OUT TO LUNCH...

It's the fucking Holidays alright, what do you want from me?  I'm busy...

I'll be back with lots of tea to spill...

Weekend Wrap-Up, Oooh Mama Look At Obama, and Monday Wake-Up!

I know I've been gone for a while, but this Holiday season has been a conjure.  Work, work, work...I'm so exhausted when i get home that I can barely finish my nightcap.  Friday night I worked until 10, it was dreadful.  There was no one there shopping besides me.  One of my ridiculously crazy clients drove up from Bumfuck, Va to see me.  Whenever she comes, it's always a show.  At least she bought something, so I entertained her antics.  After I sent her packing Lucy called and asked if I wanted to eat at 

The Palm, I acquiesced.  I was looking forward to a nice meal and some much needed conversation.  As we were walking into the restaurant, we see a man jump head first out of a moving SUV near the valet stand.  I of course called 911 being that there was blood gushing from the front of his head.  He appeared to be a little inebriated--Aww, fuck that, this mother fucker was wasted.  Apparently, he was arguing with his wife who was driving and felt the need to self-eject himself from the car?  Lord help me.  After those antics, we went in to a nice meal and went home.

Saturday I worked early.  We had a pot-luck Christmas party.  I bought pasta from Maggiano's, and a cake from Corner Bakery.  I couldn't see cooking for anyone at work.  Besides I wasn't going to eat that much of anyone else's cooking anyways--you know people aren't clean...  They won't have me sick in the hospital, wondering what's wrong--Oh hell naw! 

I almost forgot that my sweet child Joey, his boyfriend "String Bean", and his gay mother ca,me to visit me during my busy day.  They gave me exactly what I needed in the middle of my day!  Afterwork I went home and relaxed.  I talked to the trade on the phone until the wee hours and finally turned in at around 4 a.m.

Yesterday work was alright, I fleeced at 6.  I went home to order my favorite Thai food and relaxed.  Normie had gone to New York for the weekend, and would be returning to D.C. around 4:30 a.m.  There was no point of my sweet child going to M.D. and coming right back for work, so he stayed here.  Around 6 a.m., I heard weird noises coming from my roommates room.  I knew that he was having company, so I thought that they were having.  Upon closer observation, it appeared that he was having a diabetic/whatever the fuck attack.  I went to get him juice and his "friend" who spoke not a lick of English by the way got him to drink it.  The "friend" at one point asked my for a "tay-wuhl"?  I asked this motherfucker at least 3 times what he said before he started to do sherades with my ass.  Come to find out, he was asking for a towel.  I'm calling immigration.  

Now which brings us to the Monday before Christmas and I must do a bit of shopping.  I only need to get my niece something, and other little odds and ends.  Wish me luck!

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Did you guys get into these pictures of Obama taken by a photographer in the 70's?  Why is our president a pimp?  I live!  I'll be your Monica Barrack, just let me know.  I wouldn't even do any crazy shit like keeping a crusty dress either.  I would dry clean it immediately, I couldn't see possibly ruining any of my fashions because you "super soaked dat ho"... I know I'm crazy, sorry...

This pic explains why Mr. President's lips are that lovely shade of aubergine.  I don't condone the smoking of cigarettes, but damn can i get a drag?

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It's Monday, and I know some of you are just as tired as I am.  I'm sure you need a little Monday wake-up...

Gerald Washington is just a baby, but as Whitney said, he's all the man that I'd ever need.  Washington stands at a towering 6' 6", and is well over 260 pounds.  He plays football for USC. 

Ya'll know Vernon Davis, he's over... 

My Kind Of Weather...

Sorry guys, I know I haven't posted in a couple of days.  The weather here in D.C. has been crappy, and I love it!  You guys know that I'm slightly morbid.   I love the rain, and when the sky is grey--there is nothing better.  The only thing is that I go into hibernation mode.  I'm not motivated to do shit.  I wish I could stay in bed until I got bed sores (that would be hot).  

Fuck, today I have to go to work and deal with cranky Holiday shoppers.  Pray that I don't drop the "F" bomb on a customer and get in trouble.  "Do you want the fucking shit or not..?"  I can see it already.

Have a great weekend.  See you mofos on Monday! 

Sole Train...

