Off With Their Heads...

We definitely need one or two of these in every major city. If
someone is wearing ill-fitting jeans, "off with their heads"! How
about bad make-up, or even worse bad shoes, "off with their heads"!
You know how many headless horseman would be walking around....umm,
umm, umm...!

Trade Search and Train wreck...

Does anyone happen to know these trades?  They are lost and need to returned to their natural habitat..(Haaa).  They were conjuring outside of the late-night Chinese food spot the other night and were slightly "getting in".  I grabbed a cigarette from the dreaded piece's hand and told him that he shouldn't be smoking.  He asked me why, and told me that he was sure I did things that were bad for me too!  It was over.  It was also over for the restaurant to give him a to-go cup for his alcohol.  That restaurant is so over!  They also serve you your cocktails like this...

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...In big ass gravy Tupperware containers.  That is Howard by the way, and this is why he lives for that place.  Oh, they also serve alcohol until 7 a.m.  They might as well not stop, huh?  

Speaking of alcohol...

This man was so over.  He was drinking DOWN on the train, mind you it was 10 a.m. in the morning.  He couldn't see worrying about the 100 dollar fine for drinking, or the citation for having an open container of alcohol in public.  When you're drunk, most things you just don't give a fuck about!  I live!

Adopt A Stripper and Fuck I'm 30!

For mere dollars a day you too could adopt a stripper.  Strippers all across America are dancing in really bad shoes and highly flammable man-made fabrics--this must stop!  The Quincy Jones Stripper Foundation provides much needed styling assistance to strippers in need.  Better costumes mean better tips, and in turn that means a better life for these hard-working Americans trying to make a better life for themselves and their families.  In an instance right here in Washington, D.C., a stripper had acquired corns on her toes from dancing night after night in "pleather" heels.  With the help of my Foundation, her heels were replaced with a fresh pair of Christian Louboutins.  The stripper who shall remain nameless to protect her anonymity says, "These mother-fuckin' shoes is ovah bitch!  I ain't never got no tips like this before!"  

So please join me, and let's help out our fellow man.  Strippers are people too...

Back to our regularly scheduled blog...Anyways, it's officially my birthday!  There is no other way to bring in your 30th birthday other than surrounded by total strangers and strippers.  LIV on U street was the spot last night.  Hadi and I got life from watching these cunts "get it on the floor".  Pictured below is the legendary Oohzee.  You don't ever want that cunt.  I have seen her lay down a plastic runner in the middle of the club and do a make-shift slip and slide.  Who remembers Club HEAT over in S.E. on "the strip"?  Those were the days of WET and Edge.   Nowadays with all of this fucking gentrification, you try to find a seedy strip club in this city!  Prudes!

 

What in the "ill-fitting denim" is he doing?   

I don't believe her OB/GYN would approve of her humping a dirty club floor with next to nothing covering her "peach".

It's my B-Day Bitches!

You Didn't Know I Was A Fuckin' Rock Star?

Welcome to the White House the Jay-Z and Beyonce of politics! Yesterday kicked off the Democratic National Convention. Michelle Obama rocked her speech like no other. She also did it looking fab as usual. Obama was not there, he was campaigning in another state, but Michelle told him, "Not to worry". She held it down somethin' fierce. Thank God America finally sees a positive view of the Black family. Unlike the Huxtables, they are a real. I can feel their love and support for each other. While watching last night, I teared up a bit. It was so touching. Ok, I'm lying I couldn't see crying over the Obama's. Anyways, on Thursday night Barrack-star will accept the Democratic nomination and move one step closer to The White House. I can't wait for the big ass barbeque they are about to have on the White House lawn...lol

Go Shawty, It's Almost My Birthday...

So Saturday night we all headed out to The Palace of Wonders on H St. to celebrate my birthday.  My actual b-day isn't until Wednesday, so please remember to make all checks payable to Quincy J. Jones...lol.  Anyways, we had a blast!  Like I told you guys before, there was a really cool burlesque show going on at The Palace of Wonders.  The Hell Cat Girls as they were called, "turned it".  It was so over for them!  Thank you to everyone who attended, and also a special thank you for all of the lovely cards and gifts. 

