Celebrity Apprentice?, The Dream, and A Nightmare...

So Celebrity Apprentice comes back to us on Sunday.  The most over drag queen will be on this season.  Yes Dennis Rodman is on this season, but not her.  I'm talking about Mr. Joan Rivers.  Joan Rivers is the fucking ruler.  That bitch is at least 113, and looks beat.  When I was young, she was at least 80 or 90...lol?  She has been stretched and pulled more than dough at a pizza parlor.  She couldn't see growing old gracefully.  Also on this season, Brian McKnight and T-Boz (crickets)...  Can we rename the show to "Celebrity Food Stamps"?

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You know, I'm really feeling The Dream these days.  It's not like he is a musical genius or anything, he just makes songs that have catchy hooks and cute beats.  His newest single "Rockin That Thang" is the ruler.  It's one of those songs that they play near the end of the night at the club.  You guys know when it's 2:54, and the damn club closes at 3:00 a.m., but you don't wanna go home.  You know why you don't wanna go home?  Your ass just met the beatest trade in the room 5 minutes ago.  You guys were locking eyes all night, but you needed more nerve to go speak (nerve=patron).  You can't really make out his name, because you're standing right near the speaker, so you hand him your phone and tell him to put his contact information in.  While he has your phone in hand, this song comes on.  You tuck your loose tendril of hair behind your ear and turn your back to him.  This is the part where you start slow grinding on his dick like you're a new hire at Magic City (you have to put down "I want him to call insurance").  He hands your phone back, and puts his hands around your waist.  When the mother fucking lights come on you better fleece like hell.  Nobody but Beyonce can dance full out for two hours and still have a beat face.  I'm sure the trade is twisted, and won't recognize that it looks like you powdered your nose with a chicken grease towel, but don't take your chances.

Awww, that was the song you guys met to, but it's not appropriate for a first dance at a wedding.  You may wanna go with "At Last".  

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Yo Son, the recession is real.  They are knocking over mother-fuckers at my job like dominos.  Some of my homies got the axe on Monday, but I couldn't see pouring out any liquor for them.  I'm still there, I'm gonna need it.  So to my number on homie, things will be alright...  Happy Hour tonight on me?

Peace Fuckers...! 

Jesus Walks..., and Baby, It Ain't That Cold Outside...

I know we are still clad in fur, but Spring is just about to peak it's head out.  Jesus had to be inspiration for a number of designers for Spring/Summer, because the sandals are giving turn water in to wine teas, and then go walk on water, and then part the water you walked on.  Thank you Jesus Lanvin!

Praise Him Ann Demeulemeester!

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So speaking of the cold weather we've been having in DC, get into this woman on the train the other day.  She couldn't see ever catching the hawk in her neck.  This bitch is wrapped tighter than a baby shower gift.  She rode the train for 20 minutes, and did not move an inch.  I live...

Now this lady I got life from yesterday.  She couldn't see not wearing her most beat fur pieces for the people to get into.  The fur collar had tails, and I could swear it was still alive.  Her Edwardian style coat was everything, and she walked with a cane.  She is my inspiration for today, I'm not kidding... 

I Have No Words...

Why Is Everybody Naked...?

Who remembers Danity Kane? I mean, there has to be somebody...no?
They had the little song that went baa daa daa daa daa da da da.
Anyways, Aubrey O'Day formerly of Danity Kane realized that she had
bills after Diddy kicked her out of the group. As any resourceful
cunt would do, her ass posed for Playboy. The pics are tasteful and
air brushed for eternities if I may add. I'm not mad girl, get that
money. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Dawn getting her life at
Magic City. A girl has to do what a girl has to do. Now that would
be a reality show. What are these cunts going to do post semi
successful talentless girl group? It should be called 'Making the
Rent'!

Did anyone see the nude pics of Ms. Raz B? She obviously was feeling really sexy this past week. This lady had the nerve to post pics on Adult Space of herself. The photos include full monty pics as well as a "money shot". Get into the pics on www.sonofbaldwin.blogspot.com. Oooohhhh, by the way if you're at work you may wanna check them when you get home.

Toodles...

Ooooh Woman Why You So Loose...?

Did the people hear about the people?  Well if you didn't, here goes.  Jermaine Jakes, son of prominent minister T.D. Jakes was arrested on indecent exposure charges last week.  The poor baby was caught by undercover police while masturbating and exposing himself.  Jakes performed the act in Keist Park, a popular cruising location in Dallas.    The affidavit says that Jakes penis was visibly erect through his pants.  He then made eye contact with the officers and started to masturbate in a public park.  Ummm umm umm, what a shame...  How ironic is life?  While his dad spends the day rallying to oppose laws to protect homosexuals, his son is trying to get a nut in a park.  

