Don't Get "Carried" Away...

So it's 3:00 a.m. and I'm just getting home from the midnight showing of 'Sex and the City'.  Im a true die hard fan, so I bought my tickets way in advance to ensure I'd be one of the first to see the flick.  If I were a true bitch, I would ruin it for you all right now.  Good thing I'm not that nasty.  

Hats off to Patricia Field for the costuming.  Also, best line in the movie..."I curse the day that you were born...!"  Let me know how you guys like it tomorrow...  

Carrie Bradshaw 2042...

Right...you motherfuckers could never ever see coming for this granny i saw strolling at an eatery in Tyson's Corner.  I'm saying though, she is slightly over!  Even at that age, she's giving you accessories boot (boot means a lot for some of you readers).  Bitches a third her age couldn't pull off the hat, but she's giving it to me.  Seeing this lady starting me thinking...How will my fabulousness translate 40 years from now?  I see myself wearing lots of slim fitting trousers with smoking jackets, ascots, and over pocket squares! Oh, and I couldn't ever see being anything over a 30 waist, just couldn't see it...   

Are You Kidding Me...?

Was she really serious when she went to a salon and asked for this?  Either Stevie Wonder did her hair, or her stylist played the shit out of her.  The cunt of a beautician who did this to her was laughing like shit when she walked out.  If she actually payed for this service, she needs a refund...A.S.A.P.  All traffic came to a halt at the intersection of 14th and U when this bitch stepped foot onto the street.  You all know what the funniest thing is, she actually has a 9 to 5.  With hair like that though she should be a tattoo artist, or a teenage goth rave girl.  We all know there are no raves anywhere near Benning Road!  It looks like there roaches are gonna crawl from out of there.  Im scared for her...

What The Fuck...

Sundress back fat isn't particularly what I'd like to see, when I'm tryin' to get my drink on at Lauriel Plaza.  It doesn't bother me that she's a big girl, it bothers me that she thought this was an appropriate thing to do. Does she know we can see that?  Does she have a fucking mirror in her house? Just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it.  They make DOCKERS in my size, but you sure as hell won't catch me in them.   She also had two friends with her,  I'm sure one of them had to see those two giant chicken cutlets that she calls a back billowing from her bra.  Furthermore, if you have to wear a harness-like bra, I'd probably say pass on the skimpy summer dresses. Somebody put this bitch in a big ol' trapeze dress and call it a day.  

Happy Memorial Day...

In an effort to refrain from saying anything inappropriate on this holiday...See you guys tomorrow.  

Things I hate...(today)

I hate Fantasia's new hyper-colored hair, I hate Almond Joys, I hate Plies' new song, I hate chinos and polo shirts, I hate Gail King, I hate ill-fitting denim, I hate when people fart and thinks it's funny, I hate pretentious fags who think they are 'doing the damn thing', when they're not, I hate men who can't commit, I hate liars, I hate self-check out lines, I hate women who have bad highlights, I hate traffic, I hate cheap people, I hate bad weddings, I hate smelly cab drivers, I hate people who eat sloppily, I hate nosey mother-fuckers,  I hate how adopting babies is in, I hate Beyonce because I love her, I hate potato salad, I hate carnations, I hate unkept lawns, I hate the new 5 dollar bills, I hate giving a blow-job when you don't feel like it, I hate people who try to steal parking spaces, I hate damp locker rooms, and Shannon Doherty's lazy eye...

Crush of the Week: Omar Popal

If you live in D.C. and have any clue to what the fuck is going on, you should know Omar Popal.  Restauranteur, model, actor, and "sexy bitch", are all bullets on his resume.  With being the mastermind behind Cafe Bonaparte and  Napolean, Popal still finds time to work the local party circuits.  Oh, and if you read any of the dc magazine publications and his name isn't listed, stop reading because it's not reputable. 

If Popal doesn't cure your craving, check out Napolean for some of the best desserts in the city.  My super sweet 16 birthday dinner was held there, and was simply amazing.  If you haven't been, you're missing out!  (Hey Omar, this is what you miss when you don't read my blog... )

photo credit: Omar Popal

Get 'Em Oprah...

source: TheYBF.com

So B and the Jigga man are reportedly slated to do Ms. O soon? What the fuck was the secret wedding about then? Now they're starting to piss me off. You know Oprah is about to get all up in their business. Don't catch Oprah on a day when she's feeling extra cunt (like when she has on an ova' Louboutin). She might even ask Beyonce about her lace fronts? That would be classic television. At this point, I don't care about the wedding or the rings. I just wanna see what makes Beyonce write all those powerful love songs. Blu Cantrell and Nas' baby mama Carman Bryan both says it's like that. In 'Cater to You' Beyonce crooned, "Do you wanna eat boo? Let me feed you, Let me run your bathwater. What ever you desire, I'll aspire..." If a brother ain't doin' his business, I'm not cooking him shit, and I'm damn sure not runnin' his funky ass no bathwater.

You got that Jay, that bitch ain't goin nowhere...

