Sly Like A Fox 5, I'm Startin' With The Man In The Mirror, The Hips Don't Lie, Now It's Rainin' More Than Ever...

I have to start off today’s blog post with a quick read. Here we go… How fucking dare that Fox 5 cocksucker Glenn Beck call MY President a racist. Well, first he says that Obama didn’t like white people, but isn’t racist, and then just flat out lays down the “racist” card. If you’re so damn intelligent, wouldn’t you know that if he didn’t “like” white people that he would be a racist? What a dumb fuck! I just think the whole Dr. Gates issue has gone too far. I myself am tired of hearing about it, and I’m sure Obama is sorry he ever parted those cute dark lips of his and said ANYTHING at all.

Is there some kind of reverse vittaligo that we can put Glenn Beck through? Perhaps, he can experience life as a black man, and then come back to comment on Obama’s actions. He took it a bit far, actually he tried it boot! Also, is there a way to cancel just one channel from your cable? Fuck Fox 5!

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Y’all know I don’t like to talk about people (I said that I didn’t LIKE to talk about people, I never said I didn’t), but this chick tried it on the bus this morning. Do you see her makeup? She looks like she applied her eye shadow with a paintbrush! The word blend is nowhere near her vocabulary, and she has no clue who Pat McGrath is. I thought she was doing it as a prank, but I came to realize that it was real. She really walked out of her house like that. Obviously, she has some hatin’ ass girlfriends who keep telling her that shit looks good. They are setting her up and loving it! She needs a queen in her life to tell her she looks like a ghetto ass cartoon. Maybe Stevie Wonder beat her face?

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Have you guys heard Shakira’s new single? It’s called ‘She Wolf’, and is quite cute. I’ve only seen the making of the video, and she SLAYS! The bitches body looks like a temple, and she is getting her Body Tap stripper moves on son! The video premieres tomorrow on MTV. Look out Beyonce, Shakira is back!

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Make it rain on dem hoes with these new Chanel rain boots. They're beat as shit, and they're only 350$. Get em' while they're hot!

Off With Her Head!

So, a bitch had jury duty today. Obviously, the government hates me, because I couldn't even access my blog from the courthouse. I'M BANNED! You mean to tell me that they allowed girls in with Kate Spade handbags, but I was denied access to my blog? That's some fucked up shit Son! Anyways, I arrived at 333 Constitution Ave. just a tad late. I was due at 8:45 a.m, but I didn't arrive until 9:25--I had to go back home to grab a pashmina. It was cold in the courtroom. Once I went through security (body cavity checks and all), I was directed where to go. "Sixth floor juror waiting room sir!", said a tall dark and handsome security officer. I was smiling at him with my eyes, but I had on shades. Once upstairs the lady who took my papers said that I looked like Prince, and told me to have a seat in the waiting area? After my ass sat there for a good hour, I was already feigning to go. I stuffed myself with junk from the vending machines, and even had text message sex. What to do now?

After I spritzed on some 'Love in Black', and changed my sunglasses (I brought them because they are called "EVIDENCE"), they called my number to enter the courtroom. Still in my sunglasses, I sat for what seemed like an eternity while they asked questions to select the jury. I looked as disinterested as I could. I yawned like 80 times and had more text sex. Before I knew it, they called my number to be released. IU'm not off the hook yet, I still have to call back tomorrow to see if I have to report tomorrow! Fuck D.C.! Once out of the courtroom I was starving with a big S! I had a taste for greasy wings and an even greasier margarita. While walking to Hooters, who do I see?

It's Shaq Diesel baby! This mother fucker is big as hell. He was dining at Clyde's with his family. As you can see, a reporter was trying to get an impromptu interview with him, but a D.C. "nigger" (excuse the use of the "n" word here, but it is being used appropriately) continuously yells, "Eh Shq, show DC some love!". Shaq didn't answer, because he WAS doing an interview. The nigger became outraged and began to shout "Fuck you Shaq!" (side eye). After I took my pics and painted my face white, I headed into Hooters...

I'm still here, and my stomach hurts now after eating that gross food. Margarita #3 may help soothe my achin' belly though?