Natalie and Hadi were battling for "ovah parted on the side blown straight shiny healthy hair realness..."

Look at these sweet children...

They gave me Luke Campbell dancer meets cirque de soleil meets Northeast meets J. Crew...

I said, it's my birthday!

One of the performers at Palace of Wonders...

check out more pics at my online gallery... Q's pics

Trainwreck: When Becky Met Jamaul...

This picture was taken yesterday on the orange line to Vienna. Becky
was a little apprehensive at first when she saw a big ol black man
headed her way to take the seat beside her. After he sat down she
realized that it wasn't so bad, in fact he was kinda cute. They
chatted about the olympics as he scanned the front page of the paper.
There were awkward pauses, and even more awkward stares. Finally,
Becky reached her destination. She told him to have a great day as
she tucked a stray blonde lock of hair behind her ear. Jamaul gave
her the "brother man" head nod and said, "You as well...". There was
no exchange of email or contact information, but one thing I do know
is that Becky replayed the whole "black Mandingo fantasy" over and
over in her head all day at work. Sitting beside the black man wasnt
so bad at all... Her mother would be so pissed if she married Jamaul,
she thought, but she never said anything about a good "ramming"!

Big Willie, Rope Burn, and J. Hog...

Oooh Ladies, Will Demps has nothing to do with anything today, he is just fine as hell.  I thought I'd post a pic to make your "lady lumps" jump at work...lol

...Speaking of "lady lumps", have we heard about Janet's new lingerie line?  It should be hitting stores right around the time of her World Tour.  Reps say that it's made from some of the best silks in the world.  Hell, trade don't give a fuck about the "best fabrics in the world".  All they want to do is rip those mother-fuckers off and give you the business.  If she, I mean he is worried about the silk, maybe you should reconsider your relationship and just become good good girlfriends.  Let me find out you all are in the bedroom feeling all sexy, the candles are lit, and Keith Sweat is whining on the radio and the trade looks at you and says, "Hey baby, where is that silk from?"  I would lose it!  I wouldn't want any.  It would be a "self-love" night...OKAY!

Jennifer Hudson was pictured at the 2000th episode of 106 and Park yesterday.  She performed "Spotlight", and sounded amazing.  I'm just wishing she looked as amazing as she sounded.  Her stylist should be stoned in the middle of Times Square.  This dress isn't flattering at all.  She looks 7 months preggers with that belt riding her belly.  I'm not talking about her because she is a "big girl", I'm just saying there are things you wear when you are that size--we have talked about this before.  My skinny ass can't wear certain things because it doesn't look right on me, that's all I'm getting at.  Let me stop before Monique hunts me down and eats me or something.

A Star Is Born, and Tyra, Tyra, Tyra...

So last night the girls decided to go to Lauriol Plaza for a bite to eat.  I just knew from the list of attendees that it was going to be a conjure, and it was.  That is Abena right there with the boobs, the big hair, and the off the shoulder top.  You guys can't see, but she had on cut-off jeans and a pink and black satin pump with lace and string detailing?  Abena is the ruler!  The waitress--Her name is Tylisa.  Her father's name is Tyrone, and her mother's name is Lisa.  I'm not kidding!  Every time we go to Lauriol, we always conjure Tylisa to sing--you see she's an aspiring singer/songwriter.  Last night we had the privilege of hearing her remix 50 cent's 'Many Men'.  Her version went as so, "Many girls, many, many, many, many girls be hatin' on me.  Look to the sky Lord and I can see..."  Don't ask me any questions, I didn't write it!  Tylisa is just as crazy, she forgets about her tables and the fact that she still is a waitress.  She isn't signed yet, she needs some coins to pay the bills.  I can't believe they haven't fired that sweet baby yet?  She goes from table to table, and whoever wants to hear her sing she let's them have it.  Just between ya'll and me, I don't think Tylisa can sing a lick.  She better take up a trade like carpentry or being a medical assistant or some shit, cause I couldn't see her winning a Grammy!  I guess anything is possible though--look at Ashanti!