On a recent visit to Iraq, President Bush got a little more than he bargained for.  During a press conference a pissed off reporter hauled off an chucked both of his shoes at President Bush's head.  G Dub was bout it son!  He has the reflexes of life.  He ducked like he was from the hood or some shit, then looked at the reporter like "What...?"  Let me find out G Dub is a real "G".  I live, but still I'm ready for him to get his ass outta dodge.  

But hold on...Wouldn't this whole shoe chucking incident have been more fun if a really gay reporter took these Louboutin heels off and threw them.  Now that's news...

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Speaking of shoes...

Hermes...

Dior...

Louis...(I didn't get life from these at first, now I do...)

Gucci...

Goodbye!

Weekend Wrap-Up, Somebody Do Something, Ooooh Visanthe, Fools in Love, and more Brandon Parker...

What up Homies, I had a slightly boring weekend.  Friday night after work I went to dinner with my brother Borzou, Nikki, Normie, and friends.  We went to this sushi spot on H St. NE called Sticky Rice.  The food was pretty good, and I kind of like where it's located.  That area is so shady that I get life.  The neighborhood consists young hipsters ,Asians with tattoos and choppy hair cuts, and nice Blacks in Nike boots with concealed weapons and things .  That's actually where I should move!  

The spot was so crowded that our party had an hour wait to be seated.  I was starving with a capital hungry, so I went next door to Popeye's and got it in.  

It was a pretty early night, I was snuggled in bed by 1:30 a.m.  I had to be up for work of course.  Saturday at work was a complete blower at work, as was yesterday.  It definitely does not fee like a "Holiday" season in upscale retail at least.  Everyone wants a fucking bargain.  How are you gonna get Louboutins for Payless money?  It just doesn't work like that.  

So, last night was Sunday-- the "big" night to go out here in D.C.  I got a couple of text messages asking me if I was gonna hang out.  I couldn't see going out after all the drama from last week.  On top of it, If I were to see those queens who tried me, I would have perhaps fucked them up with the mood I was in. 

So instead of going out, I invited "Young Veezy" over.  "Young Veezy" is my 19 year old piece.  The one that claims to be "straight with a twist"?   I've turned into a cougar in my old age--don't judge me!  They are so eager and energetic, these young ones are.  I slightly get life.  Although we have never made it  to "home base", it seems like it would be one hell of a victory party.  Again, don't judge me!

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What in the hell is wrong with this child Michael Jackson?  He has really gone nutty.  What is up with this Bollywood meets Zorro thing he has going on?  That mother-fucking commercial never lied!  When they said "A mind is a terrible thing to waste...", they weren't kidding.  Isn't it a little sad to see such an icon deflate like that.  You know what he needs?  He needs a good old fashion Joe Jackson ass whoppin'.  You know one that Joe used to give him back in the day if Michael hit the wrong note--Umm hmm, one of those.  That should snap him back. 

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I know you guys heard about Vicking player Visanthe Shiancoe exposing himself live on the air during a news broadcast.  Obviously there was an interview being conducted in the locker room and the NFLer showed us what he had.  I haven't seen the footage, but from what I hear, its very impressive.  When asked if he knew he was naked on t.v., he replied, "How did it look...?".  How can you not love a black man?

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O.K., so a friend of mine inspired this post.  You know exactly who you are...  What is the craziest thing that you've ever done for love, or someone that you liked?  

Remember that NASA chick Lisa Nowak?  Her crazy ass drove cross country with an adult diaper on to see about another bitch fucking with her man.  Her pissy ass was fucked up off some 'Love Lockdown' shit.  Wow, that must have been some good dick...lol.  

The craziest thing I've done was camping out outside one of my boyfriend's apartments to see if there was any unusual activity.  What in the stake-out?  I didn't find anything out of the ordinary.  After nearly 4 hours of me sitting outside in my car, I called him with a lie.  I told him that I had gone out with friends and had to drop one off near his house.  I never told him of course, I didn't wanna look like a crazy stalker chick--even though I was.  

Love/Like is some crazy shit man.  It will make you do some stuff that you would never imagine doing in all your days.  I still don't think I would drive cross country in a Depends for a nigga, but who knows, the day just began.