Notice there's no weekend wrap-up, because it would look like this...

...just blank, cause I didn't do shit!

Happy Monday, and Fuck you Shaq to you too!

You Don't Want Any, Not Again, Hell No T.O. and Hola Senorita Cosa!

You know what? You people can't take MY president! You can't take MY president, because Obama will read a mother fucker with the quickness. When asked about Dr. Gates' arrest, he responded and said that the Cambridge police "acted stupidly". Why are the people going off saying that he doesn't know the facts. What facts are there? Dr. Gates encountered a jammed door at his own home. He used force and broke in. The police didn't arrive until after he was already in his home chillin'. You mean to tell me that Dr. Gate's couldn't have provided the proper identification/documents to prove that was his home? Chile, those police tried it, and they know it! Don't get mad because MY president read you. Get over it! Then MY President even went there and said that our country has a history or racial profiling. It's ok if you can't take it! Oh, and shut up Matt Lauer! I couldn't see ANYONE trying to come for Obama!

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Nooooooo Lawwwd! First Farah, then Michael, now... How is the god damn Taco Bell dog gonna die? What the hell? I better write out a damn will my damn self. Everybody is kicking the bucket. Maybe the dog was asking for prescription drugs too? The bitch had a stroke and died! I guess I'll make a sweet potato pie or something for the repass. Awwwwwww Laawwwwwd (holding hankerchief over my mouth, and crying DOWN)...

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It's no secret that T.O. makes me wanna J.O., but his show is quite bad. I only watched it with hopes of his towel slipping or something. If you caught it, let me know what you think?

The T.O. show which airs on Monday nights at 10 p.m. follows him around while he does nothing. His two publicist (who have EXTREME crushes on him), and his bodyguard/friend shoot shit while being taped. I'd be more entertained if someone poured honey on him while he was shirtless for the hour. Maybe next week?

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So, I made reference to this song in my last post. It was the soundtrack for my day on Sunday. Junior Vasquez made this track back in '96 after Madonna was a no show at one of his gigs at The Tunnel. It was an actual message that he twirked into a beat 90's club song. It still pumps today. You have no clue how many people I made out with while this song was playing at the old TRACKS here in DC? I was 18, don't judge me!

Weekend Wrap-Up--The Late Edition

Ok, so after an hour at the Genius Bar, I realized that my laptop doesn't hate my camera, it just hates the cord that connects the two. We are back in business people. Sorry I was away for so long, but as Lil' Kim says, "I was gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off!" And Action! So Thursday I decided to have a nice relaxing lunch at the new W Hotel here in Washington, DC in the rooftop lounge. The lounge is called POV, and that is exactly what it is. It's a point where you can see the most amazing view of the city. While I was sitting there, I saw a helicopter come pick up Obama and take off. He was being jet-setted off to New York where he addressed the NAACP. By the way, what an amazing speech, I'm inspired! I'm inspired to be better, I'm supposed to be (and will be) leap years ahead of where I am now. Did I mention I hated my job? Anyways, POV was great. Of course it was pricey, but there were pretty black girls in heels serving them, so it wasn't so bad.

Don't fuck with the mojito! You guys that know me, know that I can drink, and this shit had me buzzed. It was 3 p.m., and I was buzzed from 2 mojitos. After my $70 lunch (that is ridiculous, we are in a recession), I headed to the grocery store to do some shopping for din din. I had to cook for BF#1. It's hard being a soccer mom, without the kids, and the fake boobs, and the Excursion. Barbeque chicken and veggies for dinner it was, it was a hit! We ate and...

On Friday I worked late. I wasn't the best day at all, but I tried to get myself together for my brother Borzou's bday party at Panache. I headed into the city after having a HUUUUUGGGGE misunderstanding with someone. I wonder who that is? I got home and picked out the quickest outfit ever. I'm doing short shorts all summer--get into my legs! While getting ready, I get a text from my girl Bahareh, she was bored, and needed something to do until family came into town. Tamika and I picked her up, and off to Panache it was. It's always so nice to see family. HAPPY B DAY ZOU! We had a great time, but couldn't stay too long. We had to stop by FLY to check on friends. Big ups to DJ Dirty Hands, he killed his set on Friday. I danced like a drunk white girl in Cancun, it was great.