T.D. Jakes deserves all of the embarrassment coming his way.  If black families and churches would just talk about homosexuality instead of trying to sweep it under the bearskin rug, perhaps gay men and women wouldn't have to "sneak around".  The whole point of Christianity revolves around inclusivity.  My God doesn't hate or discriminate, and it's quite sad to see major heads of churches preach that.  You know what Jermaine Jakes should have done? Jermaine should have interrupted Sunday service one morning and invited dragons (drag queens), and faggies, and bears to come walk for the Lord.  I'm talking a full out Ball in the middle of service complete with runway and vogueing.  The Lord has a sense of humor, he would get life, I know I would.

Weekend Wrap-Up, He Was NEVER That Into You, and Train Trade...

Well, well, fucking well... Who do we have here?  Sorry I've been MIA, but it's been a tough week.  Round 1 of a painful chemical peel, looking for a job, and random other activities left me hardly anytime to blog.  Don't worry fuckers, I'm back.  Happy belated Valentine's Day.  On my way to the movies on Saturday I saw so many highly flammable red dresses and bad pumps parading their way to bad dinners, that it made me sick to my stomach.  Why the fuck are you dressing up to go to Ruby ass Tuesday's--in Chinatown no doubt?  

Anyways, Saturday Normie and I went to see 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'.  The fucking movies were so packed.  The line at the box office was literally out of the door.  I couldn't see waiting in line, so I went to the front and asked a group of teenage girls if I could cut.  I conned them by buying their tickets.  It worked out perfect, because their little asses needed an adult to buy their tickets for 'Friday the 13th'.  After I got my tickets, I was a little reluctant to go see 'Confessions' because it had a PG rating, and you guys know how crude I am (this is where you say "Oh, no you're not crude...").  If I pay my hard earned ten dollars I wanna at least see some areola.  Surprisingly, the movie was extremely cute.  It's a must see. 

Yesterday I picked cotton on the plantation until 6.  After work I had hopes of going out, but I ended up ordering in, watching Making the Band on DVR, and falling asleep.  Im old...

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I was on the Circulator the other day, and overheard this girl talking about a guy she liked.  It was painful to listen to.  She sounded so thirsty and pressed.  The fat one, (Sorry, I should be more specific.  The fat one next to the window...) while she was talking was shoving Georgetown Cupcakes down her throat.  She said that she met a cute guy who went to GW at a bar in Adam's Morgan.  She said they hung out a couple of times, but he is busy with work.  Her friend lied to her and said that he will "totally call".  I was 2 seconds away from blurting out, "Sweetie, he was NEVER that into you!"  I'm sure they met at the bar.  I'm sure he was wasted.  I'm sure they fucked.  I'm sure he blamed it on the alcohol, and never wanted anything to do with her.  It's o.k. girl, it's happened to the best of us.  Right after I moved back to DC from NY, I met a guy.  He was the aggressor in the pursuit.  He called me constantly, sometimes to the point of stalker (I was in my 20's and he was cute, don't judge me).  As soon,  I let on that I was interested, he couldn't see calling me back.  I was crushed like a beer can t a frat party.  What are you gonna do?  Yeah, I wanted to find him and rip his nuts off, but how unladylike is that?  You live and you learn to not trust the trade...EVER!  Lay off the cupcakes though girl, how will you ever find a man if those are your comfort.  How dreadful...

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If you followed my blog form the beginning, you remember my early postings of "Train Trade".  They are just random pics of pieces on the metro.  I forgot how fun that was, so you'll see it more often.  Enjoy...

A Birthday, A Drag Queen, and A Trade...

What's the tea..?  Hope everyone had an amazing weekend.  First, I'd like to wish my sweet sweet child a Happy Birthday.  My bestest friend Norman's birthday was yesterday.  We partied like Arabs on Saturday, and went to Art and Soul for dinner last night.  If it's good enough for Oprah, it's damn sure good enough for us.  It's now 9:15 am the next morning, and I'm still full.  It's also my sister Natalie's birthday.  I can't wait until she's back form her vacation, so we can go out and mimic 'Girl's Gone Wild' videos.   

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So the other night I was talking to Norman on the phone.  I had an epiphany that Dolly Parton was the white version of Patti Labelle.  I then started to remember how over she was, and how much life I get from her.  She is the beatest most over garish ghetto trailer park drag queen tranny ass country performer that has ever graced a stage.  This country cunt is alway in full drag, and couldn't see not ever wearing a heel.  

Dolly says,"I look just like the girls next door...If you happen to live next to an amusement park."

"I modeled my looks on the town tramp." 

"It cost a lot to look this cheap..."

