHOA!

On Sunday we went to the Equality March. There were more gays there than a Baptist Minister of Music Convention. It was over!

Taste the rainbow...

There was tons of faggotry going on there. Cynthia Nixon (Miranda from SATC) was there. She is the beatest red headed dike ever! She gave an arousing and insightful shirt speech while also introducing Matthew Shepard's mother to the stage. Fun times. After about 45 minutes there, I started to get antsy. I could only stay around that many gays for so long. So we went to meet two more gays--Jonathan and Nikki! We met them at Creme for brunch. It was bomb as always. I miss being off on Sundays--fuck work!

The rest of the week was a blur, be happy I remembered that much!

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Monday Wake Up

For no particular reason at all, just because he's fine as hell--NO HOMO!

Damn Trey!

You gon' think I invented sex...

Get into Kobe's new cover for French Men's Vogue. I've always been a Kobe fan, even when he cheated on his wife. She couldn't see leaving him!

Nice bow tie!

Mother fuckin' drum roll please........

All I know is that Ms. Eva the Diva better be working this shit out or else! Damn Lance Bass...(He has nothing on you though baby)

Lance Bass couldn't definitely tap that...you finish the rest.

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Caught by Q

Last week I was headed into work, and this nasty queen tried to walk on me! What a nerve she had to try and walk on me with a chino and a tired GG logo Gucci bag! She was on a phone call, but still took the time to glance at me and throw shade. This Brad wannabe from 'The Rachel Zoe' project better watch his back!

He looks like he lives right on the corner of Faggot Drive and Butt Fuck Avenue! Google map that!

Fire crotch!

I was on the train last night heading home from work, and i wanted to snatch this bitches fur piece. It was beat, and she wasn't showing it grace!

This bitch took every single piece of animal print from her closet and wore it at the same time. What the hell? She tried it! It's gross, but I get life! She can walk for labels! Tens across the board!!!!!!

Shut up, Happy Monday!

Prince-1 Rihanna-0, Battle of "Stankdom", and Damn Dwight!

I just knew this day would come! Rihanna and Prince The Purple One No Name (insert Prince "Ooooaaappp" sound here) at the same venue battling it out for fashion's sake. The two were spotted at the Chanel runway show in Paris yesterday. While Rihanna looked absolutely stunning in her get up, Prince seemed to take the title with a custom made Chanel outfit with a matching pump (was it a dyeable?). I'm sorry but, how does a self proclaimed straight man look more cunt than the cunt. Prince is the beatest man in a pump ever! I get so much life that I die!

I love you Ri-Ri, but Prince's perm is also beater! Prince slayed the competition hands down (rings bell and walks off stage)...

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Amber Rose and CoCo T were at the "Good Hair" premiere battling the other night as well. While they weren't battling fashions, they were battling camel toes and yeast infections. I live for the both of them, because they just don't give a fuck! They look so beat and stank at the same time. I feel like I wanna applaud and then throw tomatoes at them! I love/hate the stank look! It's so gross that is did a 360 degree turn, and it's back to being over! OOC!

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Athletes are taking it all off for ESPN's 'Body Issue' and I'm glad they are. We all know how I feel about Dwight Howard (TOTALLY HOMO), and he looks like someone dipped him in chocolate, let it dry, and then sprayed his ass down with PAM non stick butter spray. Other athletes posed, but I really don't care much about him. Dwight Howard is dreamy ( gazing longingly into sky)...

Wrap Up, Get 'Em Frankie, and NO HOMO...

Whew! I must be getting old, because I feel like Rodney King after the beating in '91. My ass is tired, and I have to go to...I can't even say it! You guys know, it's that word that starts with "w". Most people go everyday for about 8 hours. Ugggghhhh!

Enough sad talk, my week was super busy starting with the 'Capitalism: A Love Story' DC movie premiere on Tuesday (thanks Eve). The movie was amazing. It really brought many issue to the forefront. Michael Moore always does a great job of blowing up spots, and he definitely did in this film.

After the movie, there was a question and answer period with Mr. Moore (Michael Moore, not Shemar) himself. He only got to take 3 questions from the audience, because he had to do an interview with that queen Anderson Cooper.

After the movie, J and I hit it to The Donovan House rooftop for a night cap. It is always so nice up there. On Tuesday it was a little chilly, but you guys should know that I dress in layers year round, so I was aiiiight. Word at the party was that Lady Gaga was going to stop there after her performance at Constitution Hall. I told friends that if Lady Gaga walked in, I would jump off the rooftop of the Donovan. I would get so much life that I would want to die. How over is that?

On to the next one...

The next night was my brother Kenny's birthday. You know we had to come out for that. We (the rest of the table, excluding me) had a lovely dinner at Hudson on M St. Everyone looked so nice...well, mostly everyone looked so nice (side eye). I'm sorry brother Kenny, he may be your friend but you are not allowed to throw shade at me or my friends if you're wearing a square toed shoe and pleated dress pants. I'm just so sorry about that, but you're not. Fucking haters dude! Anywho...

It's always the white fag who has to act a fool!

Jonathan, Normie, and Joey walking to the car after dinner. We headed to Modern to get our two step on. It was cute there. I'm guessing it's a new party going on, I'd go back. It was cute for a Wednesday.

On to the next one...

Saturday night was my co worker Jill's birthday party. She held the party at her neighbors house. It was a karaoke party. If you missed my status message on Facebook on Saturday night, it read 'White people like karaoke'. Sans rhythm they sang the night away off the rum punch. It was a great time. I asked if they had any Lil Kim, but I only got a confused face, "No, no we don't" response.

On to the next one...

Yesterday was paintball day, that's why I feel like I went 3 rounds with Pacquiao. It was in Bumblefuck, Va. J and I woke up around 7:30, and we were still late. We got there right on time, because everyone else was late too. I had a blast. I was fucking people up left and right. I got to take some (all) of my frustrations out. I felt like a kid again, a very old kid who got tired after only an hour of paintball, but still a kid nonetheless.

On to the next one...

After the trek from Bumblefuck, Va into the city, I had to meet up with friends for a late late business brunch...

We did Tabaq on U street. The view from there is amazing. We had a great brunch, and discussed our upcoming venture (stay tuned for details).

At yesterdays brunch: Horace thought he was some Columbian drug lord or some shit. SMH...

After brunch, we headed to 'The Coolout" on The Beacon Hotel rooftop. Good music, good weather, good food, good drinks, good friends. After The Beacon, I bowed out. There was another party at Marvin. I couldn't do it. I would have been more tired than this. After a long shower, and a little 'Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami', it was bed time. Now i'm blogging, and I'm totally late for wo...I swear I can't bring myself to say it. Fuck!

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Frankie you better get it! It seems that Frankie "Code 10 Man Down" Cole has a new boyfriend. How about his ass is 21, and very cute if I may add (No Homo). I thought I was a cougar, but damn. It seems that Frankie has that "good good". Maybe that crack she did in the 80's and 90's preserved her vagina? I don't know, I'm just sayin'...

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You guys hear about Ms. Tyson Beckford saying that IF he had to be with a man, it would be Obama. He then took it even further to say that he would top him (crickets). I don't know ANY totally straight man that would admit to this tom fuckery, and on national television no doubt. That's just disgusting! I'm mean I'd watch and all(No HOMO), but it's still disgusting...kinda.

Happy Monday...