On Saturday I woke up put on more short shorts to meet Norman and Sydney for lunch. After lunch they dragged me to Pentagon Shitty. I hate that mall! They are always waaaay over the "gay capacity". Do you call the Fire Marshall for that? When I got home I was exhausted from the gay overload, and went straight to bed. I didn't get up until it was time to meet Dionne, Horace, and Normie for dinner. I fucked some Lauriol Plaza up, I really need that swirl margarita in my life! After dinner I went home and passed out to get ready for the Sunday pool conjure.

Brunch reservations at 12:30 for 5 turned into 1:45 for 7. The brunch was at Art and Soul, that's Oprah's old chef's spot. And I don't know if the queens over-heard us talking at Pentagon City the day before, but they followed us to brunch the next day. Alllllllll queens! I die, and live!

After brunch was Yaneek's pool party celebration at the pool upstairs in the Liason hotel dcpoolparty.com. Once we got upstairs to the pool party, it appeared to be no more tables. Once I worked my magic, one magically appeared. It was a good thing, because who get bottle service sitting by the pool with no table? Anyways, I can't even tell you how much fun we had. Just take a look...

Who remembers Junior Vasquez "If Madonna Calls, I'm Not Here"?

That song was my soundtrack for the day!

Awww...

Darleata worked it out in those shorts! Snaps to Miss Sixty!

Family Pool Day!

Girls Gone Wild!

After the pool, we went to Eighteenth Street Lounge and kept the party going. Five shots of Patron and countless cocktails later, I was just fine (you don't ever want my tolerance)! Happy Birthday Yaneek! There she is turning it in that ruffled pink number. She always gives KING magazine cunt! I live!

Check out more of the pics here. Click on the last link for Yaneek's birthday! The first one is from last year!

See you tomorrow, my ass is soooooo late for work!

Rotten Apple!

Ok, so there's something going on with my computer. It is mad at my camera, and doesn't want to recognize it today. Mac's are so tempermental, but I love them. I'm on hold with Apple Support now, hopefully we will get this little problem taken care of so we can get down to the nitty gritty. The weekend was oveeeeeerrrrr, and I have pictures to prove it (if I can get to them)!

Now I'm Mad, Real Mad Joe Jackson!, Marco Pole-Ho!, and Fall Accessories...

Those of you who saw the Joe Jackson interview last night I’m sure you’re quite disgusted this morning. Every time I see him, I feel like I need body wash and a loofah stat! He is so gross. He looks like he drinks a shake 3x a day that consist of Viagra, Cialis, E pills, wheat germ, and frog piss. I’m sure if it were not against the law, he would take Michael’s dead body on tour. He would use a glass encased “Pope-mobile” kinda deal, and stroll his ass around for a coin. Now he’s talking about getting his old dried up hands on Paris and Blanket. He says that Paris can sing, and Blanket can dance. Katherine better grab those little white kids before Joe starts to whip their asses and make them rehearse.

You know what, I’m sure HIS ass will be the last living Jackson. He’s gonna outlive them all! The Devil is always tryin’ it!

On Monday, The Wendy Williams Show aired on Fox. I guess Tyra isn’t making the numbers she used to, because they pushed her ass back. How are you gonna push one lace front wearing tranny back for another? Anyways, Wendy had more faggies in her audience than an Atlanta Pride event. It was so beat! I felt like I was watching a Ball. It was too much. Besides queens parading around, and the faggotry that is Wendy Williams, the show is kinda boring. I’ll give it a week before I give my final stamp of “Hell No”! Hmmm…

How you doin? (In drag voice)

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I’m not sure if you all know that I’m a cougar, but I do have a some what affinity for younger men. It doesn’t get any younger than Soulja Boy (It does, but that means jail). Get into a recent picture of him giving face to his MySpace fans. He could use a Burger or two, (I couldn’t ever see my trade coming for my waistline) but he will definitely do. I get life (Shut up Norman)! If I married Soulja Boy, would my last name be Boy? Quincy Boy? I kinda like it, it has a ring to it.