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More pics of my sweet child on www.loveismyrealname.blogspot.com

pics:  Tarrice Love

Umenyiora and Ayodele..., Blagojevich..., and Don't Shame The Fashions

29 year old Akin Ayodele is one of my husbands this week.  The 6' 2" 250 pound over piece of trade is a linebacker for the Miami Dolphins.  I love him so much that his graphic tee in the picture above doesn't even bother me.  

Don't you wish this picture was a video, and that we could play it in slow motion?  O.K., ya'll can stop looking at my man now.  Go on and scroll down...

This is my 2nd husband of the week.  What in the polygamy sect?  29 year old defensive end for the New York Giants Osi Umenyiora can defend my end any day.  At 6' 3" and over 260 pounds, he gives me what I want--he gives me what I need.  Umenyiora was born in London, and raised in Nigeria.  You'd think he would have a hint of an accent, but he sounds like a trade from around the way.  This vicious of a trade with a British accent would just not be right, it would send me over the top.  The Lord knows what he's doing...

My husband is said to be quite the ladies man.  He has even dated Victoria Secret model Selita Ebanks--well who hasn't actually.  I think I even dated that cunt at one point.  She has been passed around like a blunt.  Anyways, my husband says that he is not good with relationships.  "I have abandonment issues from when I was younger, psychological issues.  I have a tough time truly committing myself", says Umenyiora.  Well he hasn't met me yet!

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Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is the ruler!  Besides having the most over hair since Patti Labelle in the 80's, he has balls of steel.  Why did he think it was o.k. to try and sell a Senate seat like it was a sweater on Ebay, or some shit?  "We've got this thing, and it's fucking golden", he was quoted as saying.  Jill Scott?  Anyways, Why is everyone trying to make money off of my sweet Obama?  I may jump on the bandwagon during Inauguration Week myself?  Shit, the old girl needs a coin.  Come on Blagojevich, let's get this money!

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I used to be in love with these purple Dior platforms before Dawn of Danity Kane wore them SO wrong.  These purple suede cut-out pieces are (were) the ruler.  Was she kidding? Maybe it was a joke?  I'm still not laughing though...  Don't shame the fashions!

Have a great weekend, see you guys on Monday!

Get Money, Fuck Bitches...!

Baby, baby, baby..., My Baby Deangelo, and Mad Max...?

So Last night Normie and I go to the new Matchbox restaurant on Capitol Hill.  We walk in immediately I see the baddest mother-fucking satan asshole child banging a spoon against the table.  No "stop it" from it's mother or father, or even a purse to the jugular as my mother would have.  I discreetly asked not to sit near the asshole kid.  The hostess took us to an upstairs section where (don't laugh) we were the only table without children.  They were loud and unruly.  I asked to move again, this time to the bar area where there would definitely be no kids.  

Don't get my wrong, I love kids.  I just don't wanna hear them banging the shit out of the table while I'm trying to unwind and finish my glass of Reisling.  Shouldn't there be a no children section, and whatever happened to a baby sitter or Au Pair? 

 If the kids were quiet or sedated with drugs, it would be fine, but they weren't--they were amped and ready to party!  Check Please!!!!!

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O.K., so did you guys hear about my baby D'Angelo coming back?  He is indeed in the studio and recording.  There is actually a single called, "I Found My Smile Again".  It is being sold exclusively on Itunes.  I heard the track, and it's cute--vintage D'Angelo sound.  I'm just happy he is trying to get it together.  

You could have called me "wet wet" because of all the sheets I ruined while watching the "How does it feel video.  I would try to stand and peer down at the t.v. to see if I could catch a glimpse of his piece...  Talk about trade?  He is--well he WAS, the most over piece of trade EVER!  The people say that he has already lost 50 pounds and is getting that body that we all know and love back.  I need to see a 'How Does It Feel' Part 2.  It needs to stop where Part 1 finished, which was right around the top of his...

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Of course we all know that Martin Margiela slays, but do these give Mad Max teas?  I'm on the fence, and it's a wire fence by the way--and it doesn't feel so good on my ass.  What do you guys think?