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Tyra, Tyra, Tyra!  Girl, if I see one more lace front of yours with all of that baby hair, I'm gonna loose it.  Beyonce's lace fronts don't give all of that.  Somebody must have told Tyra that was cute?  She looks like a deranged model murderer.  I can just picture her hair stylist with a big ass jar of brown gel and a toothbrush gelling that baby hair down!  I can't take Tyra, she is too much!

Thank you Richard for the pic...

I Didn't Sign Up For That...

This is a guy at the Thai restaurant where I stopped for a cocktail
afterwork on Sunday. Right out of the gate I'll be really candid--this
mother-fucker was nasty as shit! First of all, he was eating so
violently like somebody was going to take it away from his ass.
Secondly, he was eating whilst talking to that queen beside him. More
than once many unidentifiable foreign objects and half chewed food
particles flew from his mouth. Thirdly, pretty much everytime he went
to wipe his mouth, he stuck his finger so far up his nose that he
probably touched his sinuses! We have people wondering why they are
sick, and can't get well. They probably touched a door handle or
shopping cart that this jerk did. Protect yourselves people--I have
one word, two syllables Pur-rell. Get into a hand sanitization scene
honey! Ewwwwww.....

Black Men Running in Slow Motion...

This has been pretty much the only thing I've been keeping up with on the Olympics. There is something about fine black men running in spandex that slay my heart. Also, I don't want anybody telling me that it's a coincidence that Walter DIX, and Tyson GAY are taking part in the same event (blank stare).  Congrats to all who placed, and took home medals.  Call me if you need them polished or anything...

 Holla at me Walter...

**Sidebar** You know what we need in the Olympics? We need a rough tradey ass hood mother-fucker to punish Micheal Phelps in swimming. I mean one with a ghetto ass family that would be in the stands dancing and eating barbeque. Wouldn't be over if he swam in a North Face, True Religions with 2 Sidekicks clipped to his waist, a skully, Nike boots, a "Jesus piece", a Jacob watch,  and a "No Bitchassness" T-shirt and still won? I would get so much life...Can we work on that? I can just hear it now, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Deondre Jenkins has just won the men's heat." Can't you see him "cranking that soldier boy" for the camera? I would lose it!

Tony Who...?

Right now I’m gonna change the classic beginning to many jokes from, “So three guys walk into a bar” to “So the other night I went to see Tony Terry”.  I think it’s classic, don’t you?  So the other night I really did go see Tony Terry.  He was performing at Blues Alley in Georgetown and my gay fashion mother invited Norman and I to go.  You know the girls lived for Tony Terry back in the day.  He could sing, and always punished the people with an over vest, with no shirt underneath.  How bad could it be?  Actually it was alright.  He did some of his new stuff (which I have no idea where they play that at), and of course he did ‘Everlasting Love’ and the other hit that I always forget.  Shortly after he told us that his wife was sick and that she hadn’t been giving him any, and that he was “horny”—he did a gospel set (shrugs).   The show was good, but the only thing that made me uncomfortable was that him and all of his back-up singers wore all white.  The guy on the keyboard took it even further by wrapping his head with white fabric and wore a really bad pointy boot/shoe with contrasting lace-up detailing—It mad me sad. 

My girl Monica rocking my glasses at 18th St. Lounge...

After the show we decided to go to the new club Current.  We went and it was tired.  We went to Fly and it was more tired.  Then we went to 18^th Street Lounge, it was cute.  They had live reggae bands and the bomb Patron margaritas.  Patron is the reason why I didn’t post yesterday.  I was drunk for a good 24 hours.  Patron will knock you on your ass.  You don’t notice how drunk you are until it’s 4 a.m., and you’re making yourself throw up.  Not cute I say!  Patron is evil and is made from the devil’s semen.  I’m alive and kicking now.  Have a great weekend! 

Trainwrecked: Looks Like A Pump, Feels Like A Sneaker...