Awww Skeet Skeet Muthafucka...part deux

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I almost stepped on a used condom walking to work?  This time there was no sign of a condom, but this MAGNUM wrapper was there for all to see.  I'm slightly intrigued to see where these exhibitionist are "making the sex".  You know who it think it is?  It's divorced cougar mothers who cant invite their men back home because of the kids, so they just fuck in the back seat of S classes.  Oh, and to whoever this MAGNUM wrapper belongs to, call me big boy...

WTF...

So she really thought it was acceptable to leave her home like this?

WTF continued...

It also had a purse...some type of rectangular polka dotted thing?

1-800-96-JENNY...

You think that's a weight loss book she's reading,...probably not huh? Is
there any reason why mother fucking Americans are so fat? I don't
know about you all, but I'm so over it. It makes a waif like me
paranoid!

Crush of the Week: Sarah Jessica Parker

All right already, I can't even fucking wait...So now starts the countdown for ye old 'Sex And The City' movie.  2 weeks until we can see Carrie on the big screen in all of her 83 costume changes throughout the movie.  You all have to admit, she is one fierce bitch (and I don't even say fierce).  I don't mean to sound really gay right now, but didn't this show change our lives?  The fashion, the thrash talking about men, the girlfriend bonding, all added to what I will spring to say is one of the best television shows in history. See the girls together once again on the silver screen on May 30.  

The shocking sequel to 'Snakes On A Plane', 'Dikes On A Train'...?

Come on, where can you even find a 2 piece pant suit anymore? Also, why would any God-fearing woman wear a trouser sock with an elevated heel loafer? The worst thing about these women is that they're not even poorly dressed carpet munchers, they are breeders without a fucking clue. And if their clothes aren't bad enough, look at their bulky PDA's (not so clutch friendly). I just have visions of them shopping for over-sized Bluetooth devices together, and giving each other way too many thumbs up. And they wonder why they can't seem to break the glass ceiling? Put on some fucking heels, and show some breast, no man in history has ever turned a nose up to it. I'm gay, and i'll be damned if I wanna stare at an office full of Ellens...

Comb Ovah...!

I mean shit, we all know what's under there. It's just like a fat
girl wearing all black, you're not hiding anything from me. Just
because you threw on a black moo-moo, doesn't mean that instantly
makes you 120 pounds.

This nice gentleman on the train the other day, literally took what
looks like a good 15-20 minutes, to strategically place each strand of
hair that is on the left side of his head to cover his balding
middle. How much hair spray do you have to use for such a project,
and what happens if you're in the middle of tsunami season? God
forbid I be a victim of male pattern baldness. If I do, you sure as
hell won't see me combing over. Eagles are bald, and so is
Steve Harvey now. Invest in a luxury sports car, and no one will even
notice your little hair issue. Just don't get a convertible I'f
you're stuck on the toupee thing, bad things could happen.

Happy Wednesday....

Jack and Jill Went Up "The Hills"...

Last night was the season finale for MTV's reality show "The Hills".
Is anyone else tired of bad reality telivision? I don't give a good
fuck about Lauren and her damn Chanel bags. The even more fucked up
thing about it is that this so called 'reality' show is so super
staged. You really think these fun little white girls actually work
as dressers backstage during fashion week? If they honestly did, they
wouldn't be able to afford Chanel. They'd be lucky if they could rock
Baby Phat! The reality starts when the camera stops rolling and the
girls drunk call Brody Jenner for a booty call. Let me know when they
air that shit, that's what I call classic television!

Iphone message

Under My Umbrella..ella...ella...ella

Wow, if anyone knows how to build an arc, please let me know.  It's been raining now for like 3 days.  All of you who know me, know that I'm a tad morbid.  I think its the best weather we've had in a long while.  For the rest of you all, try not to drown and stay dry...

I Get It From My Momma...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers everywhere, even the ones that should have aborted...

Bitch Betta' Have My Money...

Millions of Americans are slated to receive their 2008 'economic stimulus' checks within the next coming weeks.  Please just remember to spend your money wisely.  Try to invest it if you can.  Remember, these tough economic times we're in right now and... Oh, fuck it!  Hey everyone go out out and party.  Buy crack, hookers, booze and things.  After all, Bush owes us more than that from the torture he's put us through the last near decade.  

Oh, and where are all my single mothers living in poverty?  Go buy yourself a Chanel bag with that extra 300$ per kid.  There's nothing like living in the ghetto with no power, hardly any food, and a bag worth 2G's.  Happy wad blowing!

Crush of the Week: Nick Cannon?

Lord only knows why this guy is my Crush of the Week, but I'm sure Mariah Carey has no clue why she married this guy either.  While Mimi has gone on to sell 160 million albums worldwide, Nick Cannon has starred in such (I'm about to laugh) blockbuster films as 'Drumline' and 'Love Don't Cost A Thing'. Cannon has also dated hot girls Christina Milian, and supermodel Selita Ebanks.  I guess it's something about him that we can't see, if you know what I mean.  Once Mariah wakes up from that dick coma she's in, I'm sure it's over.  It's o.k. Mimi, we've all been there.  I was in a dick coma for 3 months once, when I came to, I was cleaning his air force ones with a toothbrush.  I put him out immediately, never heard from since.  Good Luck Mariah...

photos:  nickcannon.com

Stop And Smell The Fuckin' Roses...