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I mean damn, it’s taken all this time for Frida Gianni to finally “get” what Gucci was all about? Gucci is sexy, modern, and made for a confident woman who loves body conscious clothing. She never wants a day of Tom Ford, but unf

ortunately he paid Gucci and left. No one will ever turn it like he did! What do you all think of this new bootie? I love it! I can see it now for Fall with black opaque tights, a pencil skirt, and a classic crisp white blouse or nubby sweater. The Ready to Wear doesn’t look to bad either. Keep it up Frida so you don’t get canned like Alessandra Fraccinetti!

Weekend Wrap-Up, Ed Hard-On, Sneak Peek, and Why Isn't Your Name On The List?

I'm hoping everyone had a spectacular weekend, mine was quiet for a change. I was meaning to attend some of the events for DC Hip Hop Theatre week, but I kept having sex with BF #1. I mean allllllllll week. I didn't catch one event. There's always next year. Anyways, work was dreadful as usual on Saturday. I had made plans to attend one of my co-workers art parties. I was excited to go, and had no plans (BF #1 was hanging with "the boys" for the weekend). Even though I was absolutely exhausted for some reason on Saturday night I still peeled myself out of bed and managed to piece together a sort of "gay Indian boy" (feather, not red dot) look. I even wore a Stella McCartney shrug, and ankle moccasins and things. Somehow plans went south, and so did my mojo to go out. I made it 5 blocks and turned around and went home. Oh, not before I went to 7-eleven and slayed the snack aisle.

Yesterday, work was pretty painless and went by fairly quick. Thank God my sister Yaneek was working. We kept each other company all day. Throughout my day, at least three people commented on how disturbing then new Bruno movie was. That's enough bait for me to see it! I rushed to the theatre after work in hopes of catching the 7 pm show, but the bitch was sold out. I bought my ticket for 8pm, and went to grab a drink at the bar in Clyde's. I needed a date with myself, I haven't had chance to do that lately. I headed back to the theatre to claim my seat. I ended up sitting in the handicapped seats in the middle. It was either that, or sit next to a fat sweaty man, and his wife who was wearing a Chicoesque outfit. Handicapped seats it was!

The movie had hardly starting, and I was offended! I loved every minute. It was great how he poked fun at Americans, and how ridiculous we can be at times (ok, all the time). I will definitely see it a second time. I missed a lot of the jokes due to extended laughter. Oh my God, I have a grey hair on my hand? I just saw it while I was typing. That is so gross! Hold on. Oh my God, I'm back. I had to get rid of that fucker! I don't believe in that "3 more come to it's funeral bullshit". Damn, I'm almost 40 minus 9. When did that happen?

Anyways, Bruno was funny ass hell! If you need a laugh, and are not easily grossed out or offended, go see it.

(Deep exhale)

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I was doing a bit of food shopping at Whole Foods the other day, and came across this! Ed Hardy wine? I had no clue, did you guys? If you drink it, will you instantly become really garish and tacky. Or perhaps maybe become covered in crystals? I'm sure it taste like a hairy sweaty euro trash man. We will see, because I bought a bottle. I haven't had the courage to actually open it. I feel like it's gonna be like Pandora's box. I may get more than I bargained for.

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Ok, can everyone just shut up about MY president glancing at this girl's but? He is a man, they are supposed to look at women's butts and scratch their balls and things!

God I do love him, but President Clinton got his dick sucked in the Oval Office, and Obama can't glance at a butt? May we please not forget that Obama is a black man, he don't give a FUCK! I just wanted the next frame of pictures to be Obama extending his hands out waist high to the sides, looking straight at the camera with a "what" look on his face. That should learn 'em Obama!

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I know that we are on to Cruise and Spring Summer, but let's stop and partake in all of the Fall Christian Louboutin glory. I swear this man is planning to take over the world! All of these are pre-orders, and your name should be on some type of list if you ever think about getting your size.