I'm so tired of sensible commuter bad work pumps in this city! They
are not SUPPOSED to be comfortable. The only thing that kept me from
approaching her, was the hope that she had better shoes to change into
once at work--probably not, but let me have that at least.
You know, good on my mother for being 65 and not wearing anything less
than a 4 inch heel. That's why there is no excuse for these tired 20
and 30 somethings to complain that they hurt. I get so much life from
when my sisters tell me that when they all turned 16, my mother told
them that it was time for them to learn to walk in heels. As a child,
I didn't know why I was so excited to see Sunday come. Now I know,
every Sunday all of the Jones women served in an over pump. It was
also my mother's duty as first lady of the church to slay the
deaconess board with fashions.
So ladies, help me out here and try to do better. Im not saying you
all have to be faggies like my mother and sisters, but try to find a
middle ground. My heart just can't take another bad shoe. I swear
I'm gonna start confiscating them...

Lil' Richard vs. Lil' Kim: Two Lils Face Off...

Kimberly Denise Jones a.k.a. Lil' Kim was born on July 11, 1975.  Jones grew up in New York where she met rapper Notorious B.I.G. and the rest of her Junior Mafia crew.  They were all recognized as being extraordinary rappers and were signed to Bad Boy in the early 90's.  Lil' Kim's first studio c.d. "Hard Core" is a bona fide classic.  Kim's killer delivery and raw sexual lyrics took the rap world by storm.  In 2005, her c.d. 'The Naked Truth' was awarded 5 mics from The Source magazine.  She is the only female to have achieved that so far.  Also in 2005, Kim was found guilty of conspiracy and perjury for lying to a grand jury about a friend's involvement in a 2001 shooting.  Kim was sentenced to a year and a day, and served her time weave and make-up free in a Philadelphia detention center.  I actually think the bitch had even more plastic surgery done in jail, because her cheeks didn't give me all of that when she went in...?  What do ya'll think?

(sidebar:  I don't ever want an early shot of Lil Richard beating his face shirtless in a vintage four door Chevy while a trade watches!  I don't ever want that, this picture is everything to me!)

Rev. Richard Wayne Penniman, b.k.a. Lil' Richard was born in the dirty dirty in 1932.  At an early age Penniman attended church and was inspired by the style of dress (make-up), and vocal techniques of early gospel singers.  He began to play the piano, and was recognized early on to a great.  His style was considered to be a mix of boogie-woogie, with heavily accentuated back-beats, funky saxophone grooves, and raspy vocals.  This lady helped lay the foundation (literally...)  for rock and roll music.  Her hits "Tutti-Frutti", "Lucille", and "Long Tail Sally" have influenced generations of artists.  In 1957, she said that the Lord called her to be a minister, and attended Bible College.  Maybe that's where she took "Face Beating 101", cause her make-up is always set!  

Lil Kim and Lil Richard Face off.  Who is the most fierce Lil?  

Kim starts off strong from the gate, grabs her camel toe, and recites...

I used to be scared of the dick
Now I throw lips to the shit
Handle it like a real bitch
Heather Hunter, Janet Jack-me
Take it in the butt, yah, yazz wha
I got land in Switzerland, even got sand in the Marylands
Bahamas in the spring, baby, it's a Big Momma thing
Can't tell by the diamonds in my rings

Lil Richard shouts, "Shut Up"!  

Good golly miss Molly, sure like to ball,
Good golly miss Molly, sure like to ball,
When you're rockin' and a rollin', can't hear your mama call.

Before reciting her next lyric, Lil Kim asks Richard what shade of foundation that he is wearing.  He says, "Shut Up!", and Lil Kim proceeds...

I've been a lot of places, seen a lot of faces
Ah hell I even fuck with different races
A white dude - his name was John
He had a Queen Bee Rules tattoo on his arm, uh
He asked me if I'd be his date for the prom
and he'd buy me a horse, a Porsche and a farm
Dan my nigga from Down South
Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth
And Tony he was Italian 
And he didn't give a fuck 
That's what I liked about him
He ate my pussy from dark till the mornin
Called his girl up and told her we was bonin
Puerto Rican papi, used to be a Deacon
But now he be sucking me off on the weekend
And this black dude I called King Kong
He had a big ass dick and a hurricane tongue

Even though he is upset, Lil Richard was mouthing the lyrics to this song.  He composes himself, lets out a loud "Woooooooooooooooo", and sings....