Weekend Wrap-Up, I Wouldn't Even Be Mad If..., and more Brandon Parker

So, my weekend was kind of a blur.  I worked until 6 on Friday.  Jonathan came out to Tysons and picked me up.  We went to Georgetown to see these new ALIFE tennis shoes that had come out that day.  I was going to get them, but after more observation realized that they didn't give me that much life.  Later on that night, I went to the Fireplace (Uggghhhhhhh--sticking my finger in my mouth and gagging), for a quick cocktail.  It was so late in there, and so were the queens.  This trade tried to hem me up and talk to me, but I wasn't feeling him.  He gave trade all day long, but on certain words ending in a vowel I felt like he was a queen.  You can never tell these days.  Whatever happened to the days when a queen and a trade was a trade?  One week you see a particular person posted up on the wall giving masculine teas, and the next week they are popping their pussy to Beyonce 'Single Ladies'.  A mess, I say....

Anyways, I fleeced from The Fireplace and went home.  I worked early, and was glad about it, because this week started "Holiday" hours.  We are open until 9 on Saturdays.  After work I was slightly blown, and just wanted to quick bite and a cocktail.  I went to Finn and Porter inside The Embassy Suites.  As soon as I walked in I saw Omarosa standing in the lobby.  I felt like it was a conjure.  I walked into the restaurant and sat in the bar--other conjures followed.  It was too much.  I didn't ask for all of that, I just wanted a quiet dinner.

Yesterday I worked as well. My friend Lucy came through Tysons with two of her kids and wanted me to eat with them at one of my favorite Thai spots in the city.  We ate and fleeced.  I came home to start to get ready to go out.  I wanted to go to Eyebar.  I got ready and Norman came to pick me up and drop me off there--he couldn't see coming in--smart guy.  It was so tired!  The same  old queens.  Does anyone remember the last time I went there?  I said that everyone had funky breathe?  Well, last night 2 guys approached me with the stinkiest breathe ever.  Along with checking id outside, they should also check for rank breathe before letting patrons enter.  What the hell?  

I saw the usual club staples.  I showed a little grace, and got a little grace.  When I was about to leave, I saw this guy that has been persistent about "talking to me" for a while.  He asked me where I was going and asked if I would meet him at another nearby club.  I told him that I wouldn't make any promises, but would let him know. (Remember this, I'll be back to it)

So as I'm leaving I see random people outside that I know finishing up cigarettes.  I chat with them for a bit, they go back in, and i begin to fleece down the street.

As I'm walking I hear, "She had the nerve to wear a fake fur to the club..."  I stopped in my tracks and turned around slowly to see 3 of the most tired queens (with no coats on at all, mind you) I've seen in a while.  "What did you say?", I said.  "Oh, you can keep walking sweetie", says the main queen.  I pumped back up to where they were standing and politely asked who they were.  In the most monotone voice ever I told them that I have never been a member of PETA, and neither should they.  I asked them why they had to be so nasty, and said that (this was the ruler) they should try to "channel all of that hate and negative energy into something positive".  They got life and got in after realizing that my coat was not faux.  They are lucky they caught me on a subdued night, if they would have caught Quincy Fierce--Awww Lawd!  I would have pumped back into the club and retrieved the appropriate banjee house girls to slash their faces.  It doesen't even call for all of that though.  I thought "Going Green" had to do with the environment and not jealous hatin' ass bitches.

Anyways, after that I pumped down the street to meet the guy who was on my ovaries about meeting up.  I shot him a text and asked if he were still there.  He replied "Yes".  I walked into the club, and immediately saw him.  He was all up in some nasty queens face.  Dancing and grinding all up on him, and being gross.  I got a cocktail, and stood in the cut.  I sent him a text that said, " I may stop through".  I watched as he retrieved his phone and sent me a reply message.  I finished my cocktail quickly and fleeced without him ever knowing I was there.  30 minutes later this bitch ass nigga sends me a text that read: Where are you?  Can I come over?.  I picked up the phone and called him.  I told him to go to the mother-fucking queens house in the red shirt from the club.  He was stunned.  "You were there", he said.  I never answered yes or no, but gave him a play by play of what they were doing.  I simply explained to him, that if you invite me somewhere have the decency to look out for me.  It's a respect thing.  After I read him, I went to bed.  What a fucking weekend!

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I wouldn't even be mad if Castro a.k.a Supreme knocked on my door right now dress as the Comcast cable man.  And he...never mind!

I wouldn't even be mad if either one of these trades shot me.  I would get life and take the bullet out myself because they are so fine...Wouldn't that be over?  