"I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the fire department 4 hours to put it out."

"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen."

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes.  I know I'm not dumb, and I know for certain I'm not blond."

"If you talk bad about country music, that's like talkin' about my momma, and them's be fightin' words."

"I hated school.  Even til this day when I see the school bus go by it depresses me.  The poor little kids..."

Dolly is the ruler.  What other cunt do you know has their own amusement park.  The bitch was born in 1946, but couldn't see looking a day over 46.  She has been pulled and tucked more than a bed sheet at the Four Seasons.  I get life, and die...

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Motherfuckin' Vernon Gholston, that's all I'm saying...

Whoa...

Oooop...

I Have Many Questions That Need Answers...

Who told Katie Couric to ask Lil' Wayne about him drinking Syrup?  In addition, why was Lil' Wayne calling Katie "Miss Katie" like he was on a plantation? (Grammy Special that aired last night)

Why doesn't somebody get Whitney a stylist, or a faggy friend who will tell her not to wear those damn Tori Burch boots anymore?  I swear this is the second year I've seen her wear them.  She doesn't even discriminate against seasons either, she will pull those bitches out in the summer.  ...And when is she coming back with a cd?  All the time she spends walking around in those funky Tory boots, her ass could be in a studio recording a run.  And I...

What is Erykah Badu on, and why did she name her new baby Mars?  You know what the next reality show needs to be, Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill.  We need to get a huge house and put them and all of their kids in it, and let the good times roll.

Who told Ray J that he could have a show, and why is he sooooooo wack?  First of all, he's like 5 feet tall, and wears over-sized white mink bombers.  Yeah his penis is the fucking ruler but I'm gonna have to vote NO on this one.  YES I CAN!

Are people really mad at this photo of Miley Cyrus and her friends?  The bitch is 16 years old, that's what she's supposed to do.  I could see if there wasn't an Asian kid sitting right beside her?  I'm 3o years old, and myself and my friends of other ethnicities can poke fun at each other.  I'm just waiting for the picture of Miley and her black friend to surface.  I'm sure everyone but the black friend will be eating fried chicken and watermelon.  I'd frame it, I'm not kidding... 

Leave the boy alone, how many of you guys have a fucking Gold medal?

Why do I feel like every time Neicey Nash speaks, she sets the Black Movement back 20 years.  Her performance in 'Not Easily Broken' single-handedly cancelled out the Inauguration of our First African American President.  Oh, can somebody tell her about the flowers in her weave?

Why is my President Black and on the cover of Vanity Fair's March edition looking BEAT! 

I LIVE!

Why, Oooooh why...

"Man Down...", and My New Man

So, "Man down" aka Frankie Cole is making magazine covers now.  I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Frankie with her own show, because that bitch is funny as shit.  I take my lace front off to her for being a recovered drug and alcohol addict, and also for giving us some over tag lines.  Work Frankie!

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Ok,you can stop looking now.  That's Al Horford, my new husband.  Horford plays for the Atlanta Hawks, and can be seen in Ciara's new video "Never Ever".  His 6' 10" fine Dominican ass gives me what I need, and I would never have to blame it on the alcohol.  That's some shit you'd wanna fess up to.  Get in...

Is that how big it is?  I'm scared, yet slightly intrigued...

Don't he look just as precious, like he just got back from Easter dinner at his grannie's house?  Ok, stop looking...

Super Bowl plus Superwomen=...

So, the Steelers won!  I don't know what I would have done if my poor Troy would have lost his little Super Bowl thing.  Congrats to James Harrison for that sick 100 yard run.  He looked pretty good while doing it as well.  

This picture has nothing to do with the Super Bowl.  He is just hot and holding a football.  Leave me alone, alright?

So anyways, last night was declared "Ladies Night".  Since most of the boys were glued to their televisions, we decided to go out on the town.  We started at MUSE Lounge.  This is an amazing space.  For those of you in D.C., it was formerly R&R.  We watched the last half of the game there, and after the game realized that the crowd looked a tad young.  We had to leave before they started beating their feet and things.  

We all decided to hit it to PARK.  We went in and it was late.  There was hardly anyone in that bitch, and the people that were there were tired.  

There was only one thing left to do...party with the queens!

We arrived to a packed house at Eye Bar. The drinks were cute, and the music gave us what we needed!

 

I wish I would have gotten a picture of this queen who was shaking his ass better than any cunt I'd ever seen.  Leata and Neek were amazed, and said they were going to him for lessons.  

Leata is the problem of the group.  Why is she cupping her breast like that?  I live!

...blame it on the vodka, blame it on the henny, blame it on the blue top, that's my brother Kenny.  Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol...

Fun times!  Peace fuckers...