I got a gal, named Sue, she knows just what to do,
I got a gal, named Sue, she knows just what to do,
She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West,
She is the gal that I love best,
Tutti frutti, ...

Kim is a beast man.  She recites these lyrics while getting botoxed in the face...

Does she do it like me?
Does she work that body?
Throw that ass like pu-pump-pump-pu-pump that hottie
Do she handle it like she got a deep throat?
I mean suck that cock 'til she start to choke
Does she like to have sex high off the X?
Try it with me and tell me who's the best
Does she like to wear thongs that you can eat?
Do she fuck your brains out 'til you fall asleep?

If Lil Richard were wearing pearls, he'd clutch them.  Stage hands roll out a piano, anda stylist brings a glittery outfit change before Richard shouts...

Well, long tall Sally, she's built for speed,
She's got everything that uncle John need,
Oh baby, yes baby, woo baby, havin' me some fun tonight.

Well, I saw uncle John with bald headed Sally,
He saw aunt Mary coming and he ducked back in the alley, 
Oh baby, yes baby, woo baby, havin' me some fun tonight.

Lil Kim laughs and says, "Look at this dude right here"...

You da best, Da Da
Now watch mama, go up and down dick to jaw crazy
Uhh! Say my name baby 
Before you nut, I'ma dribble down your butt cheeks
Make you wiggle, then giggle just a little
I'm drinkin babies, then I cracks for the Mercedes
Act shady, and feel my three-eighty 
or the raven, oohwee I see
Your girl ain't a "Freak Like Me", or Adina

Awww shit, Lil Richard is mad now.  I knew this was coming....

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo,
Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with
Bama lama, bama loo.

I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this,
I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this,
She said woooo-oh, yeah.

"That's it, go to your corners", says the referee.  Lil Kim rips off her shirt to reveal her breast with only quarters glued to her nipples and changes her lace front.  "What is she doing?", says the announcer.  Lil Kim grabs the mic and shouts....

Wanna bumble wit the Bee hahh?
BZZZZT, throw a hex on a whole family 
Dressed in all black like the Omen 
Have your friends singin 'This is for my homey' 
And you know me, from makin niggaz so sick
Floss in my 6 with the Lex on the wrist
If it's Murder, you know She Wrote it 
German Luger for your ass bitch, deep throated

Now you wanna feel the room cause it's platinum coated

take your pick, 

Got a firearm you shoulda toted.

Suck a dick!

Whoa, that was crazy!  The crowd is shouting for Lil Kim, and Lil Richard stands there in a pout.  The winner is....

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Lil Kim!  Lil Richard screams, "Shut Up!  They never gave me nothin'.  I invented Rock and Roll.  Nobody ever Rocked or Rolled before me!  I can't believe this, I was wearing make-up before there was ever a MAC!  Actually I invented the Big Mac.   I want a recount!  This is ridiculous, I'm a Hall of Flamer, I mean Famer!  Get off of my suit, these are rhinestones!  Ain't nobody even thought about wearing rhinestones before me, as a matter of fact, I been wearing rhinestones since the Flintstones!"  (escorted off stage by security)

Better luck next time Richard...

Hell Date, Golden Arch Takes Stamps, Track Trade, and 100...

Right...So on Thursday after the whole rat on the street incident I had to hurry home to get ready for a date.  It wasn't a date that I was excited about, or else I would have let you guys know about it, rather a date that I had been putting off for a long while.  I had met him out a long time ago, and he had been stalking me to take me for dinner and drinks.  I didn't want to go, because nothing about him besides him being a man was my type.  The only reason I gave in this week was to partake in the free meal.  Get into that!  Doug, 43, Government Worker...shows up to my mother-fucking house in denim shorts, some type of bad graphic t-shirt, even worse high tops, and his damn nervous laugh.  I swear I thought I was on Hell Date.  "Wow man", he says, "I feel under-dressed".  I wanted to say, you knew you were going to dinner, and not a fish fry, why would you wear bad jean shorts!   You guys know that I do not discriminate against a man based on his clothing, but he was just too far in.  We went to Busboys and Poets.  Immediately upon entrance I sent him to the bar for cocktail Number 1, I slurped that bitch down so quick that it was gone when he turned back around.  "Would you like another", he says.  In my head I wanna yell "Hell Yeah Mother-Fucker", but I just nod.  The waitress blares, "Jones party of two..."  Thank Goodness, can we just get this over with.  We sat at the table--dead air.  He had no conversation what so ever.  I just kept slurping down my liquid courage and things were not so bad.  If he wasn't bad enough when the bill came, he only tipped the waiter 5 bucks!  He asked if I needed a ride home, I basically told him that I couldn't see it.  