I wouldn't even be mad if someone bought me these new LV tennis shoes.  You know I live for Stephen Sprouse!

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Remember my sweet baby child Brandon Parker?  Check him out on www.loveismyrealname.blogspot.com.  I'm so proud of him!

photos property of Tarrice Love

Fucking Gentrification!!!!!!!!

This USED to be a run down building near my house where all the nice Mexicans lived.  Now, as you can see, they are million dollar condos.  Where did my Mexicans go (Donde Estas), and who said it was alright to replace them with yuppies?  

When I first moved into my neighborhood six years ago, tranny prostitutes walked the beat freely (as they should).  I would even stop to chat with them, and at times even exchange fashion tips.  Now all I see is stroller traffic and bitches in Tory Burch flats!  Whatever happened to the good 'ol days when you could pump out of your front door and stumble upon a nice friendly drug transaction?  

I myself don't wanna hear babies playing, or the hum of a passing Prius.  If I wanted to be in the midst of such vile behavior, I would have moved to "the burbs".  Yuppies and my rent has nearly doubled?  I must move immediately if not sooner...

Hairy Pits...?, and Inauguration Countdown...

O.K., I was trying to avoid writing about this on the blog, but I'm being forced.  You guys know that I'm a Beyonce fan.  It would be go against my genetic make up if I didn't like her, as my little sister Joey said last night at dinner.  This bitch dances full out for hours at a time, in drag mind you and doesn't miss a beat.  Did anyone mention that she is one of the most beautiful women in the world?  Oh, also her ass landed the Jigga man, and got him to "Put a Ring on It".  Why are ya'll tripping over her missing a waxing.  This bitch gotta do promo for her album, perform, change hair and make-up a good 5-6 times a day, and perform her wifely duties--the bitch is probably exhausted. I would have more than a hairy pit! 

O.K. fine we can talk about it for a day, and have a ke-ke, but it seems that the media won't let it die.  Americans are so judgemental.  Add to that an American faggy, they will read you for filth.  Did anyone care to mention that her dress was amazing, or that her face was beat?  Nooooooo......This is the last I wanna hear of this foolishness.

LEAVE MY SWEET CHILD ALONE!!!!!!!!!!  

Hairy pits at the 'Cadillac Records' premiere in New York.  So what!

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So Inauguration time is quickly approaching.  Yesterday it was announced that restaurants will have the right to be open for 24 during the whole week during the Inauguration.  Clubs and bars are allowed to be open until 5 a.m.  There are going to be so many drunk asses stumbling through my neighborhood.  What do I do?  Should I stay and get life, or should I get a white Bronco and fleece like O.J.? 

 Last night at dinner, "The Fam" was discussing our plans for next months events.  My "sister" Nikki tells us that close to 6 million people are expected to come into town.  I know how claustrophobic I feel on Fourth of July when millions of people come into D.C. and crowd me out, and that's nothing in comparison to what I'm in store for.  I literally live right in the epi center of the storm, I don't know if I...(handed a piece of paper).  Excuse me guys, let me read this...  (reading aloud)Media Mogul Oprah Winfrey has just confirmed that she will be broadcasting her show live from the Kennedy Center during Inauguration Week.  It seems that Oprah told Access Hollywood that D.C. is "the place to be" in January (finishes reading, places paper down).  

Oh fuck that, I ain't going nowhere.  If mama Oprah is coming to D.C., I couldn't see leaving.  She might start feeling really fierce, and just throwing coins to the people.  I would get life and then die!

Essence Ain't Slick..., and Plaxico, Plaxico, Plaxico...

So right around the time of Inauguration, look out for dual covers from Essence.  The two covers will feature Barrack on one, and Michelle on the other.  Good thinking Essence!  Way to jump on the "How can WE make money off the Inauguration" tip.  You know that every black person on both sides of the Mississippi is gonna run out and buy them both. They are calling them "Special Collector's Editions".  Essence twirled that, I'm not even mad though. 

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31 year old New York Giant Plaxico Buress was shot in the right thigh this past Saturday night.  Oh no, no one else shot him...he shot himself.  Yeah, he was partying it up at a New York City nightclub, and a gun that he had concealed in his waistband discharged.  He is now facing criminal charges, and could face 3 1/2 years in prison.  You would think that at 6' 5" and 235, he would have at least a normal person's sized brain.  