Who but a nasty gay faggy designs a boot like this?

...and this

...and these

How could one EVER lose wearing these? If I were the cunt, I would wear these while I urinated in public. I would burn down schools and things, and blame it on the bad ass shoes!

There's even a shoe for the dikes!

Enjoy!

Gone Too Soon, Get 'em Before They're Gone, and You Go Guuuurllll!

What an extremely emotional day Tuesday was? Millions of people watched as The King of Pop's memorial services unfolded before their eyes. In my opinion it was a true class act. I wouldn't have changed a single thing besides Al Sharpton speaking and this...

Chile, I was waiting for Michael Jackson to open that casket, get out, finish the song for her, get back into the casket, close it, and pay her! She sounded so baaaaaad, kinda like Nick Cannon strangled her and poured a tonic of bleach and ammonia down her throat before she went on. Also, can she stop it with the hands? It looks like she reading braille or something? I'm so over it. What ever happened to that girl in the denim shorts that I used to love. Can I have her back please? I said you'll always be my baby! I said, I said Vision of Love! Mariah Get it together! It seems that she made a formal apology on her Twitter page yesterday saying that she didn't have time to "pull it together". Pull it together? She recorded that song years ago? What did she have to pull together? Stevie couldn't see having to "pull together" a performance. I'm sure he didn't even go to practice. Ummm, umm, ummm...

Thank God other performers were there to save the memorial. Usher's performance of 'Gone Too Soon' had me thinking of things I shouldn't be thinking of during a memorial. I said US-HER RA-YM-OND. I said 'You Don't Have To Call'.

Did anyone get into Latoya fucking everybody up with the brim of that beat hat she had on? The girls couldn't see not wearing full Versace looks. Michael would have wanted it that way. I've already told you all that at my funeral ALL women MUST wear a Louboutin, or you're not getting in! Also, I want a full fashion show with key standout looks from each year of my life starting with '78. Fire-eaters, trapeze walkers, a petting zoo, and a bearded lady also needs to be worked into the program somehow as well. I'm not kidding! I swear if my wishes are not met, my ghost will haunt the shit out of you. If you think I'm a bitch now, get into my ghost!

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Stubbs and Wooten: I want them all...

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Well, the infamous Diane Sawyer interview with Whitney Houston took place 7 years ago. Did it seem like that long when Whitney gave us some amazing tag phrases like, "Crack is Wack", and "I'm my own devil". Thank God Whitney has been delivered from whatever she was going through (Bobby), and hopefully she's on the right path now. But before we look into the future, we must reference the past. I'm sure you have all heard this classic phone interview with Wendy Williams where Whitney reads DOWN! She is so beat! I live...

Weekend Wrap-Up--The Fourth of July Edition, You're a Pro, Don't Hurt 'Em, and Oh God!

I'm hoping that everyone had an amazing 4th of July. Mine was good. I had to work the WHOLE motherfucking weekend. I'm not mad or anything (side eye)... Anyways, on Friday I came home and crashed. I had a couple of parties to go to, but I couldn't. Boyfriend number 1 kept me up half the night playing Connect Four (that's the new name for "it"). I was a walking zombie at work, but a smiling walking zombie. On Saturday, work was a morgue. I literally saw tumbleweeds go by at one point.

After work, I had numerous invites for cookouts, but nothing was really set in stone. When my sister Nat invited me over, I knew that I had to go. I missed Mom, and couldn't resist tasting sister's take on my sangria recipe. We had a blast! Between that amazing seafood salad, the fireworks, and the amazing LV drag show that my sister put on I was full in every way! After Nat's, I went to a party that was held in an abandoned building on Wisconsin Ave in upper Georgetown. It was uber cute, and so where the boys. There was 4 levels which included a rooftop where you could see an awesome view of the monument. Did I mention there were cute boys...

I wanted to have this trade's baby. I don't care if he didn't have a job, I would collect the beatest welfare check of all! He was so fine, and I was willing to fight my sister Joey for him.