After that atrocious date, I went to The Park to party it up for my girl Veronica's birthday.  She looked beautiful, and the trade in there were over.  It was a perfect ending to a horrible night...

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Government specials?  I mean, do they take food stamps now.  What is really hood with Mickey D's.  That would be the ruler if they did.  You would see all of the hood mothers ordering DOWN, talking about... "You know McDonald's take food stamps now.  Imma bring fries and burgers to the little party on Saturday".   All of the little kids teeth would be orange from drinking that orange soda all day everyday, and they would have a permanent orange moustache on their mouths.  I get life!

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Why is this white boy giving me all of that back?  But get into his stance, it's kinda like he knows it's fat.  I can't take too much more...

...You know what I can take more of is Track and Field at this years Olympics.  On August 14th, tune into see the first round of men's 100m track.  You are gonna think its FedEx, there are gonna be so many over packages!  Get in!  

Thank you for supporting my blog.  This is my 100th post!  I would have never thought I'd have made it through 10 much less 100. Here is too 100 more.  Tomorrow is Lil' Richard vs. Lil' Kim... 

Don't Rat Me Out...!

Ok, first if all my apologies to the squemish, but I had to do it. I
was on my way home from having the perfect gay afternoon--outside
lunch and my new Baazar mag. It was all ruined when I almost stepped
on this, a dying rat. I absolutley hate rats! At times I have wicked
nightmares that I'm in one if those encased chambers filled with
vermin, you know, like on Fear Factor. Also, when I lived in New York
and I was walking home from the club, a rat the size of a squirrel
jumped from a trash can and scurried across my feet (shivers). So with
that being said, I was happy the little cock-sucker was dying. He was
trying to drag himself to Lord knows where. After I cursed that
fucker and all of his ancestors, I was on my way. I refrained from
torturing it like I wanted.
Rats are not right man, they are filthy disgusting creatures. Some
things just shouldn't be--rats and kitten-heeled mules. If the world
didn't have those two things, it would be a better place.

Fall is almost here...

Hello all, as most of you know, I absolutely hate the summer.  I love Fall/Winter!  There is nothing greater than an amazing Fall day, a nubby sweater, and a cup of hot tea.  Here are a few of my inspirations for Fall.  I charge you all to scour magazines and old clippings to find some things to inspire your next seasons look.  Get in!  

Gray, gray gray...I would love to do an all gray look--very monochrome.  For fun, I would incorporate a splash of color perhaps with a pocket square or tie...

Etro rocks my world!  Vibrant greens and berry colors are so hot for Fall.

This is the exact shade of purple that ruled the runway for Fall/Winter!

Thin belts cinching cardigans and wraps will definitely be a look I'll be rocking for Fall.

You always need a piece of fur for Fall.  Give Cruella Deville tees!

Those shoes don't mean any good!  Dolce and Gabanna should be slapped!

I live for David Bowie!  Back in the day he gave me androgyny at its best...


Casual chic...

This cunt is the ruler, and this album 'Nightclubbing' will be my soundtrack for Fall!

I love ties, whether bow or neck!  It just makes a guy look so polished.  You can be wearing sweat pants and through on a neck tie, trust me everyone will show you grace.

What a great wash of denim, so neutral and perfect for Fall.

You know the girls live for a shade.  Marc Jacobs for President!

Balenciaga...

perfection...

Mary Kate can walk.  Her and her sister always give me layers boot.  People may think I'm homeless this Fall because I'm going to layer down!  

What are you guys' most coveted pieces and inspirations for Fall?  Now everyone can leave comments, even if you don't have a blogger account...smooches!