What in the Coco Dorm?  He all chocolatey--smiling with his eyes and shit!  With those pretty eyes and cheekbones, Plaxico may not wanna go to jail.  He may end up the resident "hair-braider", if you guys know what I mean?  

In Jail...

Big Bubba:  "Aye Plax, get the fuck in here n*gg@ and braid my hair.

Plaxico:  "Man, you must got me twisted.  I ain't braiding your mutha-fuckin hair.

Big Bubba: (slowly moves closer, stares Plaxico in his eyes--licks lips) "Oh you not?"

Plaxico: (snaps and places right hand on the arch of his back)  "Boy, I was just playin'.  What you want straight back, or a swirl design?  You know I can also give you two strand twist?  It's givin' whatever you want."

Weekend Wrap-Up, What In The...?, That's Just My Baby Daddy.., and My Christmas List Part Deux

Today is World AID's Day.  Take the day to educate yourself on HIV and AIDS, also today remember those millions who have died from this horrible disease...

Hey Guys, It's been a while.  I'm hoping everyone had a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.  I spent the Holiday with the fam of course.  Wednesday after work, my brother came up to get me.  I spent the night in Stafford with my folks.  On Thanksgiving Day we traveled to my sister Cheryl's new house in Chesterfield, Virginia.  Damn it was far, or maybe I was just hungry as shit.  It took about two hours.  We arrived at around 3:30 and immediately started to unpack food so that we could get our grub on.  My sister Gwen cooked the turkeys.  We had two of course--my family is so excessive.  We also had every other damn meat that I could think of.  I thought my ass was at Fogo de Chao.  

This is my sister's entry way.  She has only been in less than a month, so much decorating is needed.  Good thing she has a queen for a brother.

After all of the festivities, I returned home on Thursday night to prepare for "Black Friday".  Of course I had to work.  It wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be, but my store isn't really known for it's deals.  Did anyone hear about that poor man that was trampled to death at Wal-Mart?  I mean...?  Was it that serious.  I hope those 200 plus people that trampled him to death enjoyed their toaster ovens on sale.  That's too much for me!

Saturday was "Black Friday" part 2, yesterday was Part 3.  I had made plans to go out last night, but I just couldn't do it.  30 feels so much different man.  It felt like I had cement legs when I woke up from my nap to contemplate going out.  I said "fuck it", and rolled over.  I woke back up at around 12:15 am.  My sister Joey called shortly after that for a conjure ke-ke before he left out for Eye Bar.  I talked to him for a while and went back to counting sheep.  Even though I feel "old" at times lately, it's so liberating to not feel like you're missing out on something if you don't go out.  Same old music plus, same old fake as trade plus, same old venues plus, same weak cocktails plus,  same old tired queens in bad graphic tees equals the perfect Sunday night at home in bed.  I live...  

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O.K., did I miss a collection from designer 6267 or something?  Are we doing children's back packs now?  Can they take us from day to night?  What in the Dora...?  Not only was this gentleman wearing a Dora the Explorer back pack, he was violently dancing to go-go on the train no doubt.  He scared all of the nice white people who were sitting near him away.  They came to sit near me, because I was a "safer" looking black.  I don't blame them.  He was acting like the epitome of the N-word.  I was so embarrassed that I had to move to another car on the train.  Was that necessary?  Awww Lawd...

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My fine Mayor of Washington, D.C. has a new addition to his family.  Him and Michelle welcome their first baby girl last week into the family.  

You would think with all of those Blackberry's going off at all times of night, he wouldn't have time to smash.  My hats off to a good-looking Mayor who takes care of the city, and can give his wifey "the business" as well.  Call me Fenty!

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Christmas List Part Deux

1.  Reggie Bush (Do whatever you have to do to get Kim Kardashian out of the picture)

2.  The Complete Season DVD of Tory Spelling's short lived show on Vh-1 'So Notorious'

3.  A bottle of Ace of Spade

4.  A tazer gun 

www.defenseproducts101.com/tasers

5.  These two runway looks from Fendi Spring/Summer 2009

6.  Love in Black by Creed ( I have it, I just need more)

7.  The new Britney Spears CD

8.  A calzone maker