After the party we went next door to a greasy spoon and grabbed a bite to eat. Before I knew it, it was 4:30 a.m., and i had to work in just a few hours. Talk about Fuckmylife.com. Needless to say, I was late for work. I arrived looking fresh and rested, because I couldn't see breaking my sleep.

Last night I went to bed fairly early. Today it's errands, and maybe the pool (shut up Norman). Tonight it's dinner with boyfriend number 1... Get in!

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I was shopping at Georgetown Park Mall last week, and came across this? It's a Proactiv vending machine. I had to do a double take. Did they seriously put this in the middle of a mall? Who in their right mind would use this? They'd be better off getting Judith Light, Lindsay Lohan, Diddy, and Vanessa Williams themselves to stand there and distribute them. I can just see a Georgetown housewife running into the mall at opening time with big Oliver People's frames and a big 'ol hat getting a Proactiv kit from the vending machine. This is a show!

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This cunt never sleeps! She is always done, even when she's not done. This is Ri-Ri this past weekend out on the town. She has basically said without saying, "ANY cunt who wants to battle me, step forward!" I haven't seen anyone step forward yet. Rihanna sits ALL of the girls down. When another chick even thinks they're "doing it", Rihanna gives "Chile Please"!

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Ok, so it's taken me this long to address this. As you should all know by now Jimmy Choo is partnering with H&M to do a more affordable line of shoes. I couldn't talk about it before now, but I don't think it's a good idea. Clothes interpret much better into bridge that accessories. I'm thinking it's gonna come off looking like if Jimmy Choo fucked Payless. I'm scared, and I need someone to hold me. Besides, can you imagine the fucked up feet these girls are gonna have after wearing these JC cheapies? I'm talking corns and bunions for days! It's not worth it.

Happy Monday...

Uggggghhhhhh?????, What A Bad Little Girl She Is, Dikes on a Train Part Deux, and Throw On A Suit And Get It Tapered Up...

I'm not sure if anyone saw 'Tiny and Toya' last night, hopefully you didn't--but... Anyways, Tiny is T.I.'s longtime girlfriend, while Toya is Lil' Wayne's Ex wife. I honestly don't care about these tramps. Tiny looks like hers parents are cousins, and I can't (over)stand what either of them are saying. Don't get me wrong, I think a southern drawl is super sexy, but the two of them sound like runaway slaves. From the looks of BET's Fall line up, they might as well just call it quits. Why don't they give my ass a show, now that would be good TV?

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This nasty cunt hit the streets of New York the other night looking like someone dipped her in platinum. She is so icy! I'm about to go on record now and make a formal statement. (Approaching the podium, and adjusting the mic) Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, I would just like to say that there is NO ONE, I repeat NO ONE that is consistently killing the fashion game like Rihanna. I will have to say that I have NEVER seen her look bad. If I were a certain "Bad Bitch in the Game", I would be ashamed of myself. Rihanna slays and that's that (stepping down from podium, reporters asking additional questions--me ignoring them). The only cunt that even comes close is Amber Rose. I love that she takes chances, and does something different. Still Ri-Ri leave her ass in the dust. I would like to see them both have a "Drag Off", and just change outfits for hours trying to out style each other. Hello? Can we get a reality show of that?

Fucking priceless...

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The shocking sequel to Snakes On A Plane is coming to a theatre near you, 'Dykes On A Train'. I love a good dyke now, but Ed Hardy and Nike boots? I don't care if you're the trade, that just gets my blood boiling. The good thing though is that she looked like she was packing more than my man. She pimped onto the train and started to kick game to a girl who was sitting behind him (her). I was confused and scared. Ed Hardy prints always do that to me. It's kind of like going to a concert with strobe lights if you have a pacemaker--not good...

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Here are a couple of my standouts from Men's Fashion Week. Get in...

Etro What?

Fucking Ferragamo has been KILLING it. Massimiliano Giornetti (say it 3 times with a dick in your mouth) is not playing with our ass. The cuts are amazing, and check out his color palette...

Wow!

Mr. Helbers served us over at Louis Vuitton yet again....

Jigga what? Look at those pants!