Who do you think the flowers are for? His online blind date from
Men 4 Now, or maybe an early Mother's Day gift? Either way, what a
nice chivalrous gesture. I mean, when did men stop doing the "flower
thing", and I'm not only talking about occassions. You mean to tell
me I pushed your big headed ass baby outta my vagina, and all you
wanna give me is tulips? Try stopping by a florist on the way home on
a random Monday. What's the worst it can do for you...get you a
congratulatory blow job?

Lacrosse My Heart, And Hope to Die...

Okay, hello... This is what I'm talking about!  All I need is a couple of firemen, 3 sailors, George Clooney, and a Chick-fil-a sandwich (shut up, its my fantasy).  I bet you anything his girlfriend has no clue about the circle jerks that go in the locker room.  Tiffany probably doesn't even care (I'm sure her name is Tiffany, or Kelly).  He promised to propose to her 6 months after graduation, and she's so ecstatic.  Eight months into their marriage Tiffany wonders why he hands her a strap-on, and tells her to "take him"?  She doesn't even think twice about doing it.  She finds it quite liberating, yet year after year, her mom nags her for grand kids.  Now years later, and on the verge of divorce, she wishes she would have payed more attention to that "chicks with dicks" dvd in his practice knapsack.   

Where the hell am I?

The metro transit system does not travel to Tawain....

To Catch A Predator?

I saw this guy the other day in the checkout line at the new Best Buy in Columbia Heights.  I just had a really strange feeling about him... I have no idea what it was?  Perhaps, it was his 10 o'clock shadow, or his piercing shady eyes (which are blurred, I didn't want to freak you all out).  You know what it was, It was the duct tape, condoms, and road maps in that dirty ass Jansport.  I just envision him dodging to Best Buy to purchase back-up memory for all of his "special pictures".  He's been using his screen name, "Iswearitwonthurt@yahoo" for years now.  He has a following from the girls at Sidwell's. When their parents are being total bitches, "Iswearitwonthurt" is always good for a ride to Rita's for a raspberry shaved ice.  Never trust a guy whose pick up line is, "This is our little secret, Right?"

For entertainment purposes only...I have a sick sense of humor...

A Fag Goes To "Town"...

Lord only knows who this ass belongs to, but if anyone knows please let me know.  This gargantuan thing was spotted out at Town on U St. friday night.  Actually, never mind because with an ass like that, he can't help but be a big ol' bottom.  

I was a little scared of Town at first, but a couple vodka tonics later I was dancing to really bad gay Cher remixes.  I will definitely go back, if not only to witness first hand the fag train wrecks all dressed up in the latest that Hollister or Abercrombie has to offer.   It reminded me of the legendary Nation that was a staple in the gay night-life scene during the post-baseball stadium era.  The only thing that was different about Town and Nation is that I didn't have to step over anyone in a "k-hole" to use the restroom, and no one was getting blow-jobs on the dance floor.  Remember when that was considered a  night of "fun", now I can hardly peel my self out of bed for early cocktails.   Again, fuck I'm almost 30!

Go Save Yourselves...

I'm in a very ugly place today.  Mama is slightly drunk... See you guys tomorrow.  

Crush of the Week: Kim K. and Reggie Bush

As much as you ladies like to hate, come on admit it, Kim Kardashian is one hot bitch.  Whether her ass is real or fake, no one wears an Herve Leger quite like she does.  Her Louboutin game is sick, and she has one of the best looking men in the NFL.  Reggie Bush's ass looks like someone dipped him in a big ol' bucket of fine.  Together they punish! Who cares if we all saw Kim taking that massive piece of thing Ray-J calls a penis.  We have all done worse, it just wasn't taped for the world to see, or maybe it was.  Get into Kim, Sunday nights on E Network at 10 p.m. on "Keeping up with the Kardashians".  Catch #25 Mr. Reggie Bush twirling as a running back for the New Orleans Saints.  I'm waiting for their sex tape, I'm buying at least 5 copies...

photos: Media Outrage

I Believe The Children Are Our Future...

 While walking through my neighborhood, I was touched to see the adorable little Latino children play.  I said to myself, "Wow, this is our future..."  I got  little choked up at the mere thought of how many future maids, busboys, janitors, and corner drunks I saw right before my eyes.  One day they too would grow up, and dress their daughters in wedding gowns and pumas for school.  Their hands dry and cracked from corrosive cleaning materials, will cradle and caress their own offspring.  Of which. were conceived in a studio apartment shared by 14.  

Hopefully their minds will coast to a nostalgic state and reminisce on this very day in the park where they ran and frolicked so carefree.  This was truly a "light bulb moment" for me.  Life is all about absorbing your environment, and not missing a moment.  Last weeks "Niggers Enjoy Nature" inspired this piece.  Hopefully. once again I have inspired you all to take in the beauty that surrounds us.  

(This is bad...Oh my God!!!  Did I just really write that?)